Narcissists are exhausting
Look, I’m going to be real with you here.
It may sound harsh but… safe yourself the headache. And the heartache.
It’s going to be tempting to try - and yes, you’ll think that you’re “different” and that you can change them - but….. It usually doesn’t work like that.
During the underlying phases of the relationship the narcissist will love you, putting the world at your feet. They will call and text you regularly, sharing transparently the amount they respect you, how stricken they are by you, how crucial and extraordinary you are to them. They will compliment you and need to associate with you consistently. This strategy is classified "lovebombing" and its point is to suck you into a hazardous condition of passionate reliance on their consistent acclaim, consideration and approval.
Furthermore, when they are certain that you have effectively fallen completely devoted to them, damnation will break lose. For you. You will feel horrendous without having the option to very clarify why, you will feel regretful, off-base, self centered and so forth. Furthermore, you will battle for a greater amount of the old scrumptious commendation and care they used to give you. You will end up saying 'sorry' for what you have done and what you are. You will be fixated on the memory of how extraordinary things used to be among you and you will be prepared to do nearly anything to get back there.
You can’t help narcissists simply because most of them don’t want to change. They don’t think there’s anything wrong with them in the first place and they don't think it affects their mental health.
What you ought to understand is that narcissism isn't merely a minor lack of empathy that can be excused by a desire for achievement. The reality is that narcissism is a major personality trait that can have a negative impact on any relationship.
1. Downgrading After Worship
After the glorification stage is finished – which for the most part happens suddenly, with no signs – you will be pushed off your platform. The narcissist will out of the blue (and mysteriously) become cold and removed. It is then that they will begin reprimanding you. They will contrast you with others – consistently to your inconvenience.
At the point when you attempt to converse with them they will give you the quiet treatment and ensure you realize how seriously disillusioned they are with you. You will at that point come to trust you are to blame and you will make endeavors to merit their previous pleasantness again – to push the relationship back to the special night stage.
Your longing to win them back will prompt the narcissist calling you penniless, desirous and choking. Sporadically, the narcissist will wash you in the caring conduct they exhibited in the start of the relationship. And afterward they will return to delaying, lack of engagement and irregularity. Causing you to feel altogether insignificant after you "meant everything to them".
2.Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a manipulative technique employed by the narcissist to make you lose track of how they are causing you pain. Basically, every time you rebel against their accusations, they will make you feel even more inadequate – for bringing up the subject, being crazy, stressing them out, generally pushing them away, and provoking their anger.
The narcissist will convince you that is not them, it’s you. They will explain to you how emotionally unstable you are, how your issues are being projected onto them. The regular phrases they will use are:
“I never knew you were that sensitive”
“I never said that”
“You make it sound like it’s my fault”
“You always take things so personally”
“I can’t take this anymore”
Gaslighting makes you believe you are the one that endangers the relationship with your claims, questions, and neediness. You will somehow always seem to be the one that has to behave better and understand them more. So, even when the relationship becomes really toxic, you will try to stay and fix it – because you will think it’s your responsibility to make amends for your “wrongdoings”.
You realize the amount it harms when someone says another person is such a ton better than you in various stuff. Indeed, that is what is the issue here – causing an individual to accept they're less important or achieved, or appealing than another person.
The individual who the narcissist will contrast you with can be anyone – a companion, a shared colleague, a parent, an escort, even a total outsider. By and by, regularly they will contrast you with somebody of your own sexual orientation ensuring you feel embarrassment and trouble as well as desire.
For the narcissist it is vital to keep you re-thinking their fondness for you. This is on the grounds that their control works best when they cause you to rival an outsider for their consideration and endorsement. You will feel unreliable and lacking, apprehensive that they're losing revenue in you, and you will urgently attempt to adhere to your most desirable characteristics request to tempt the narcissist back into adoring you (and just you!) more.
How to save yourself?
Straightforward yet excruciating. Leave.
