EGO

The sanctum sanctorum of Lord Narayana was, well, for lack of a better word to describe it, divine. Everything about it was incredulously divine, nay, way beyond one’s perception of incredulously divine—the lambent resplendence of un-flickering golden flames, the uncloying ambrosial headiness of moist flowers, the soft, un-droning, sonorous chants of the Pranava mantra, the euphoric warmth of unthreatening protectiveness, the delicious consciousness of unimaginable Ananda.

And in the centre of it all, lain upon an artistically carved bed with the most exquisitely soft cotton mattress, was Krishna and Nappinai drenched in the auspiciousness. Or so it seemed to the illusory senses. For, aren’t Perumal and His Piratti the source of all auspiciousness that pervades not just that chamber but the entire universe?

The Paavai pengal stood aghast, as if frozen in time, as if they could not believe their eyes. They never expected to be in this sanctity.

Along with them, but closer to the celestial bedstead, stood Kothai, equally aghast, as if frozen in time, as if she could not believe her eyes. But not for the same reason as her Thozhis. She had expected to be in this sanctity. She had always believed she would be. There never was an ounce of doubt in her about this eventuality.

But what she could not believe was the sight in front of her.

“O Narayana! Do You think this is fair?
You who had always enticed me
To come looking for You,
You, whom I thought would wait with open arms
To receive me,
Do You think this is fair of You to ignore me thus?

Here You lie, Your broad chest resting Upon Nappinai’s divine bosom,
And her lotus-like hands are upon You,
Tell me please,
Did she stop You from welcoming us,
Or did You stop her from opening the doors for us?

O Krishna! Have I not strung tulsi with my own hands
Choosing only the greenest and the freshest,
So You will have only the best garlands in the whole Universe?
Will You not open Your Eyes and regard me for that?

O Padmanabha! Gone have I from house to house,
Waking up these pengal to Your Glory,
Can You not open Your Eyes just for that
And look at me?

O Madhusudhana! These pengal have come here seeking You
Only because I beseeched them to,
Would you not reward me a glimpse evenFor bringing Your devotees to You?

O Narayana! I cannot bear separation from You
Even for a miniscule second,My pining heart is breaking,And nothing but a brief glance from YouCan heal it.Will You not alleviate it with the salve of Your sight?”
The Paavai pengal looked at Kothai with something akin to jealousy that they could not be standing so close to the Lord as she was. 
Kothai looked at Nappinai with something akin to jealousy that she could not be as close to Krishna as His consort was.

“O Nappinai, is it fair that you keep Lord Narayana
Only to yourself?
You, His Piratti, enjoy nearness to Him,
You, His Piratti, share His bed with Him,
You, His Piratti, is one with Him,And we do not wish to see you otherwise,
Yet, even for a second do you not want to be parted from the Lord
So He may shower His Grace upon us with just a look
And grant us moksham with just a word from His Lips!
O Nappinai, we came hither to behold the charm
In your collyrium-lined eyes—
The blackness of our Lord Parthasarathy, the collyrium—
But you allure Him with those very eyes,
Holding His gaze within them.
Oh, how could you?

O Nappinai, your lips of rosy redness—The redness of His Heart, fragrant as a flower—
We desired that ruddiness to cast a smile towards us,But you enchant our Mukunda with themAnd He doesn’t want to bestow upon us even a Word.
O Nappinai, Hari is the only Purusha,
All else is stree,
You as Prakriti is the quintessence of empathy,
What makes you do this to us simple village girls?
This ego is not becoming of you,
Please allow Him to wake up
So we Paavai pengal who are fasting for His blessing,May soon find liberation.”

But Perumal and Piratti, nonchalant their stance, made no move but lay as recumbent as before.

What is ego? What is egolessness? It’s the same as illusion and reality. One is not the other, the other is not the one. Yet we err.
There is only one reality: Lord Narayana.

Photographs courtesy: Shankar Ramakrishnan
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Please note: This is NOT a translation of the divine verses sung by the revered poet-saint Andal. I have not the qualifications for that undertaking, my greatest limitation being my inability to read and write Tamil. Nor can I claim to be as devoted and as passionate as Andal was to Her Rangamannar. But I do love Krishna in my own way and these verses are just my attempt at writing a poem a day, as Kothai did over the thirty days of Margazhi, centuries ago. The muse for each of these thirty verses are the thirty songs that form the thirty paasurams of Thiruppavai. As I can't read or write Tamil, I have had to look up the Internet for translations and transliterations of Thiruppavai. I have provided the links below. Also for the same reason is why my poetry is in English. 
I offer this humble work at the Lotus Feet of my Lord Parthasarathy, my Krishna, my Flautist of Brindaranyam.
Click here for Thiruppavai series 2020, Day 18 of Margazhi: 02 January 2021THE CONSORT

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