How to cope when you are busy spreading kindness while others are busy spreading meanness—pulling you from your good place and into a vortex of negativity.

A guide to understanding and dealing with mean people.

Ok, let’s get down and dirty.

When you are trying to stay in your lane of optimism, focused on your goals and the ways in which you can improve yourself; it feels like an insurmountable amount of pain when you get sideswiped by a Mack truck of negativity.

And even though we know (because we do!) that meanness is more about the person dishing it out than anything to do with us, it hurts.

It feels cruel.

Unnecessary.

It hurts even more when it involves someone that you trusted.

For someone that spends a lot of time nurturing relationships, people, and generating acts of kindness and generosity; it can feel even more discouraging.

The secret to spreading kindness though is the understanding that it is not spread with the social contract of reciprocity.

Don’t get me wrong, it would feel so fulfilling and wonderful if we received as much as we give, but that isn’t why we spread kindness to others.

That said, when meanness is what is returned from continued generosity and kindness, it feels like a punch in the gut and an insult to our good will.

So how can we cope? What steps can we take to combat the inevitability of someone less willing to work on themselves sucking us into their vortex of negativity?

1.      Breathe

This is hard. You’ve just had the wind knocked out of you but try to take a moment and breathe. Deeply. Fully. Embrace your positivity. Embrace your center. Breathe in the goodness and exhale the negativity.

2.      Listen

Don’t speak, listen. Listen to the meanness. Listen to the delivery. Listen to the message. Is there something we can learn? Is there truth in any of it? Listen to the hurt in the person spreading the meanness, because trust me, mean people are the ones hurting the most in life. It may be painful, it may all be wickedly untrue. It may be out of jealously. Spite. But listen.

3.      Read in between the lines.

Listen for what isn’t said. There is often more to the when, why, how of the delivery than the message itself. Are you suddenly an unwilling passenger to a greater strategy at play? Is this person on a figurative suicide mission? If necessary (and only if) is there anything that can be verified? Is there legitimacy? Is there a reason why this person wants to hurt you and fracture the relationships you may keep with those in similar circles? Is there a reason why they want you to distrust those you trust?

4.      Exhale & move on. With kindness.

The spread of meanness will perpetuate with meanness. We can only control how we react. Continue to spread kindness, even in return to mean spirited individuals. Perform acts of goodwill. Hold onto your center, your belief system, your generosity, and stay the course. Exhale and delete all of the negativity and meanness spewed to bring you down.

It hurts to care for people that do not reciprocate the kindness, loyalty, or goodwill, but I promise, it is more about them than it is about you. Insecure people cannot let people in. They are always on guard. They are always threatened. They are always willing, ready, and able to throw you into oncoming traffic. They may even gain your trust. You may even have a weak spot for them, because you care so deeply. At their core, at least for now, they are too insecure to trust and to be trusted.

So, love. Show kindness. Lift up. And let go of your own hurt. Let go of any control. Let go of what influence they may have on how others will feel about you. Trust that spreading kindness is always the right action. Trust that, in time, the right people with the best intentions will see you, for you—and that they will see others for who they are, too. Do your best. Live courageously enough to dive into your shortcomings to better shape who you are and let go of others that are not willing or able to work on themselves.

Spread kindness. Always.