In the spirit of not just a new year, but a new decade, I thought I would touch on one of my abstract resolutions that I am going to be working on from now on. Confidence and self-appreciation.

I’m talking about confidence in who I am as a creator, and being comfortable with my own work. I know if you watch interviews of actors, they almost always say they have a hard time watching themselves, because it is almost painful to do so. Well, sometimes, it can be like that for writers and illustrators too.

I personally struggle with accepting what I do as something of quality.


Stating I am an artist.
I have a bad habit of using a very naughty word in the creative world– “just.” Oh, it is just a children’s book. It is just a little painting, nothing really. These are just some illustrations I worked on. You see? The word minimizes the value in whatever you’re talking about. It is a dirty nasty word, and I would like to stop using it in vain when referring to what I do.

A couple months ago, I had a little moment of validation and personal recognition. I ran into a former painting instructor of mine at Barnes and Noble, and we were chatting a bit with him and some fellow artists he was with. One, who I was already acquainted with, was asking about my book, and I told him about it, but I kept playing it down. I was invited to join their next art meeting ,and I off-handedly said, “Oh, but I am not an artist.” The response to this was:

“Marissa, did you write and publish a book?”

“Yes.”

“Did you illustrate it?”

“Yes, but it is just–”

“YOU ARE AN ARTIST.”

Me? It couldn’t be. But then, why shouldn’t I see myself as an artist? At what point would I have the requirements all checked off to be an official artist? The honest answer is never, because it was me, and I couldn’t give myself that kind of credit. Somehow, taking pride in my work felt like I was accepting false accolades, and being pompous. If I didn’t try to explain and minimize my work, then I wasn’t being humble. But, I am learning that there is something between self-depreciating and insufferable. It’s okay to be confident and take pride in the work you’ve done.


Viewing myself as an artist.
With writing, it has been a part of my life for so long now, it is just second nature. I was thrilled to publish a book and officially call myself an author. It felt right. But, while writing as a profession had always felt like an eventuality to me– which is still an accomplishment I also shouldn’t be so quick to diminish– art felt like a hobby I was forever working on, but would ultimately never be good enough at.

Well, that is true. Sort of. Art is something to forever be working and improving on, but, that doesn’t make me inferior at it. Who is the authority on what is good art and what is bad art? No one! Art is utterly subjective, and I was simply being a horrible critic, bullying myself into being so afraid to try and show my journey– which ultimately is what art is; an individual’s personal journey scrawled in all sorts of colors and shapes.


Showing myself as an artist.
For years, I fell into one of the most surreptitious pitfalls for any creator– comparison. I’ve often heard it said that comparison is the death of art, and I can say I firmly agree with that. I have always (and honestly still do) measured my ability against someone else’s, and then told myself I was coming up short. Sure, that person might have more technical skills, or higher quality products, or a more definitive style, but are they actually better than me? No, they are different from me. My style, my colors and shapes, are entirely my own. There is not another soul out there who can look through my eyes and see the world exactly as I do, and therefore, my perspective is unique and so are my creations. And, beyond that, those creations are good enough, because I say they are, and my opinion of myself is the only one that truly matters.

So, I stand here now, bared-boned and shaky-kneed, stepping into something new. I am claiming wholeheartedly, and with confidence, that I am an author and that is something to take pride in. I am an artist, and that is something to be proud of too. I will always keep learning and improving, because I believe the day you stop learning is the day you die. I hope to go into this new year with my eyes wide open to see that, though I am always growing and will be “better” in the future, what I create now is just as worthwhile as what I will make tomorrow, next week, next year, or even ten years from now. I am me, and what I create is a part of me, and that is pretty great.