Over a long process during Covid times, I had decided to give up my teaching career. I still love the kids and my colleagues, but after 18 years, I can't deal with the hypocrisy, nepotism/cronyism, and general bullshittery of the school board and ministry. There's a lot to it, but I won't get into the details. Suffice it to say that the whole situation, plus the town where I live, has had a severely negative affect on my mental health. I've been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Despite the medication and (utterly useless) therapy, I still struggle with suicidal ideation at least a few times a month. Or week, as the case may be.

I had decided, therefore, to move once I had been fully vaccinated. I've had my first shot already, and it looks like I'll have my second before the end of July. I was already full of fear at the idea. I've tried to move before and failed. Teaching skills don't translate well to other jobs. Interviews give me full-on anxiety attacks. Living alone is not particularly safe for deaf people. I don't make friends easily due to massive trust issues. I'd literally be starting over all alone with little to no support at an age where single, childless women are dismissed. The list goes on.

Then it happened. I got a teaching contract until the end of the school year (June 25) a few weeks ago and I promised myself I wouldn't get "attached" to teaching again. It's happened before, where I've tried to move on, knowing the situation is incredibly unhealthy, then have taken a position and fell in love with the kids and teaching again. Being a SERT (Special Education Resource Teacher) is just... who I am. I don't know if I could possibly be anything else because I've never done anything else. Maybe I'll end up panhandling to survive. I told myself it's good money I could put into the move... but it would be so "easy" to stay, even though I know I'll never have a stable, permanent position.

Needless to say, I'm not in a good way. At work, my emotions get pushed down well enough (really well, if I'm being honest) that I can happily do my job. At every other moment where I haven't distracted myself with reading or knitting or something else, I'm in a weird state of terror and hopelessness. I just wish I didn't have to face the future alone.