If you’ve been following this blog for a while., you know that I set myself a yearly goal of reading 52 books: one book a week. In 2019, I did not achieve that goal. In fact, I missed by a single book (sniff). Here’s a list of all the books I did read in 2019:

March

1. De Verwarde Cavia – Paulien Cornelisse

2. Language Change: Progress or Decay? – Jean Aitchison

3. Infinite Jest – David Foster Wallace  (this book is to blame for me reading so few books between last summer and now.)

4. All The Dirty Parts – Daniel Handler

5. Taal Voor De Leuk – Paulien Cornelisse

April

6. Notes on a Nervous Planet – Matt Haig

7. Hamlet – William Shakespeare (re-read)

8. Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? – Mindy Kaling

9. Yes Please – Amy Poehler

10. A Midsummer Night’s Dream – William Shakespeare (re-read)

11. Macbeth – William Shakespeare (re-read)

May

12. The Town In Bloom – Dodie Smith

13. Crampton Hodnet – Barbara Pym

14. Manhood and Masculine Identity in William Shakespeare’s the Tragedy of  Macbeth – Maria L. Howell

15. Moranifesto – Caitlin Moran

16. The Vesuvius Club – Mark Gatiss

June

17. Good Omens – Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

18.  Why Not Me? – Mindy Kaling

19. Less – Andrew Sean Greer

20. The Song of Achilles – Madeline Miller

July

21. The Golden Compass – Philip Pullman

August

22. The Subtle Knife – Philip Pullman

23. The Amber Spyglass – Philip Pullman

24.  The Girl On The Fridge – Etgar Keret

25. The House of Mirth – Edith Wharton

26.  Pride & Prejudice – Jane Austen (re-read)

27. The Stone Gods – Jeanette Winterson

September

28. Suddenly, A Knock On The Door – Etgar Keret

29. Zero K – Don Delillo

30. Ja, Maar… Omdenken – Bertold Gunster

October

31. Wayward Son – Rainbow Rowell

32. Oroonoko: The Royal Slave – Aprah Behn

33. Erec & Enide – Chretien de Troyes

November

34. Robinson Crusoe – Daniel Defoe

35. The 101 Dalmatians – Dodie Smith

36.  13 Ways of Looking At A Fat Girl – Mona Awad

37. Bunny – Mona Awad

38. If On A Winter’s Night A Traveller – Italo Calvino

39. Courage Calls To Courage Everywhere – Jeanette Winterson

40. The Cockroach – Ian McEwan

41. The Art Of Asking Your Boss For A Raise – Georges Perec

December

42.  Mrs. Dalloway – Virginia Woolf (re-read)

43. Satin Island – Tom McCarthy

44. Grand Union – Zadie Smith

45. Pnin – Vladimir Nabokov

46. Gmorning, Gnight! : Little Pep Talks For Me & You – Lin-Manuel Miranda & Jonny Sun

47. The Power – Naomi Alderman

48.  Lanny – Max Porter

49. A Room of One’s Own – Virginia Woolf

50. De Ochtend Valt – Manon Uphoff

51. Harry Potter & The Sorcerer’s Stone – J.K. Rowling (re-read)

Now. You’d have to be really, really mean if you went around judging me for the fact that, while I did read all of these books (note how Infinite Jest is on the list, and Robinson Crusoe, arguably an even worse reading experience), I didn’t make the magical number of 52. As it turns out though, my inner critic is really really mean. On December 31st, when it became clear I had no hope of finishing The Chamber of Secrets before midnight, I felt wave of disappointment in myself.

But do you know why I became sure I wouldn’t be able to finish the book that night? Because I wanted to spend the final hours of 2019 playing games and eating snacks with my closest friends and loved ones. Looking back now, knowing some of what 2020 had in store for us, a reading challenge seems like an incredibly silly thing to worry about.

I think now that that’s true of many failures. Looking back you will probably think it silly that you beat yourself up because a. you no longer fit a certain dress, b. you had to ask your boss to extend your deadline, c. you couldn’t stick to the exercise regime you vowed to do, e. you didn’t get the grade you were aiming for even though you studied really hard, f. [insert your own personal failure here.]

I put off publishing this list of books for quite a while because it felt like a reminder of my failures. Now I think it’s a reminder not to be ridiculously hard on yourself. It’s also a reminder to think about what you deem truly important, and don’t worry about failure too much, especially if the failure is unrelated to the things in your life you decided are truly important.