The myth of ever-lasting happiness 

First I finished high school, then I went to college, then to graduate school, then I landed a great job in SF… I did everything by the book. 

And yet, even though I lived through plenty of happy moments throughout, I still felt sad sometimes. I still had bad days. I still didn’t want to leave my room sometimes. 

To me, that was an absolute deal-breaker. 

I was not ALLOWED to feel bad – for any reason whatsoever. 

How dare my brain make me feel something else than pure joy? 

That’s not the life I imagined to have, I used to think to myself. 

I had it all, I was supposed to ALWAYS be happy and yet I wasn’t. Where’s my happiness now?!, I so unreasonably demanded someone to answer. 

The way I saw it, living a happy life was the opposite of living an unhappy life. 

In my mind, people were either happy or sad – never both. I couldn’t comprehend that both happiness and sadness could coexist – pretty happily, mind you – on the same spectrum.  

It wasn’t until I crashed hard and hit rock bottom that I realized just how unfair I was to myself. I held myself to expectations no human being could ever live up to.

Turns out, there’s this myth of a happy life we’ve been fed all our lives. 

In that myth, there’s no room for sadness or doubt or fear or anger… or any other emotion dubbed unpleasant on the spectrum. 

You see that myth everywhere around you: in books, magazines, movies, commercials, people talk about it, people hustle hard trying to turn it into a reality. 

I want to be happy when I grow up has become a mandatory goal for everyone…  

And in a society that values “good emotions only” being sad feels like being a failure. 

The truth about happiness & sadness

But that’s just not how it works. 

Sadness is one of our main emotions that we need in our day to day life. 

Mind you, we’re not talking here about chronic depression – I just hate how often sadness is being connected with depression when that’s just not the case – … that’s completely different. 

We’re talking about being sad for… reasons. 

Someone you love moves away on the other side of the country. You hear about the bushfires in Australia and you feel bad for all the animals that lost their lives. You have an argument with a loved one and things don’t end up well. 

That type of sadness often feels like an invisible weight we’re left carrying around with us. 

The problem is, a lot of people struggle to identify what they’re feeling. They feel bad but don’t know the reason: they’re refusing to let themselves feel bad. And pinpointing sadness isn’t always easy because hey, we’re complex people – there’s never ONLY one emotion we feel at a time, it’s often a mix of at least few. 

I’ve felt bad for the last few days and I didn’t know why. I was lethargic and unproductive and just wasn’t in the mood to do much. I had that feeling of carrying a burden within but couldn’t find out why. 

To my rational brain, there wasn’t a reason to feel blue… and yet that’s exactly how I felt. But our emotions can’t always be as rational as we expect them to be. 

Wanna know when I felt better? 

I only felt better after allowing myself to feel sad. 

The truth is, I’d been bothered with a particular problem for a while now, and that problem, apart from making me angry and disappointed, it also made me feel sad.  

I just didn’t want to admit the sad part to myself. The sadness was hiding beneath all that anger and disappointed because hey, being sad for something means we care. And I didn’t want to admit to myself that I actually cared more than I thought! 

So what did I do? 

Well, I got a bit emotional at first and once I allowed myself to feel sad, it all just started pouring out of me. Wave after wave after wave. I couldn’t believe just how much I’d been carrying around! 

I had a good cry, I admitted to myself what’s been hurting me and what’s the reason I respond so emotionally to a situation like that. 

And guess what… in as little as an hour, ONE HOUR, I felt re-energized, like my old self. 

All of that happened only after I allowed myself to feel SAD. 

So see, that’s how sadness and happiness can coexist in harmony.   

Feeling sad is great. It’s wonderful actually! It means that soon after, you’ll feel happy again! 

What to do about it? 

As you can see, I dealt with my sadness by crying. 

Some people talk to their friends. Others journal. Some go for a run. Some call their therapist. 

You choose what works for you. 

It’s okay if you do different things on different occasions. 

I felt like crying the other day and that did me good. Other times, I’ve called my friend and after talking for a few hours, I was as good as new. 

The method doesn’t matter as much as acknowledging the emotion first. 

Now, if you’re feeling a lot of different emotions and aren’t sure whether you’re sad or scared or angry, talking to yourself helps. 

To decide whether you’re sad or not, do two things: 

- Observe your body. Sadness has the ability to suck energy out of you, so if you’ve been procrastinating or just felt tired all the time, maybe do a quick self-check to make sure you’re allowing yourself to experience even the unpleasant emotions on the spectrum.

- Another thing I’ve found helpful is asking yourself reverse questions until you dig out the basic emotion underneath. 

For example, what am I feeling right now? I’m feeling very, very angry. 

What made me feel that emotion? My friends met up on a Friday night and I wasn’t invited. 

Why does being invited matters so much to me? I care for my friends and I also don’t want feeling left out. 

What happens if I feel that someone’s leaving me out? I get triggered because I have abandonment issues. 

What’s the reason for my abandonment issues? My father left me when I was young. 

And how did that make me feel? That made me feel sad. 

BOTTOM LINE: I may feel angry towards my friends but that’s just a surface emotion. The core emotion I’m feeling is sadness! 

This may be a dumb example but you see my point here. Just guide yourself through the process! 

How to tell if sadness is more than just sadness? 

So bottom line is, feeling something, even if that feels unpleasant, is good for you. LET YOURSELF FEEL. Give yourself permission to feel! 

BUT BUT BUT! I feel obligated to say this! 

Not all sadness is equal. 

If you notice you’re feeling blue for longer periods of time without an obvious reason (you’re not grieving or dealing with a loss), then do something about it. 

Let’s say, if during the last 5-6 months you’re more lethargic than usual, you don’t feel like doing anything, you’d rather stay home and do nothing – then talk to someone. 

Be that a friend or a therapist, just find someone to talk to. 

Remember, sadness is an emotion and emotions usually don’t last that long. 

There’s no shame in acknowledging your feelings and talking openly about them, so please, just talk to someone. We all need a little push from time to time and I promise you that you’ll feel better soon! 

Spot Your Emotional Baggage™. Don’t delay your chance to experience emotional release any further than today. from bernadette balla on Vimeo.