NOTE: I wrote this article in 2016 for Clash Magazine, but since it’s no longer online I decided to share it with you here. Enjoy and Merry Shitmas!

Whether you think Christmas is shit or Christmas is the shit, when you are Catalan, your Christmas is going to be full of shit. And I mean literally. And no, it doesn’t get that dirty (usually).

“Hey,
hold on! What the heck is a Catalan?” I hear you saying. In case
that you don’t know Catalonia is a nation (ooops! We’re getting into
political trouble here!) within Spain, located in the North-East of
the Iberian Peninsula, just right under the Pyrenees in the South of
France. Do you know Barcelona? Well, that’s our capital city. Maybe
you’ve seen the demonstrations of hundreds of thousands of people
peacefully asking to vote for independence, too. Our political
prisoners, Spanish military police charging against innocent
people… çjust your regular consolidated democracy. (OK, enough
politics). The thing is that Catalans have their own language and
also their own traditions. And buddy, believe me when I say that we
have a couple of Christmas traditions related to turds and shit that
you are going to LOVE.

Here
comes the first one. Ready? Push!

The
Caganer. What is a Caganer? We could translate it for Pooper. Here we
usually set Nativity scenes with Mary, Joseph, Jesus, the animals and
also a lot of shepherds and Romans. We gather some moss from the
woods (or buy it at local shops or street markets) and set up a
beautiful diorama… and one of the figurines is that of a little guy
taking a dump. No kidding. You can set it behind the barn or next to
the Three Wise Men, there are no rules about it. How beautiful is
that? I rember having fun as a child and changing its location
everyday. I got creative and I tried to find a new place to set it:
on the bridge, in the river, on top of the barn… I wouldn’t even
think about setting my G.I.Joes in the Nativity because I already had
my Pooper and WHAT CAN BE FUNNIER THAN A POOPER?

This
used to be the figure of a shepherd, but popular characters are also
being turned into poopers lately: Batman, Superman, TV stars… and
(let’s get political again) also politicians. Of course, Hilary
and Trump have been among this years bestsellers.
The best part is that we don’t consider it as something nasty but
funny and anybody can be eventually turned into a Caganer.

Now
comes the second one. Ready? Push! Harder!

Do
you remember the Log Lady from Twin Peaks? I’m sure she’d be
delighted if she could hear about our next traditional item: the Tió
or Christmas Log. It consists on a piece of wood in which you paint a
face so it is more human, and you set it at home at the beginning of
the Advent. You put a blanket on it so that it’s cozy and warm, and
everyday you have to feed it by setting a plate with food in front of
it. It has to be very well fed, because on Christmas Eve it is going
to poop your gifts. And how do you do it? You make your children beat
it with a stick. So yes, Catalan Christmas gifts are pooped by a
Log-person. And we make our kids beat the shit out of him.

But
hey, it doesn’t get as crude as it sounds! The kids sing a song while
hitting, so that the bribe is cheerful and nice. There are many
different songs around Catalonia, here are some of my favourites:

“Caga
Tió / Poop, Tió

ametlles
i torró / Almonds and turron (nougat candy)

no
caguis arengades / Don’t poop herrings

que
són massa salades / They’re too salty

caga
torrons / Poop turrons

que
són més bons / They’re yummier

Caga
Tió / Poop, Tió

ametlles
i torró / Almonds and turron

si
no vols cagar / If you don’t want to poop

et
donaré un cop de bastó / I’ll hit you with a stick”

or

“Caga
Tió / Poop Tió

un
bon cagalló / a nice turd

si
no tens avellanes / if you don’t have hazelnuts

ni
tens torró / nor turron

tira’t
un pet / then fart

i
que soni ben fort / and make it sound loud”

or

“Tió,
Tió / Tió, Tió

Caga
torró / Poop turron

si
no tens més / If you have run out of it

caga
diners / Poop some money

si
no en tens prou / If you don’t have enough

caga
un ou / Then poop an egg”

These
Christmas Logs used to poop sweets and nuts (turron, a special kind
of dessert is very popular everywhere in Spain), but nowadays it can
poop any kind of gifts, so you may get your shit-iphone if you’ve
been good.

In
some homes, this tradition is carried along with Santa bringing the
gifts, but don’t worry: as I said, we’re very peaceful people and we
don’t take syncretism too far and we don’t beat the shit out of
Santa. Or do we?

I
hope, dear reader, that you found these stories as pleasant as
sitting on the throne. They’re true, you can google them. I even
linked a NY Times article above. So it’s no bullshit.

Merry
Shitmas.