A lot of people write up a phone contract with their tweens.  Here’s mine:

To My 11-Year Old, an iPhone Contract From Your Dad, With Love and Rules

Congratulations!  You are the recipient of a new iPhone.  It has ruined my life and it will ruin yours.  There will be moments of joy, however.  

I didn’t mean to start off negatively.  It’s just…hard.  This is a contract to help you understand the rules that will hopefully keep you a happy and healthy digital citizen!  

IT IS MY PHONE.  I mean, I have my own phone, so I won’t ask for yours back.  I bought it for you, so in that sense it is *your* phone.  I also bought the clothes you wear and the food you eat and I never ask for any of that back.  Yes, sometimes I eat whatever you leave on your plate because I can’t help myself.  It’s a problem outside of the scope of our current phone contract, but I’ll try to do better.  

ALWAYS ANSWER WHEN YOUR MOTHER OR I CALL.  Yes, I know that I nearly always send Nana and Papa’s calls to voicemail.  But that is because I am often busy when they call.  I still love them a lot, it’s just that I can’t always talk when they call.  We have a different relationship though, right?

TAKE GOOD CARE OF IT.  And just like I don’t expect to buy a new bed for you each year, I won’t be buying you a new phone each year.  Oh sure, bed companies would have you believe that every year you need the newest bed technology; but I’m not going to pad Big Bed’s pockets every time they introduce some new bell or whistle or some kind of down pillow top.  Of course, at some point these new beds stop working suddenly, suspiciously around the time new bed operating systems come out.  You really can’t win.

I HAVE ACCESS TO IT.  I must have the password to your phone so I can access it at any time.  Make it something easy to remember so I don’t have to reset it all the time like I always have to do on mine.  Eventually, I will want you to have a hard-to-hack password - maybe I’ll even have to buy you a password manager.  I mean, that’s how they get you - could be that the people selling password manager apps are the same people hacking those who don’t use them!  Wouldn’t that be a thing?  These are just the sorts of things that you were blissfully unaware of, pre-phone.

SOMETIMES WE’LL HAVE TECHNOLOGY FREE ACTIVITIES.  Now that you’re going on the grid, it’s important to make sure you have time off the grid.  Yes, I’m putting you on the grid and asking you to get off the grid.  You’ll see!

NO USING YOUR PHONE AFTER 9PM.  Hoo boy, do I wish I had someone to tell me that rule.  I can’t tell you the number of times that I’ve worked myself into a lather by checking Twitter right before bed.  I tell myself to read a book, but do I listen?  No.  And in the morning, what’s the first thing I do?  Check Twitter and see what kind of madness is erupting in the news.  All this before coffee!  Why do I do it?  And the weekend - want a guaranteed way to ruin your weekend?  Go ahead and check your phone - there’s bound to be some work drama you need to deal with on your “day off.”

NO SOCIAL MEDIA.  Speaking of Twitter, we’re not letting you join any social networks without our approval.  That includes Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat and any others they come up with.  Trust me, once you get on these things you’ll wonder why the hell your great joke was only “liked” once and meanwhile some friend who isn’t nearly as funny has over 10,000 followers.  It’s maddening.  And Facebook?  Do you like having strong political opinions get nitpicked until you don’t care anymore?  Do you like Game of Thrones spoilers?  Do you like finding out someone you went to high school with is now a total racist?  Okay, I know you’re only going into middle school - but take a look at your current friends and you’ll be pretty surprised which ones of them become lunatics later in life.

IF IT BREAKS, WE MIGHT NOT REPLACE IT RIGHT AWAY.  But honestly we’d be doing you a favor.

Enjoy your new phone!