You won't ever have the option to beat the narcissist unexpectedly as you stay in the relationship sitting tight for them to change their conduct. Their savagery will in the end transform into delicacy and care. You can't and won't adore them enough to fix them or fix them. They won't return the affection eventually. As agonizing as that may sound, it is your lone pass to a genuinely solid life. Leave the relationship and don't think back in any event, when they attempt to win you back with tears, guarantees, lament, re-touched off energy or whatever manipulative stunt they may make appear out of nowhere.
So, what is narcissism? Here are some narcissistic traits of a narcissist.
They think they’re much better than others. They feel entitled to things. They expect you to always conform to their wishes and desires.
And if you don’t, they’re not afraid to manipulate you into feeling and doing EXACTLY what they want from you.
You know, narcissists are so. much. more. than people obsessed with themselves.
It’s so hard to define them actually.
First of all, they’re NOT madly in love with themselves. They don’t spend days in front of the mirror. They don’t want to be the center of attention because they enjoy it.
Actually, all of that behavior is just a mask to hide on what’s really going on the inside.
The reason why they appear so full of themselves is because they are, in fact, VERY much empty.
Not empty of emotion – empty of self-love and self-worth.
The truth is, they DO have emotions and emotional needs that need to be met (just like regular people) but they don’t have the skills – or the emotional maturity – to communicate what they expect from the other person.
Because after all, having our emotional needs met and meeting the emotional needs of another person is what emotional maturity is all about – that’s how you make friends!
Building relationships with narcissists is impossible. Narcissistic tendencies, since they lack empathy, they can’t form a real emotional connection to any other person…. Let alone offer something in return. (they can manipulate you into thinking they do, though). Their narcisistic tendercies is to avoid therapy.
What they feel strongly about is primal emotions – think fear and anger the most.
That’s why they’re known to behave so… so off-putting and aggressive.
They’re scared.
Deep down, most narcissists are drowning in their own insecurities, hence the need to put on a show for the rest of the world. They have a massive void and try to compensate for that void by CONSTANTLY asking for the admiration and attention of others.
I could go on and on talking about this.
What I’ve said so far is what I’ve noticed from my experience – the truth is, there can always be some differences from one narcissist to another. No two narcissists are the same!
Another thing to point out is that we can all sometimes be a bit narcissistic but that doesn’t mean we have a narcissistic personality disorder.
That’s why I think it’d be helpful if I gave you some pointers on how to tell if you’re dealing with a narcissist and what can you do to keep your sanity!
How to tell if someone’s a narcissist
Narcissists are everywhere around us but it’s often very hard to spot a narcissist when you first meet them.
The reason is, they can appear as a crowd’s favorite. They can be extremely charismatic and charming and people-pleasing, just to get you to like them.
Also, they may seem easy-going at first but once you meet them…. You’ll realize they are anything but!
Just to be sure, I looked this up and here are the MAJOR red flags to tell if someone’s a narcissist. If someone has one or two of these, it’s fine – but if someone you know has MOST of the signs on the list, you better watch out!
· They talk a LOT – and you don’t get to say anything!
Building relationships with someone requires conversations. And conversations are done by TWO people taking turns talking!
Narcissists love doing a lot of talking but prefer to do ZERO listening, just because they pretty much don’t care about what you have to say. Even if you do get a chance to talk, the conversation will redirect back to them in NO TIME.
If you’re talking with a narcissist, expect to be interrupted at least a dozen times and leave that conversation feeling emotionally drained!
Observe – how do you feel when interacting with someone? If they don’t make you feel good during a simple conversation, how do you expect them to be a good friend or partner?
· They don’t care about you
Narcissists can’t identify with other people because they lack both empathy and compassion.
I’ve once read a report from a therapist specializing in treating patients with NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder) who claims that one-third of her patients can develop SOME empathy very slowly, under the condition that they put in the hard work…
I will NEVER again be in a relationship with a person who can’t relate to me and what I’m going through because that person will make you feel miserable at times you need them the most.
