Romantic love has long been associated with Valentine’s Day for centuries, but what is it?

There are different kinds of romantic love: the fast burning comet that blazes across the night sky for only an instant; the tiny spark that ignites the kindling of a long friendship; the ice of antagonism that thaws and comes to a sustained boil; the eternal flame, sometimes flickering in the wind, but growing stronger through the years.

The oldest surviving Valentine is a love poem from twenty-one year old Charles, the Duke of Orleans to his sixteen year old wife, Bonne in 1415. He wrote it while he was being held in the Tower of London after he was captured in the Battle of Agincourt during the Hundred Years War between the French and English. It’s a little glum understandably, considering his dark circumstances, but full of longing.

I am already sick of love,
My very gentle Valentine,

Since for me you were born too soon,

And I for you was born too late.

God forgives he who has estranged

Me from you for the whole year.

I am already sick of love,.
My very gentle, Valentine,

Well might I have suspected,

Having such a destiny,

Thus would have happened this day,

How much that Love would have commanded.

I am already sick of love.

(Source: Wikipedia)

It’s interesting to note that this relationship started out as a marriage arranged for political purposes, but obviously grew into something much deeper during the years they had together before he was captured.

I’ve been in love with the same sweet man for almost thirty-five years now, married for thirty-four. In my humble opinion, this kind of love is the best kind. It’s an endangered species in our day, but like the mythical unicorn, it’s well worth chasing after. Marriage is much maligned in modern times, because lasting, romantic love is poorly understood. Self fulfillment is the name of the game—self fulfillment at all costs. It’s why traditional and non-traditional families are falling apart, I think.

You ask: how do I capture this Unicorn? There is a lot of advice out there, but one simple principle stands out; each person in the relationship must put their partner’s comfort and well being ahead of their own. It doesn’t work if only one person does it. Feelings of resentment fester as the one doing all the sacrificing burns out or starts to feel voiceless and invisible, eventually cankering the whole relationship. But if both people can put each other first, it’s synergistic fire. It becomes a cauldron of refinement, forging each participant into pure gold. Unfortunately, most can’t stand the heat of selflessness and sacrifice long enough and jump out of caldron too soon.

Relationships change and evolve with time. If you nurture your love, feeding it regularly, it will grow into something strong and beautiful. If you neglect it or step on it with your big, fat foot, it’s going to wither and die—sometimes pretty quickly.

There’s a myth out there that long, committed relationships are monotonous and dull. Another myth that sexual gratification can only be sustained by changing partners frequently. If this is what you think, then let me ask you a few questions:

Would you enjoy being with someone who knows you intimately? Who knows your deepest fears and secrets? What you like? What turns you on?

How would it be for someone to see you at your worst and love you anyway? To forgive you for being human and have your back when the vultures start circling?

Would you appreciate someone who supports you in your dreams? To be happy for your achievements? To be proud of you?

Would you like someone to care for you when you’re sick or down? To protect you when you’re vulnerable? To weather the storm with you when life gets turbulent?

Does it sound nice to be able to trust someone for a lifetime? To know they will always be faithful and loyal to you? That they aren’t perpetually looking into greener pastures (which are usually mirages anyway)?

How would you like to know you will always come first in someone’s life—before their job, their family, or their friends? To know they would follow you anywhere to help you achieve your dreams, maybe even at the expense of their own? And that they would never resent you for it?

Would you like to have someone to argue with when your perception of reality gets a little skewed? Someone to gently pull you back?

Would you want to spend your life with your biggest fan? With someone who regularly sees the best in you?

Does it sound fun to have someone to do things with? To give you space when you need it? To respect the differences between you?

If you answered yes to these questions, then you would probably enjoy a long, committed relationship very much and you wouldn’t need multiple partners to achieve gratification. Does this seem like a pipe dream, an unrealistic vision to have all this? Well, it is, at first, but this is what long lasting romantic love looks like over time.

Can you achieve it? If the above qualities are what you’re looking for in a partner, you have to possess them yourself. Lasting love isn’t like a lightning strike. It might feel that way at first, but if you don’t do the work, aren’t willing to bend and change, it’s going to go away as fast as it came. But the effort is well worth it to have something sweet and lasting…

The Secret Haven book series I wrote is not only about suspense, but it’s also a study of the evolution of a relationship which starts out almost as a lightning strike. It develops into something else during intense struggle and sacrifice while powerful, external storms threaten to beat it down. There is a tug of war going on between the main characters, Laura and Nick, as they define what their relationship will ultimately become over the course of the books.

I would love to hear your opinions on lasting romantic love. Please leave your thoughts in the comment section below.

The marriage of Charles of Orleans and Bonne of Armagnac at the Chateau de Dourdan, from The Book of Hours of the Duke of Berry . (Credit: Online Library of Liberty)