Here we are again, October 25th. Every year since
this date became one of the most significant turning points in my life, I’ve
found October has brought with it a different cocktail of emotions. The journey
is always different but consistently meaningful. For those of you reading this
who don’t know what I’m talking about, October 25th is the day Chris
left this world for the next. That day was a Friday and this is the first time
since the date has fallen on a Friday.

As I’ve done often in these last six years, I must confess
and share my feelings of how this October has affected me. This has been an
October with great highs and great lows and so many plot twists in my life that
it should be no surprise as to why my neck hurts. (Seriously, my neck does hurt
either from age and/or emotional whiplash.)

First off, there’s been an intense uprising of anxiety
within me. Probably the most intense I’ve had or rather remember having in the
last several years. I credit part of that to being “awake” again. I’ve been
walking through a period in my life of unhappiness, confusion, and sadness.
Truly, I’ve felt like my own version of the walking dead. I don’t know exactly
how I “lost” myself again or how I fell back into a lifeless stupor but I’m
sure the additional losses in my life have played a factor.  That coupled with an insanely busy schedule
with no writing time and almost non-existent “me” time contributed to the state
I was in.

As God always does, He found ways to speak to me again, ways
to remind me of who I am, and who I’m capable of becoming. He again provided
the grace and divine providence to wake me up. And again I’m so thankful. With
this re-awakening all the feelings have flooded back in full color and so it
makes reasonable sense that anxiety has found its way back in with the other
emotions.

This time God’s providence came in the forms of a book and a
person. I was reading the last assigned book in my first doctorate class, Who
Moved My Cheese? by Spencer Johnson. If you’ve never read it, you should.
It’s short and the story rings true. It is all about change. After reading this
book, I recognized that at some point I’d become complacent in my life and I’d
lost my focus. I’d stopped seeking my “cheese” and had allowed the waves of
life to push me out to sea not realizing that I had oars I could use to get me
back to shore.

Equally well timed, the next day my path crossed with a
significant person in my life and instead of floating out to sea I grabbed the
oars and rowed towards my goal. Anxiety and fear splashed in my face but I still
kept rowing. After spending an evening with this special person, I suddenly
remembered who I was and realized it was time to make changes in my life
because I wasn’t living MY life I was living someone else’s life. I was trying
to fit myself into a box that wasn’t right for me and then wondering why I was
so uncomfortable and unhappy.

I have this plaque thingy I bought from Hobby Lobby this
past spring. It has a quote on it that says, “If you don’t sacrifice for what
you want, what you want becomes the sacrifice.” It spoke to me at the time but
I couldn’t figure out how it truly applied to my life because I felt
complacent, scared, and frankly too busy to think about what I wanted in my
life.

I talked a lot this year about how I felt I’ve lost my hope
and I’ve had a hard time chasing it down and keeping hold of it. But after
reading a book and spending an evening with an amazing person and all the
prayer I’ve done along the way, I realized I’d stopped moving towards my
dreams. I’d stopped making plans and doing things that actually made me feel
alive. I’d given up on how to get there because I had no idea what to do next.

At my Mamall’s (my grandma’s) funeral this past summer, I
spoke about this wall hanging she had above her chair. The wall hanging carried
a simple three-part recipe for happiness. It said in order to be happy we need
someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.

I’ve had so many “somethings to do” for the last fourteen
months that it hasn’t allowed me the time to properly love the “someones in my
life” or hope for something more. Suddenly the perfect storm hit—the book, the
person, my personal limits—they all slammed into my spirit.

I pray every single day for my person and for a family of my
own. Every. Single. Day. I pray for this. I pray for him. I pray for us. I pray
that I am doing all the things to become the woman who is worthy of him and
them. Every day without fail and sometimes multiple times I pray for this. I’ve
prayed rosary after rosary, prayed novenas, lit candles, kneeled in church on
Sundays, and wrote letters to God. I continuously petition for this BUT I
haven’t been moving towards it. I’ve been letting life carry me wherever it
wishes instead of taking intentional steps to get to him, to get to them, to
prepare my home and my heart for them. Nope, instead I’ve just been working my
butt off on a relentless cycle.

That all changed this month. I’ve made choice after choice
and have been listening to the quiet voice that whispers to us all. I’m making
accommodations so that I can write again. There are other things in the works
like a podcast and a nonprofit organization—all centering on the one thing most
dear to my heart—family. 

October carries harsh memories for me but it also carries
the most important one and that is change is the only guarantee in life. The
leaves change during this month. My life dramatically changed during this month
six years ago.  Death is real and it
comes for us all. But life is just as real and it is brief. If we don’t change
and pursue those desires of our hearts, our true purposes of this life, then
we’re crawling into our coffins while there are still beats left in our hearts
and breath left in our lungs.

I distinctly remember the first time I was at the cemetery
and I had this feeling that I needed to leave because my life wasn’t in the
cemetery. I was trying to crawl into my coffin well before my time and then I
wondered why I felt so dead. I guess I didn’t learn my lesson the first go
around so I’m circling this mountain again, but that’s okay. I’ll get it down
eventually.