· They try very hard to impress you
Narcissists excel at bragging.
Trust me, the less reasons they have to brag about, the MORE they’ll keep on bragging. That’s how they compensate for the lack of self-confidence – that’s how they do an ego boost!
Most of that is fluff.
· They ask for special treatment
Hey, so I know we can all be special snowflakes for some things… like, we all enjoy getting special treatment but narcissists are next level.
They don’t only ask for special treatment – they DEMAND for constant, never-ending streams of attention and flattery and are known to get seriously upset if they’re not treated like royalty 24/7.
To see if your new friend or partner is guilty of this, just observe how they treat others around them. Do they get impatient or downright evil if they don’t get the special treatment they think they deserve?
If the answer’s yes, then that may be a HUGE red flag!
· They are quick to snap if things don’t go the way they want
Narcissists are known to be unable to handle rejection or failure or anything that indicates things aren’t going the way they want or expect.
It’s like watching a grown up toddler throw a tantrum for a menial reason.
On top of that, even if you suggest ways of handling the disappointment, they never ever want to take responsibility for their own life… and would rather point fingers to others..
Life doesn’t always turn the way we want and being able to cope with that fact is one of the keys to being happy, content and at peace with yourself.
My first contact with a narcissist wasn’t in a romantic relationship, though later on, I unwillingly or better said, UNKNOWINGLY, ended up in one.
Way back in college, a friend invited us for a long weekend to visit her dad. Her parents were divorced but her dad had a boat house at a nearby lake, and according to her, we were welcome there.
As any other college group of girls, we were thrilled to be going away from campus and onto an adventure. I mean, spend the long weekend at A BOAT HOUSE? As an immigrant child, I’d never before even dared to think about a boat house, let alone STAY in one.
What my friend didn’t tell – looking back now, she probably didn’t know it either, she just said her dad can be a bit “demanding” at times – was that her dad was the biggest narcissist I have ever met!
Put most simply, her dad was a jerk – funny, charismatic, successful……. but a jerk nonetheless.
I know, I know, the j-word is probably harsh but before you judge me, trust me, I’ve never seen anything like it before. Honestly, I even doubt I’ll even see something like it again.
He LOVED – L O V E D – being the center of attention.
He wouldn’t stop talking about himself. He thrived talking about his job and how important his role is. (the guy had a senior position at a well-known bank)
He made EVERYTHING about him – even if we said something like, the weather’s nice, he’d go on and add something like, OF COURSE IT’S NICE, I wouldn’t choose this place if it hadn’t had a nice weather! Like dude, you can’t control the weather!
At first, it was fun.
To a bunch of college girls, he was really impressive. He told the best jokes. He took us for a boat ride. He gave us booze. He was like a tour guide!
Soon, it became exhausting.
That guy wouldn’t shut up!
He felt the need to be the star of a show he wasn’t even invited to – after all, it was a girls’ weekend getaway!
Any time we’d try to steer the conversation away from him, he’d become extremely upset. He’d start tapping with his leg or walk away. Once, when he came back, he (very rudely!) interrupted a very short-lived conversation asking whether we are “done talking ONLY about our own lives”.
Once we stared in disbelief at him, he continued talking about his job and his boat YET AGAIN!
But the major red flag was that he continued talking cheerfully, AS IF NOTHING’D HAPPENED A MINUTE AGO! Like, where did all that anger vanish into? It was like a switch went on and off and you NEVER knew what was gonna happen the next minute!
And then came what I call his “tantrums”.
You know how a toddler can get upset for the most various of reasons – something along the lines of, he can’t reach to the sun and the next minute, he’s in tears?
Well, the same happened with this guy.
One of the girls was pouring us some drinks and spilled some on the table. She didn’t even spill the whole drink, just a few drops.
OH. MY. GOD – the guy lost it! He went batshit crazy on the SPOT. He started yelling, saying how disrespectful we are towards him and ruining his property, yada yada yada…
I couldn’t believe what I hear!
