Earlier in the week I had the distinct pleasure of watching the Snyder Cut of Justice League. It would be an understatement to say that I was blown away by the movie, despite the fact that it was essentially the same story as the theatrical cut. This led me to ask myself, why? How can one movie that tells almost the exact same story be so much better than the other? At first I thought that maybe it had to do with Zach Snyder being a more skilled director. While Snyder is an impressive story teller, Joss Whedon is no slouch either. Firefly and its follow up film Serenity are two of my favorite works in the science fiction genre and The Avengers was fantastic. So I came back to the same question again: What was it that Snyder did with his cut that made it so vastly superior to Whedon’s cut?

I stewed on it for a while and couldn’t put my finger upon it. Finally, it dawned on me that Snyder simply told the story better. While this sounds like an oversimplification, take this hypothetical for a moment: two story tellers are reciting the story of Jack and Jill. One tells the story word for word, about how they went up the hill, and Jack fell down and Jill came tumbling after. It is a perfectly passable rendition and touches upon all the key points, correct? However, the next story teller gives us a background and motivation for why the duo went up the hill in the first place. In addition, the second story teller continues the nursery rhyme with two additional verses that came after the initial one, in which Jack goes to bed to heal and Jill is punished for causing Jack to fall in the first place. Now, not only can the audience relate to both Jack and Jill since we know why they are going up the hill to fetch a pail of water, but we area also seeing the fall out from the decisions they made and the consequences of their trip. Is it still the same story? Yes, undoubtedly. Is the second version a vastly superior story to the first? The answer, of course, in unquestionably yes.

The reason that I am spending so much time on this is because I have run into this problem before with my own writing. While I am certainly not a story teller on par with Whedon or Snyder, I do take pride in my work and thoroughly enjoy telling a story. One of my stories, Eternal Vigilance, was supposed to be my greatest short story. I had this brilliant concept using a familiar trope that served as the the origin story for one of my favorite characters that I have ever conceived. The story was good. Unfortunately, I did a lousy job telling that story for a variety of reasons.

There are a multitude of reasons that Eternal Vigilance is the least read story on my website. The number one reason was simply that I failed to tell Grey’s story in a compelling manner. In Haven Lost, Grey Dynast is an Admiral in the Hope Space Force and regarded as one of the greatest military minds of his generation. He had a gift for reading situations and coming up with unconventional solutions to difficult problems. Grey served as a mentor to Firo (the protagonist of Haven Lost) and played a major role in the second half of the novel. It was also well known that Grey was a bit of a hothead when he was younger with a habit of not following orders.

If you read Eternal Vigilance, you would know right away that this sounds nothing like the main character of the short story. In the story, instead of being and overconfident hothead, Grey is an insecure character that turns out to be a bit of a wunderkind. He was a bit of Gary Stu (the male version of a Mary Sue, or a character that is overpowered and perfect for no apparent reason other than that the story needs them to be.) He was placed in the situation where he needed to succeed and after whining about it a bit was suddenly a brilliant strategist and saved the day. There was no character development, no moment where Grey had to grow into a better version of himself. The way he was written in the story was boring and did a massive disservice to the character that he would later become in Haven Lost.

The other main problem was the lack of any real impact from the space battles. I think that part of the problem was that I was hyper-focused on trying to have some semblance of realism that I failed to make sure that there battles were interesting in any way. The first battle felt floaty and easy while the final battle relied on a deus ex machina moment. The second battle had a little bit of tension, mainly because it was happening on the other end of a radio. The battles were no fun, and the ship and crew never felt like they were in any real danger. Because of this, any impact the battles had was lost.

The first step to fixing a problem is admitting that there is a problem to fix.

As I said above, the story of Eternal Vigilance itself is actually a good story. The trope of an inexperienced, cocksure officer being suddenly thrust into command is a tried and true trope. Books like Dune, The Mote in God’s Eye, and Ender’s Game all feature this trope to some extent, as does the film Battleship (time will prove me right on thinking that Battleship is a great movie!). These characters all have the capacity and ability to be leaders, but they aren’t ready for it. In all these cases, the main character rises to the occasion, maybe taking a few missteps along the way, but in the end proving that they are deserving of being a leader.

