For a mama facing a miscarriage:

Your baby is real.

Maybe you got to see your baby — maybe not. No matter if you saw a heartbeat or not — your baby was real.

Your loss counts. You don’t have to compare your experience to anyone else’s to know that your pain, your grief, your suffering — all completely valid.

You don’t have to stay silent. You don’t have to share.

You get to do what you need in this moment to get through.

Maybe that means raising a village of support. I did, I needed that. Maybe it means cocooning and holding all your feelings close. I’ve done that too. There is no wrong in which you choose … as long as it is right for you, right in this moment.

Whoever you do tell, you deserve support. Sometimes that will come how you need it. Sometimes it will come in words and actions that are not what you need. You can take someone’s poor attempt at support, as hurtful as it may be, and say “I choose to recognize that you are doing your best. I also will not hold on to the words you used which were so hurtful. I release those words, and their emotional impact, and choose instead to hold tight to the thought that you tried.” You also have the right to protect your heart from unsafe people. You do not have to continually open yourself up to people who prove to be unsafe. Find the people who affirm you, affirm your baby, and affirm your loss.

There is no timeline.

When you had your loss, no one pushed a stop watch counting down till you need to stop grieving. Your grief will come when it comes. Let it come.

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At first, grief may feel like the enemy.

Making you remember, making you mourn, when maybe all you want is to forget you ever had hope to begin with. Let’s be real — grief feels horrible to walk through.

But grief is nothing if not loyal. In fact, grief may be your most loyal friend. She wants to make sure your baby is remembered, loved, cherished no matter how much time has passed. In time, grief’s presence may feel familiar, maybe even warm, as she prompts you to face the love and loss of a precious child.

Your grief will be unique.

My grief will not look like yours or Sally’s or Katie’s or Hannah’s. Your grief will not look like your partner’s. This does not mean anyone’s grief is wrong.

Miscarriage may be common. But don’t let anyone discount how very real, and very hurtful your miscarriage was just because it happens to many women.

Cancer is common, too, but I’ve never heard any woman say, “oh you were just diagnosed with breast cancer? Don’t worry, that is super common nowadays. A lot of women get through it just fine.” So let’s not use the “it’s common” excuse for a lack of support when it comes to pregnancy loss.

RELATED: Why Miscarriage Matters When You’re Pro-Life

One last thing … maybe you didn’t have a miscarriage.

Maybe you had an ectopic or stillbirth. Maybe you had to terminate for medical reasons. Maybe you had a molar pregnancy or premature live birth. Words matter. Labels matter. These experiences are all vastly different, even while we share the common loss of a baby. It’s ok to use the right words.

Miscarriage happens. It hurts. It’s devastating. And it’s largely shrouded in unnecessary shame.

It’s time we start talking about it.

If you are looking for support following a pregnacy or infant loss, join us at Brave Mamas: The Safest Place to Grieve Your Child.

The post For the mama facing a miscarriage … your loss is real. appeared first on The Lewis Note.