That weekend couldn’t finish fast enough and there were at least a dozen other tantrums! Even if there was a tiny teeny inconvenience, he’d flip!
Apart from the spilled drink, reasons for his meltdown included one of the girls asking if we could move the table under the shade – WHY DID WE COME IF WE DIDN’T LIKE STAYING OUT ON THE SUN? – one of the girls supposedly giving him a “funny look” and his own daughter not knowing how to make mashed potatoes right because she’s “just that stupid”.
Yup…….
What is narcissism?
I know the story I told you now is a bit extreme.
I’ve never again had the “pleasure” of meeting someone that extreme but other narcissists can be very, very exhausting.
They think they’re much better than others. They feel entitled to things. They expect you to always conform to their wishes and desires.
And if you don’t, they’re not afraid to manipulate you into feeling and doing EXACTLY what they want from you.
You know, narcissists are so. much. more. than people obsessed with themselves.
It’s so hard to define them actually.
First of all, they’re NOT madly in love with themselves. They don’t spend days in front of the mirror. They don’t want to be the center of attention because they enjoy it.
Actually, all of that behavior is just a mask to hide on what’s really going on the inside.
The reason why they appear so full of themselves is because they are, in fact, VERY much empty.
Not empty of emotion – empty of self-love and self-worth.
Now that I think about it, it’s pretty common to think that narcissist are sociopaths that don’t have any emotion.
The truth is, they DO have emotions and emotional needs that need to be met (just like regular people) but they don’t have the skills – or the emotional maturity – to communicate what they expect out of the other person.
Because after all, having our emotional needs met and meeting the emotional needs of another person is what emotional maturity is all about – that’s how you make friends!
Building relationships with narcissists is downright impossible. Since they lack empathy, they can’t form a real emotional connection to any other person…. Let alone offer something in return. (they can manipulate you into thinking they do, though)
What they do feel strongly is primal emotions – think fear and anger the most.
That’s why they’re know to behave so… so off-putting and aggressive.
They’re scared.
Deep down, most narcissists are drowning in their own insecurities, hence the need to put on a show for the rest of the world. They have a massive void and try to compensate for that void by CONSTANTLY asking for the admiration and attention of others.
I could go on and on talking about this.
What I’ve said so far is what I’ve noticed from my experience – the truth is, there can always be some differences from one narcissist to another. No two narcissists are the same!
Another thing to point out is that we can all sometimes be a bit narcissistic but that doesn’t make us narcissists.
That’s why I think it’d be helpful if I gave you some pointers on how to tell if you’re dealing with a narcissist and what can you do to keep your sanity!
WORD OF ADVICE:
There’s a difference between the Narcissistic Personality Disorder and narcissism as a trait.
How to tell if someone’s a narcissist
Narcissists are everyone around us but it’s often very hard to spot a narcissist when you first meet them.
The reason is, they can appear as a crowd’s favorite. They can be extremely charismatic and charming and people-pleasing, just to get you to like them.
Also, they may seem easy-going at first but once you meet them…. You’ll realize they are anything but!
Just to be sure, I looked this up and here are the MAJOR red flags to tell if someone’s a narcissist. If someone has one or two of these, it’s fine – but if someone you know has MOST of the signs on the list, you better watch out!
· They talk a LOT – and you don’t get to say anything!
Building relationships with someone requires conversations. And conversations are done by TWO people taking turns talking!
Narcissists love doing a lot of talking but prefer to do ZERO listening, just because they pretty much don’t care about what you have to say. Even if you do get a chance to talk, the conversation will redirect back to them in NO TIME.
If you’re talking with a narcissist, expect to be interrupted at least a dozen times and leave that conversation feeling emotionally drained!
Observe – how do you feel when interacting with someone? If they don’t make you feel good during a simple conversation, how do you expect them to be a good friend or partner?
· They don’t care about you
Narcissists can’t identify with other people because they lack both empathy and compassion.