The fix here is a relatively simple one and that is to change Grey’s role in the chain of command. Instead of him being the young and gifted second in command, what if Grey was a newly promoted pilot? As someone who used to spend a lot of time around pilots when I was younger, I can tell you firsthand that pilots are some of the cockiest, arrogant individuals I have ever met. Think Maverick from Top Gun. He’s an arrogant bastard but damn is he good behind the stick of a fighter plane. Maverick is not someone I would want in charge of others as I don’t think he has the ability to manage and utilize the people around him; every solution Maverick will think of will typically involved Maverick being a better pilot. This is what I want for Grey Dynast. Having him try to solve everything himself at first only to realize that he needs to utilize the crew around him not only gives me a chance to show off that he is a badass, but also gives him a full character arc where he grows and learns.

In addition, Eternal Vigilance is an underdog story. They are outnumbered three to one, outgunned and outmatched in every way. The no win situation trope is one of my favorites as it has a built in tension where you are constantly wondering how they are going to succeed in the end when everything is stacked against them. In the past decade their have been multiple works where this trope was the main building block, such as the excellent anime Attack on Titan. This trope was at its finest in David Brin’s masterpiece Startide Rising, in which one barely functional starship had dozens of alien fleets standing between them and safety. The odds of them succeeding were so exceptionally low, which made their eventual escape that much more satisfying. When writing Eternal Vigilance, I wanted the reader to breathe a sigh of relief every time that the crew of the Vigilant survived an encounter. I wanted their to be tension, and there wasn’t any.

Part of the reason for a lack of tension was the fact that space battle should be utterly terrifying. There should be that fear in the background of all the characters minds that all that stands between them and the vacuum of space is the armor of their ship. There should be a fear that the strain of acceleration and applying multiple g’s of force on the body is potentially fatal. There should be the dread of not being able to actually see who you are fighting against due to the darkness of space; that the first time you see an enemy ship may be the very last moment of your life. Other than the initial barrage on the Vigilant, which they overcame very quickly somehow, the ship and the characters never felt like they were in any danger.

This fix is more complicated. I want the Vigilant to be outnumbered and outgunned, and on top of that the ship is barely holding together after the initial attack. If they try to stand up and fight, there is zero chance they will win so instead the crew will have to rely on cunning and strategy. I also want the environment to be an ever present concern for the characters. Space is deadly, and needs to be treated in that way. For inspiration here, I looked to the closest equivalent we have, which is submarine combat. K19, U-571, Crimson Tide, Das Boot; in every one of these there is not only the tension between the ships where they cannot visibly see one another, but also the constant threat of being crushed by the pressure of the ocean.

While most of my time right now is focused on Tuatha dé Danann, Haven Lost is still a major piece of my portfolio moving forward. Because of that, I cannot settle for mediocrity in pieces that carry that name on it. So, in the near future, the version of Eternal Vigilance that is currently on my website will be getting removed and retired safely to my OneDrive. I have made the decision to reboot Eternal Vigilance so I can give Grey and the crew of the Vigilant the telling of their story that they deserve. Like I said in the opening, Eternal Vigilance has a good story at its core, I just did a poor job telling that story. I have been working on the reboot little by little, trying to put together ideas that work really well. One of the big pieces that I am going to lean on in the reboot is that Grey and the crew of the Vigilant are experienced pirate hunters in the very unique setting that The Sepulcher offers. I want to lean on that expertise and use that to their advantage in overcoming the seemingly overwhelming odds against them. In addition, Grey Dynast needs to receive the story arc that does his character justice. I want to see Grey grow from an unlikeable but talented low level officer into the unconventional leader that he is in Haven Lost. The most important change, is that I want the story to be fun and have some real tense moments for the reader. After all, if the story isn’t fun, what the hell is the point in reading it?

Stay tuned for more news about the reboot of Eternal Vigilance, coming soon!

What did you think of the original Eternal Vigilance? If you were one of the dozen or so that read it, I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

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