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Imagine you are out one day doing your normal routine when suddenly you get a call. Your best friend died in a tragic car accident.

How would you cope with having your life permanently changed in the blink of an eye?

Give this summary your focused attention for the next 10 minutes so you can become a more resilient person who can handle life’s tragedies.

This is a book summary of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do by the psychotherapist Amy Morin.

Thing I: Don’t Waste Time Feeling Sorry For Yourself

Imagine you break both your legs. You hop on the wheelchair and contemplate that you will be in this wheelchair for the rest of your life.

How would you react?

Why We Feel Sorry For Ourselves

The reason people feel sorry for themselves when they find they’re in a bad situation is because they are procrastinating.

They do not want to face life’s struggles, they choose to believe that they don’t have control over their circumstances and they play the victim card.

The Problem With Feeling Sorry For Yourself

1. It’s a waste of time.

2. It leads to more negative emotions.

3. It causes you to overlook the good in your life

To reduce feelings of self-pity, you need to change your behavior.

How To Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself

1. Volunteer to help a worthy cause. It’s hard to feel sorry for yourself when you’re serving hungry people in a soup kitchen or spending time with elderly residents in a nursing home.

2. Exchange Self-Pity For Gratitude. Gratitude not only impacts your psychological health, but it can also affect your physical health.

A study found: People who feel gratitude don’t get sick as often as others. They have lower blood pressure and better immune systems (1).

Thing II: Don’t Give Away Your Power

Think about someone you dislike.

How much time do you think about how much you dislike them? How much power do these people have over your mental energy?

Giving other people the power to control how you think, feel, and behave makes it impossible to be mentally strong.

Problems With Giving Away Your Power:

Not setting clear boundaries causes you to give away your power. Giving away your power makes…

1. You depend on others to regulate your feelings.

2. You let others define your self-worth.

3. You become sensitive to criticism.

How To Take Back Your Power

1. Forgive People Who Have Taken Your Power

2. Think Before You React

If you tend to react negatively, take deep breaths and excuse yourself from the situation.

3. Evaluate Feedback Critically

Ask yourself, what evidence is there that this is true? Why might this person be giving me this feedback?

One person’s opinion of you doesn’t make it true.

Thing III: Don’t Shy Away From Change

How well do you accept change? Are you able to change your habits, environment, or behavior when the need arises?

Or will you stick to the same old routines because it feels familiar even if it was bad for you?

Why You Shy Away From Good Change

You tend to justify a bad habit by convincing yourself what you’re doing isn’t “that bad”.

When you’re in a bad situation, you worry that making a change might make things worse.

The Problem With Shying Away From Change

1. You won’t learn new things

2. The longer you wait the harder it will get.

How To Not Shy Away From Change

Identify The Pros And Cons Of Changing

Create a list about the potentially good and bad outcomes of making a change.

Thing IV: Don’t Focus On Things You Can’t ControlWhy We Try To Control Everything

Trying to control everything starts as a way to manage anxiety. If you know you have everything under control, what’s there to worry about?

The Problem With Wasting Energy On Things You Can’t Control

1. You’ll unnecessarily blame yourself for everything.

2. Being a control freak damages relationships.

How To Focus On Things You Can Control

Recognize what you can control. Remember that the only thing you can control is your behavior and attitude.

Thing V: Don’t Worry About Pleasing Everyone

Do you say yes to nearly everything people ask of you?

Why We Try To Please People

1. Fear

People pleasers are afraid of conflict, therefore they try to avoid it by trying to make everyone happy.

2. Learned Behaviour

Sometimes the desire to avoid conflict stems from childhood. If you were raised by parents who were constantly arguing, you may have learned that conflict is bad and keeping people happy is the best way to prevent arguments.

The Problem With People Pleasing

1. It Damages The Relationships With People Close To You

Imagine your friend asked you to go out for the day to watch a movie or play golf but if you do that your spouse will get angry because you two already made plans. In situations like these people-pleasers will sacrifice the relationship with the people closest to them to please others.

2. You Lose Sight Of Your Values

You will stop doing what’s right and only focus on making people happy whether it’s good or bad.

How To Stop Pleasing Everyone

Determine Who You Want To Please

It’s not your job to keep everyone happy, just focus on the people you are closest to and devote your time to making them happy.

Thing VI: Don’t Fear Taking Calculated RisksWhy We Avoid Taking Risks

1. Emotion Prevails Over Logic

2. We Don’t Think About Risks

Instead, we base our decisions on emotions or habits. Think back to a time when you made an impulsive decision.

For example buying something expensive you don’t need or sending an embarrassing text to that woman you were obsessing over.

In times like these we need to restrain ourselves from making impulsive decisions. Give yourself time to think about the decision.

Sleep on it.

If it’s an important decision give yourself a week to think things through.

The Problem With Fearing RiskYou Won’t Be Extraordinary Without Taking Calculated Risks

If we don’t take risks we are likely missing out on great opportunities.

How To Reduce Fear

Balance Emotion With Logic

Many passengers are so afraid of flying they choose to drive long distances to get to a destination. Their decision to drive is based on emotion, not logic. There is only 1 in an 11 million chance that you will die in an airplane crash however there is 1 in a 5000 chance that you will die in a car crash over the same distance.

If you’re going to take a risk, wouldn’t you want the odds in your favor?

Thing VII: Don’t Dwell On The Past

Do you think about all the things you “should have” done differently? Thinking about the past won’t fix your problems.