I’ve once read a report from a therapist specializing in treating patients with NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder) who claims that one-third of her patients can develop SOME empathy very slowly, under the condition that they put in the hard work…
But in my experience, waiting for someone to develop empathy is time lost, and EMPATHY is now one of the traits that are must-have in my partner.
While I can’t reveal much more, I’m only going to add that I will NEVER again be in a relationship with a person who can’t relate to me and what I’m going through because that person will make you feel miserable at times when you need them the most.
· They try very hard to impress you
Narcissists excel at bragging.
There’s nothing more exhausting than ending up seated next to a narcissist at a dinner party… oh boy, I once remember a girl that honestly, left me exhausted by the time I went home.
Trust me, the less reasons they have to brag about, the MORE they’ll keep on bragging. That’s how they compensate for the lack of self-confidence – that’s how they do an ego boost!
Most of that is fluff.
Narcissists tend to portray minor achievements (or should I say, under-achievements) as a huge success just to impress others. Remember, a person who has a lot to brag about stays humble 9 out of 10 times.
· They ask for special treatment
Hey, so I know we can all be special snowflakes for some things… like, we all enjoy getting special treatment but narcissists are next level.
They don’t only ask for special treatment – they DEMAND for constant, never-ending stream of attention and flattery and are known to get seriously upset if they’re not treated like royalty 24/7.
I’ve noticed this is especially true in times when they’re paying for a product or service – think dining out or going on a vacation or even waiting at the dentist. They’ll make a scene the minute they feel like they’re not the center of attention.
Those are the type of people that make a scene at a restaurant if the “ice cream is too cold” or have a meltdown at the dentist if they have to wait a few minutes longer.
To see if your new friend or partner is guilty of this, just observe how they treat others around them. Do they get impatient or downright evil if they don’t get the special treatment they think they deserve?
If the answer’s yes, then that may be a HUGE red flag!
· They are quick to snap if things don’t go the way they want
Narcissists are known to be unable to handle rejection or failure or anything of that matter that indicates things aren’t going the way they want or expect.
And what’s even worse, not only are behaving extremely irrational when things take a down turn (because hey, you can’t control life), they take it out on those around them.
It’s like watching a grown up toddler throw a tantrum for a menial reason.
On top of that, even if you suggest ways of handling the disappointment, they never ever want to take responsibility for their own life… and would rather point fingers to others.
If you have a narcissist in your life, I’m sorry but expect to be guilty for whatever’s happening in their life 9 out of 10 times. Someone else (the cashier at Walmart, the Uber driver) will take the fault the 10th time but never the narcissist.
Life doesn’t always turn the way we want and being able to cope with that fact is one of the keys to being happy, content and at peace with yourself.
Can you - and should you - try to change narcissists?
Look, I’m going to be real with you here.
It may sound harsh but… safe yourself the headache. And the heartache.
It’s going to be tempting to try - and yes, you’ll think that you’re “different” and that you can change them - but….. It usually doesn’t work like that.
You can’t help narcissists simply because most of them don’t want to be helped. They don’t think there’s anything wrong with them in the first place.
Even if you bring them to your therapist's office and make them go there… two thirds of narcissists willing to work with someone give up after a few sessions only.
True, they are people just like the rest of us and we should try to understand them and help them as much as possible (without eroding our own personal boundaries) but building genuine connections with narcissists is downright impossible.
In my humble experience, the only way they can be helped is if they agree to work with a therapist and at the same time, work on developing their empathy. There’s no other way.
I know this is too big of a topic so I’m going to slowly wrap things up now but I’d love to hear your opinion and your experience with narcissists.
Have you ever had to deal with a narcissist? Be in a relationship with a narcissist? Have someone in your family that’s a narcissist?
I’d love to hear your stories and your experience, let’s talk more about this topic and help each other!
Resources
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/narcissism
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201812/how-spot-narcissist
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201411/are-you-narcissist-infographic
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/201910/is-narcissism-treatable
