In the tradition of the greatest ponderers, I offer to you my thoughts to kick off the weekend:

•My mother-in-law comes to clean my house at least once a day. But what if I moved to a junkyard or a sandbox? What would she clean then? WHAT. THEN?

•I read about another author who, in addition to writing, directs "immersive theatre". Isn't all theatre immersive? You pay an airline's ticket worth of loot to go to the show, sit next to strangers (and their farts), and pretend not to feel rushed when there are fifty-dozen men who look like your father or your high-school gym teacher waiting behind you at the urinal. That's immersive.

•No matter how loudly you fart on an airplane, it seems no one can hear you. Is this because there are no farts in space, and an airplane is the atmospheric median between the surface of the earth (where farts are audible) and the vacuum of outer space?

•Italian women love to clean. If there were a nuclear-zombie-civil-war-apocalypse tomorrow, my mother-in-law would survive so that she could rearrange the rubble and put Pledge on the ashes of the irradiated corpses. My wife would fight her for the right to apply that Pledge.

•Don't vote. Instead, buy yourself a nice lunch and smile more than you would on most days. Then, if someone asks who you voted for, confuse them by saying you're a member of the Spicy Chicken Sandwich Party and you don't get elected until someone tastes your BBQ sauce. If no one offers to taste your sauce, you will have made the right choice. If someone DOES offer to taste your sauce...run.

And now, peace be upon you my friends!