today I sat at my table willing myself to do something productive. I sat by myself in my room with a cup of coffee my mom had made, handing me the cup with a swift kiss on my head.

I thought of the night before when I sat in my living room, watching the news as this 21 day lockdown was announced. I had felt so claustrophobic! So suffocated – and I was one of the lucky ones who got to be at home.

Today I smile to myself and reflect. I think of if they told us this was a mistake, that the virus wasn’t so bad, that our lives could go back to normal from tomorrow onwards.

What would that mean for me?

A quick ticket booked, a bus back to the place I had chosen to derive an education from.

As this thought crosses my head, a sense of panic and claustrophobia a hundred times worse grips me in iron claws. I struggle against it, but it does not yield.

I laugh mirthlessly to myself – freedom has now taken on a different meaning altogether.

Freedom isn’t just being able to walk out your front door and socialise. It isn’t just being able to order pizza and not having to go all the way to the main gate to collect it.

Freedom is bigger than that. It is being able to walk through a crowd without feeling eyes on you. It is being able to return a smile without questioning the intention behind it. It is the feeling of safety, safety from being called names you couldn’t even imagine being called. Freedom is having your kindness reciprocated. It is the ability to walk alone, head held high, meeting the eyes of the people you pass.

This lockdown: staying indoors with the people you’re so comfortable with – is a luxury.

What is a cage is the place I return to eventually – a place with venom in every person I cross.