[Working Hiatus: May – June 2020]
Only time will tell, with enough practice and feedback, of course!

I stumbled acorss this question on twitter in the wee hours of the morning. I’d just woken up from another of those weird creative dreams where you’re not fully asleep and still have a little control over when you wake up, but your head is swimming with random scenes about whatever you’re writing that’s driving you insane. You know, those dreams that always happen when you go to bed knowing a scene or sequence is annoying the ever living Zeus out of you, so you give up and let anxiety mildly take over as you roll around freezing (it’s been snowing here, in May!) but thirsty. Yes, those ones.

That question didn’t throw me off guard. I’d seen variations of it in the last 7 or so years. I honestly do not remember a time before I went back to college, I’m getting older now, where that question didn’t elicit some fearful response, but it took me back to the comments I received from my dissertation results way back in 2016. They were great comments on my need for finding my own writing voice and style, and allowing my confidence to grow enough to push me into writing properly. I still keep those comments to hand as they were written from the hearts of two of the most highly respected lecturers I ever had - to be fair, all of my lectures (bar three) were absolutely amazing in my eyes and I wanted to be as great as them some day. Back then I had dreams of being a writer, but I didn’t know how I could be or where to start, but I knew I had to try, I just didn’t push myself. When you think about how every Tom, Dick and Harry wakes up to realise that he is meant to be a writer, just like you, coupled with a lack of confidence, it’s insurmountable to think I’d be considered a good writer. Even after giving scenes or chapters to friends to read, which I still fear to do these days, I still don’t see myself as a good writer. I have no idea what it’ll take, but all I can do is keep reading other writers experiences, and continue writing with the aim of publishing, and waiting for feedback before I truly listen and understand.

I won’t bore you with embellishments on my lack of confidence and esteem, or mental health stuff. But I will say this: my answer is no, I’m not a good writer. Or at least I don’t think I am, but I aim to do better as time goes on. (See, a perfect example of why my writing is bad, I’ve just said this twice in different ways).

I think this is why I struggle to sit and give full details on any of my WIPs. For those who haven’t yet watched my two latest writing vlogs, I mention how I’ve been working on a number of stories for some time, all coming along quite nicely, might I add! But there is one story which has pushed me and challenged me in ways I didn’t think I could be. I’d like it to be classed under literary fiction, immigration fiction too, perhaps. It’s the “work of my life” or at least the first practice toward actually working on a WomL WIP - I can’t tell the future in that way, sorry! It’s been worked on and rewritten many times over the last 7+ years. The characters stay the same, the locations too, but their stories and how they interact with other characters has developed in a few ways since I started writing. The last I checked, I had almost 40,000 words written for what I call the “third draft”. I’ve refined the writing style, settings and plot ideas so much in the past, it doesn’t annoy me at all that I’ve somehow misplaced or deleted it. I’m worried, that’s a lot of words, but I’m no longer concerned - it’s most likely on an old laptop back in England so I’m hoping I can just boot it up in future and save it to the cloud. I love that story and I love the characters so damn much I’m willing to let them take me wherever they want me to go as their writer, as I begin working on the story again. I’m no longer concerned with what I consider to be good writing for myself, I just focus on making sure the story I hope to eventually tell will make sense and elicit various emotions from readers all over the world - “world” if you will it, it will be.

There is something so small, sweet and profound about such a question. Such a simple question requiring deep introspection on some level, and I didn’t hesitate to respond. I mean, I’ve just written this, which is possibly pretentious and unnecessarily long, but it did evoke other questions for myself, in reference to what I was advised on in my comments:

What is my writing style?

What is my writing voice? What inspired it?

Will my stories touch readers the way I hope they they will?

How much pressure will I now be under after acknowledging the previous questions?

Will I judge my ability and skill based on the fear of uncertainty?

Is this both educational and a vicious cycle of introspective questioning?

However I answer, maybe in a scripted vlog, I’d like to keep it as a reminder that I need to keep writing and reading in order to continue my self-study. I have learned an awful lot about writing and the very basics about publishing - see my latest poetry post up there! But, I’m still learning and biding my time with my works.

One day, I’d like to tell myself that I am a good writer and readers love & hate my works for legitimate reasons. I’d like to bask in the glory of something I’ve created tenderly, something created from sleepless nights and tears, something bigger that I can be proud of.

My answer is still no. I don’t see myself as a good writer. At least not yet.