Why We Dwell On The Past

Guilt, shame, and anger are just a few of the feelings that can keep you stuck in the past. You might think…

“If I stay miserable long enough, I’ll eventually be able to forgive myself!”

But this won’t work.

Problems With Dwelling On The Past

1. You miss out on the present.

2. You can’t prepare for the future.

How To Not Dwell On The PastShift Your Thinking

1. Give yourself something else to think about. Like watching a OnePercentBetter video instead.

2. Establish goals for the future. It’s impossible to dwell on the past if you’re planning for the future.

Thing VIII: Don’t Repeat Your MistakesWhy We Make The Same Mistakes

We make the same mistakes due to being impulsive and stubborn.

The Problem With Repeating Mistakes

1. You won’t ever reach your goals.

2. Your friends and family may get tired of hearing you complain.

How To Avoid Repeating Mistakes

1. Study the Mistake

Take some time to evaluate your mistake and figure out what went wrong. What could you have done better?

2. Create a Plan

Be on the lookout for old behavior. Find a way to hold yourself accountable by keeping a journal.

Thing IX: Don’t Resent Other People’s Success

Occasional jealousy is normal. But resentment is unhealthy.

Why We Resent Other People’s Success

We resent people because we want what they have. It could be a nicer car or a better house.

The Problem With Resenting Other People’s Success

1. You’ll stop focusing on your own path to success.

2. You will damage relationships.

3. You will abandon your values.

How To Stop Resenting Other People’s Success

1. Focus on cooperation rather than competition. Whenever you get envious of someone, reach out to them and find ways where you could benefit each other. Your resentment will disappear when you see someone not as a competitor but as a valuable ally.

2. Practise celebrating other people’s accomplishments.

Thing X: Don’t Give Up After The First FailureWhy We Give Up

You might have the feeling that if you fail once you’re most likely to fail again so you don’t bother trying again.

The Problem With Giving In To Failure

Giving up after the first failure can become a bad habit. Each time you quit, you strengthen the idea that failure is bad, which will prevent you from trying again.

How To Avoid Giving UpChange The Way You Think About Failure

Here are some thoughts about failure that will likely discourage you from trying again:

1. Failure is unacceptable.

2. I’m either a complete success or a complete failure.

Replace the irrational thoughts with these realistic reminders:

1. Failure is often part of the journey to success.

2. I can handle failure.

Thing XI: Don’t Fear Alone TimeWhy We Avoid Being Alone

You might think that spending time alone is a waste of time. You’d rather not think about your problems, so you distract yourself with work and other activities in your life.

The Problem With Fearing Solitude

Here’s what research says are the benefits of alone time that you might be missing out on:

Solitude at the office can increase productivity. A study(2) found that most people in the study performed better when they had some privacy.

How To Not Fear Solitude

1. Practice Tolerating Silence

With practice it will become easier. Use your alone time to write in a journal about your goals and feelings.

2. Meditate

Meditation has been linked to a variety of emotional benefits, including helping to reduce negative emotions.

Thing XII: Don’t Feel Like The World Owes You Anything

We all want our fair share in life but the idea that you’re owed something just because of who you are or being a ‘’know it all’’ can harm your career and personal life.

Why We Feel The World Owes Us SomethingSocial media fuels mistaken beliefs about self-importance.Overindulgent parenting prevents children from learning how to accept responsibility for their behavior.The Problem With A Sense Of EntitlementYou’ll be less likely to work hard when you’re busy complaining that you’re not getting what you’re owed.When you don’t get everything you want entitlement can lead to feelings of bitterness as you’ll think you were victimized.How To Not Be Entitled

Develop Self-awareness Of Your Sense Of Entitlement

Try to become more aware of these subtle moments of entitlement. Look for thoughts such as:

“I’m not following that law because it’s stupid.”

“I’m more valuable than others.”

“There’s always been something really special about me.”

Thing XIII: Don’t Expect Immediate ResultsWhy We Expect Immediate ResultsWe underestimate how long change takes.We overestimate our abilities.The Problem With Expecting Immediate Results

You may be tempted to take shortcuts. It leads to negative emotions when your expectations aren’t met.

How To Stop Expecting Immediate ResultsCreate realistic expectations.Practice delaying gratification.Before You Go

Thank you for reading! Check out the video summary if you haven’t already. We upload animated book summary videos to every month!

Click to watch the video summary of 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do by Amy MorinRecap

Let’s recap. In today’s summary, you learned…

Thing I: Don’t Waste Time Feeling Sorry For yourself

Thing II: Don’t Give Away Your Power

Thing III: Don’t Shy Away From Change

Thing IV: Don’t Focus On The Things You Can’t Change

Thing V: Don’t Worry About Pleasing Everyone

Thing VI: Don’t Fear Taking Calculated Risks

Thing VII: Don’t Dwell On The Past

Thing IX: Don’t Resent Other People’s Success

Thing X: Don’t Give Up After The First Time

Thing XI: Don’t Fear Alone Time

Thing XII: Don’t Feel Like The World Owes You Anything

Thing XIII: Don’t Expect Immediate Results

References2003 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social PsychologyDugosh KL, Paulus PB, Roland EJ, Yang HC. Cognitive stimulation in brainstorming. J Pers Soc Psychol. 2000;79(5):722–735. doi:10.1037//0022–3514.79.5.722