If you’re feeling afraid much of the time right now, you’re not alone. Everyone worldwide has been affected in some way by the Covid-19 pandemic. None of us can know how this will end, but we do know it’s causing a lot of fear.

How do we deal with our emotions in this time of coronavirus?

Fear robs us of balance. It hijacks our brains and makes rational thinking hard. We swing between catastrophizing and denial, we blame others, we blame ourselves. Blaming others–like governments or people not following social distancing rules–might make us temporarily feel better, but it does nothing to allay fear or bring peace of mind. Physical techniques such as deep slow breathing or yoga can help short term, but for me learning to pay attention to my mind’s inner chatter and to direct it towards self-compassion and letting go have made by far the biggest changes in my life. The suggestions in this post are all things I’ve used myself and that I find enormously helpful so I hope you will find them helpful too.

Why awareness and compassion are great tools for reducing fear

How are you feeling as you read this post? If you feel anxiety, what’s happening just now, and as importantly, what are you thinking about?

Many of us go through life with a lurking dread that something terrible is about to happen. We’re wary of, “tempting fate,” if things go well. I’ve heard leading doctors and politicians say this lately. Mostly we don’t even notice we’re doing it and don’t realise why we feel so anxious. So the first step is to notice when your mind is in armageddon even as you sit drinking coffee in the morning sunshine. The second step is to be kind to yourself when you notice.

Awareness without compassion is useless. Without compassion, we tell ourselves to stop being so stupid, get a grip. We punish ourselves for feeling scared, which only adds to our suffering. Compassion means when we notice our racing minds, we treat ourselves kindly.

Don’t compare your inside to someone else’s outside, but do share your fears with someone you trust

Fear isn’t bad, it isn’t stupid and everyone feels it sometimes; we all have our own triggers so what makes you feel afraid might not scare me and vice versa. For example, as this pandemic took hold, I was flooded with memories of my younger daughter in intensive care as a baby and my initial instinct was to want to protect her. For a friend, the advice to wash hands regularly brought reminders of her chronic illness as a teenager and how she became obsessed with washing her hands then to try to protect herself. Talking about our responses helps us understand each other.

Focus on what is here now

Recognising that we are responding to memories allows us to have self-compassion and to remind ourselves it’s not happening now. We have little control over what memories come into our minds, but we do have some choice about what we do with them.

Below is a quote from Viktor Frankl, a Jewish doctor who survived the Holocaust. Every time I read his words and think about what he went through, I feel inspired.

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

When you notice fear, in that space between stimulus and response – which might be a millisecond – you have a choice. There is no right way to respond to an emotion. You could deny the feeling, push it away or try to distract yourself. Depending on your circumstances in the moment, any of those may be valid options. However, while those responses might give momentary relief, they will not ease your fear in the long term and so it’s useful to have some strategies that give both instant and longer term relief.

Actually it is okay to love yourself

It took me a long time to realise this, but really, truly being kind to myself has been a far more effective way to change than beating myself up ever did. A lot of what makes us keep doing things we don’t want to do is because we punish ourselves so much for it that our pain feels unbearable – and the only way we can think to ease that pain is to do the same thing again.

Don’t believe me, try it out for yourself. Next time you catch yourself reaching for chocolate to block your fear, or washing your hands for the hundredth time, remind yourself you’re doing the best you can in this moment and that in the next moment you can make another choice. Then, you might still feel scared, but you’ll be on your own side. When we give ourselves a little kindness, our minds have space to come up with different options. Don’t wait till you are perfect to love yourself. Self-kindness and compassion are necessary before we can make other changes.

Self-compassion is not the same as self-pity.

Sometimes we put off having self-compassion because we think it means we’ll indulge ourselves or wallow in self-pity. It’s really important to recognise that self-compassion and self-pity are not remotely the same.
With self-pity, we think: “Poor me, I’m suffering so much and nobody understands.”

With self-compassion we think: “This is hard right now, I’m suffering in this moment. Everyone has moments like this so people do understand how hard it feels. I can be kind to myself, talk to myself with love and reach out for help if I need it.”

