The Query from Hell
In which all the rules are broken. At the end I have appended a select list of the major rules broken
While I wrote this for fun, agents unfortunately continue to receive queries like this all too often. Do NOT use this as your query model.
THE QUERY FROM HELL
Maximus Bonum
Top o' the Line Literary Agency
Avenue of the Universes
New York
Hi there Maxi,
How would you like to represent a future Noble prize winner in literature? I am sure you would! Actually, I can't promise I would win that prize because of all the politicing involved, but I can promise you that anyone who represents my novels will make a bundle of money and become quite famous in his own write (get the pun?). And that could be you!!!!!!!!
In all seriousness, I have just completed a novelistic work of fiction that not only is going to shatter all box office records, but is going to be a major semenal work in literature. The title is THE GODS OF THE BRIDGES AND THE WOMEN WHO CROSS THEM I am sorry that I am not able to provide a synopsis, because it is too risky. There are idea thieves out there, maybe even in your office. You see, I have surmounted all the genres and created one of my own that I call "fusion fiction". I am in the process of copyrighting this new genre. However, one hint (are you ready for this?): the novel is written entirely in the future indicative tense!
Now, Max, I know your are chomping at the bit, and would like to read the novel right away, but first, please send me a pre-paid DHL postal packet for delivery of about 5 pounds of manuscript. To help you save on your freight expense, I have printed the manuscript singlespace, and on both sides.
Hey Max, here's to mutual fame and fortune!
(signed)
P.S. I'd save this letter for the history files.
P.P.S. Don't worry about that blood splotch smear on the other side of this letter, that's just a squashed mosquitoe
"Hi there, Maxi": Funny how agents like to be addressed respectfully and how fussy they can get about having their names spelled write
"a future Noble prize winner": Spelling counts! For every single word (and part of spelling right is getting the write spelling for the word you want, as in Nobel Prize). Aslo, don't count your prizes before they awarded. Your one and only focus at this point is getting representation, and bragging ain't the way to do it.
a novelistic work of fiction: For some obscure reason, having to do with logic and the common definition of words, agents get really really turned off when you describe your work as "a fiction novel" .
"There are idea thieves out there": Not for novels. Nothing new has been written under the sun for, oh, about 4000 years. Agents aren't going to steal your idea, they want you to execute your idea to perfection. That's an awful lot of hard work. Nobody is interested in stealing hard work, are they? The deal about theft isn't just greed, it's laziness.
"five pounds..singlespaced" I am continually amazed to read on writers' sites so many writers saying, "Yes, I know it should be under 100,000 words and double spaced in 12 point type but my story is just too big and grand and I really can't afford all that paper." Of course, with the Internet and emailing, paper is becoming less of an issue now, but even for an attached manuscript it's still doublespacing and 12 point Courier or TNR all the way, baby.
"blood splotch smear": No no no. Also no coffee mug stains. And no envelope full of little heart cutouts or anything cute that gets all over the carpet or smells.
Get more on Richard Lewis at SimonandSchuster.com
While I wrote this for fun, agents unfortunately continue to receive queries like this all too often. Do NOT use this as your query model.
THE QUERY FROM HELL
Maximus Bonum
Top o' the Line Literary Agency
Avenue of the Universes
New York
Hi there Maxi,
How would you like to represent a future Noble prize winner in literature? I am sure you would! Actually, I can't promise I would win that prize because of all the politicing involved, but I can promise you that anyone who represents my novels will make a bundle of money and become quite famous in his own write (get the pun?). And that could be you!!!!!!!!
In all seriousness, I have just completed a novelistic work of fiction that not only is going to shatter all box office records, but is going to be a major semenal work in literature. The title is THE GODS OF THE BRIDGES AND THE WOMEN WHO CROSS THEM I am sorry that I am not able to provide a synopsis, because it is too risky. There are idea thieves out there, maybe even in your office. You see, I have surmounted all the genres and created one of my own that I call "fusion fiction". I am in the process of copyrighting this new genre. However, one hint (are you ready for this?): the novel is written entirely in the future indicative tense!
Now, Max, I know your are chomping at the bit, and would like to read the novel right away, but first, please send me a pre-paid DHL postal packet for delivery of about 5 pounds of manuscript. To help you save on your freight expense, I have printed the manuscript singlespace, and on both sides.
Hey Max, here's to mutual fame and fortune!
(signed)
P.S. I'd save this letter for the history files.
P.P.S. Don't worry about that blood splotch smear on the other side of this letter, that's just a squashed mosquitoe
"Hi there, Maxi": Funny how agents like to be addressed respectfully and how fussy they can get about having their names spelled write
"a future Noble prize winner": Spelling counts! For every single word (and part of spelling right is getting the write spelling for the word you want, as in Nobel Prize). Aslo, don't count your prizes before they awarded. Your one and only focus at this point is getting representation, and bragging ain't the way to do it.
a novelistic work of fiction: For some obscure reason, having to do with logic and the common definition of words, agents get really really turned off when you describe your work as "a fiction novel" .
"There are idea thieves out there": Not for novels. Nothing new has been written under the sun for, oh, about 4000 years. Agents aren't going to steal your idea, they want you to execute your idea to perfection. That's an awful lot of hard work. Nobody is interested in stealing hard work, are they? The deal about theft isn't just greed, it's laziness.
"five pounds..singlespaced" I am continually amazed to read on writers' sites so many writers saying, "Yes, I know it should be under 100,000 words and double spaced in 12 point type but my story is just too big and grand and I really can't afford all that paper." Of course, with the Internet and emailing, paper is becoming less of an issue now, but even for an attached manuscript it's still doublespacing and 12 point Courier or TNR all the way, baby.
"blood splotch smear": No no no. Also no coffee mug stains. And no envelope full of little heart cutouts or anything cute that gets all over the carpet or smells.
Get more on Richard Lewis at SimonandSchuster.com
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