Matthew Fraser – Author
Blurb
5500 years old. Forged in fire. He’s a god you’ve forgotten, fighting the monsters who haven’t forgotten you. The Adventures of Edward Brett: Volume One tells the thrilling tales of bad-joke loving god, Edward Brett, and his human best friend, Wanda Smith as they travel Great Britain in a campervan, fighting monsters and solving supernatural mysteries. From defeating a sentient forest to doing battle with the devil, and from going on a road trip with the ghost of Anne Boleyn to being hunted by demons in a shopping centre, Edward and Wanda have never a dull moment in the first volume of this new series. They’ll laugh, they’ll cry, they’ll have frights and see wonders … and occasionally eat a pork scratching. Are you coming along for the ride?
Contains all ten exciting chapters in Volume One:
Grin and Bear itMurky WaterRootsThe Devil in the SnowSeventy FiveJudge it KindlyDealHunt of the SkreeThe Nightmare RealmThe Vengeful God
Excerpt
Edward opened the lychgate, which creaked with age. “Well,” he began excitedly, “I didn’t want you to be going around with me thinking that I don’t actually make good on my outlandish boasts and extraordinary claims. So I thought I’d bring you here.” He rubbed his hands together gleefully, a big silly grin on his face. “You’re going to lose it when I tell you why we’re here, just like you lost your shopping list.”
Wanda shook her head, smiling along with him. “Oh but I haven’t lost my shopping list, Mr Brett.”
“You have now. I threw it out.”
Her jaw dropped. Then she burst out laughing, trying to feign outrage. “You what?”
“Shh!”
“You threw out my shopping list?”
“It was broken anyway. Lists are meant to get shorter after you’ve finished making them, not longer.” He motioned for them to head up the path to the church with a swift cock of his head. “Anyway, you’re missing the bigger picture here. What have I boasted about that you thought ‘no way, no way he’s telling the truth’ about that?”
“That you were once trapped in a public toilet with Margaret Thatcher?”
“No, not that one.”
“Oh! That you saved Princess Anne from a phantom horse in Windsor Park?”
He sighed. “No! I’ll give you a clue. It was the night we met.”
She thought hard for a moment. Now he’s asking, that was getting on for four months ago! But he did make some crazy claims…ah! Yes, that must be it. “Werebears,” she announced triumphantly. “You said werebears, the night we met. You’ve never mentioned them since.”
The main door was suitably wooden and suitably heavy for a church door, complete with all the wrought-iron bolts, knockers and hinges you could wish for. Edward placed a hand on it. “That’s because they’re made up. Probably. But I did say one more thing that night.”
Wanda thought for a moment, thought long and hard. Then she remembered, the ghost of a long-dead queen. Surely not! Not her! “No!” she cried excitedly, suppressing the urge to burst out laughing at the craziness of it. “You’re pulling my leg!”
“I assure you I’m not.” With a wink, he leant in towards the door and whispered to it, “It’s me. I’m here.”
There was a few seconds’ pause. She held her breath, completely unsure as to what she was about to see. Then the door creaked, metal clanked heavily from within, bolts slid open, latches lifted.
Edward grinned excitedly as the double doors began to open. “Wanda Smith, may I present Her Majesty Queen Anne Boleyn!”
Wanda knew her mouth was hanging open in an astounded gawp, but she didn’t care. Anne Boleyn! I know hardly anything about history, but I know her!
As the doors opened fully, Wanda’s open-mouthed smile of excitement switched to a look of shock as Anne Boleyn – looking as Tudory as you would’ve expected – came rushing out, head attached, dress linens crinkling and rustling, a look of sharp terror in her large dark eyes.
“Save me!” she cried in a desperate gasp.
Edward, for once, looked as bamboozled as Wanda. “From what?”
Anne Boleyn turned and backed up so that she was standing between them. Wanda had to keep from pinching herself. I’m standing next to the ghost of Anne Boleyn! And she’s the same height as me! Even with a funny headdress on!
The deceased queen then pointed frantically back into the darkness of the church interior. “The executioner!”
Edward’s eyes registered a look, somewhere between glee and horror. “I beg your pardon – oh, hello!”
Out of the gloom, a stocky, beardy man dressed in a tunic and a dirty black leather apron came charging at them, wielding a heavy, rude-looking axe. He grunted, swinging the axe up in an arc above his head as he ran. Wanda let out a strangled shriek.
“Get back!” Edward shouted, shoving the two women backwards with both hands, right before lifting a boot and thumping it into the executioner’s considerable tummy.
Wanda staggered, instinctively grabbing hold of Anne as they both struggled to keep standing. Just grabbed a dead queen. Okay.
The executioner yelped. Edward’s kick had broken the swing of his attack. He fell backwards, back into the church, and Edward took that chance to reach in and pull the doors closed again, the heavy wooden panels meeting once more with a clunking thud.
Then he turned to Wanda and Anne, blowing out his cheeks exhaustedly. “Wanda, Annie – run!”
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