Self-pity makes us feel isolated and misunderstood; self-compassion keeps us much more connected not just with other people, but also with this moment rather than letting the mind go running off into scare stories.

What would a kind person say to you now?

If you find it hard to imagine having compassion for yourself, here’s a very simple way to start that I often use. Just ask yourself, “What would a kind person say to me now?”

Obviously, a kind person wouldn’t tell you to wash your hands till they bleed or to eat all the chocolate in house or drink all the beer. But they might tell you that it’s okay to feel like you want to do those things, and that it’s possible to feel safe without doing them, even when this pandemic is still going on.

And they would definitely tell you that it’s okay to feel fear and that it’s possible to let it go.

How to let go of fear

Once you’ve found some compassion for yourself, the most effective way to let go of fear is to stop fighting it, and instead allow it. Fighting it any emotion only adds to your suffering. This doesn’t mean holding onto the feeling, either, you’re not inviting it in forever. Think about it like a cloud passing through the sky. The sky doesn’t try to get rid of the clouds and nor try to make them stay. Our emotions can be like that too, once we stop trying to push them away.

Allowing emotions is the basis of many mindfulness practice and particularly of the Sedona Method, which is an effective way to release painful feelings.

These are four basic Sedona Method questions to ask yourself:

“Could I allow myself to feel this feeling?” (Even more powerful is to ask: “Could I welcome it?’)
Whether you answer yes or no doesn’t matter. Next just ask yourself:“Could I let it go?”
This just means would it be possible for you to let it go in this moment? You aren’t trying to let go forever – but to release its hold on you. If this feels complicated (as it did to me at first) then try this:
i. Notice the sensations in your body that come with the emotion, the sense of contraction.
ii. Is it possible for that contraction to ease? Don’t worry even if your answer is, “No.” Many people get a release even when they answer no.“Would I let it go?”
In other words, are you willing to let it go? Or you can ask, “Would I rather hang onto this feeling, or would I rather be free of it?” If you’d rather hang on, then that’s fine. Ironically, sometimes choosing to hold on is all we need to actually let go.
Finally, if you have answered yes, or even if you’ve answered no, you can ask yourself:“When?”
When would you be wiling to let go? If the answer is”Now,” you’re likely to feel quite a bit of relief just from that. If your mind says, “When this is all over,” then don’t try to force change. The kinder we are to ourselves, the easier it is to let go.
Sometimes, even after asking yourself these questions you might feel stuck. Generally if that happens, it’s because we identify with a feeling, it feels as if it is “me.”
If this happens, you can ask, “Am I these emotions and thoughts, or am I aware of them?” There’s a pretty good chance that as you realise you are not the emotions and thoughts, you will feel calmer. I usually do.
I also notice that even when I feel fear, a part of me is calm. If you can notice that, and allow your answers to come from that part of you, it’s easier to let go.



Ways to help you feel calm(er) during the time of coronavirus: the short version



There is no right or wrong way to feel. We are all triggered by different things, so what you feel anxious about might be different to your partner or friends. That’s okay.Your thoughts and beliefs drive your emotions, not what’s actually happening. Think about a time you went to see a movie and felt really scared. You were safe, but your mind was so involved in what was happening on screen that your body reacted to that. So pay attention to what’s here now, not what your thoughts say is happening.Self-compassion strengthens us and makes it easier to cope with fear or other strong emotions.Don’t compare your inside to other people’s outside. You know what’s going on inside your own mind, but you don’t know what’s going on inside someone else’s. That cheery neighbour who waves to you might get back inside their house and cry.You aren’t your emotions. That might seem a weird thing to say, but so often we talk about our emotions as we are them. “I’m sad,” we say. Or,“I’m scared.” I’m so angry.” We feel sad. We feel scared. We feel angry. But they aren’t who we are, and so we can let them go. Even emotions that we often have and that feel intense eventually pass. When we allow our emotions, they go.