For various reasons — PayPal paramount but not singular among them — my press, Republica, will no longer be operational after the end of this month. This is a loss to the world of independent publishing full stop, whether or not you're an erotica reader. I am deeply grateful to Emma and Aaron for giving me the opportunity they did.

Two years ago I was enrolled full-time in a doctoral program. Miserable, sick, and borderline suicidal, I took a leave of absence to try and gain some perspective on life. Academia has many things to recommend it to the thoughtful, secular, child-free woman, but work-life balance and joy of spirit are certainly not its strengths.

I discovered fandom. I started to write. I wrote a lot, especially in The Social Network fandom, in addition to some weird experimental work of my own. Through postings on AO3 and LiveJournal, I met Catherine Leary, one half of the now-defunct Freaky Fountain Press, who liked my work well enough to consider it fit for publication. She put me in touch with Republica, who were also very kind. A weird, highly explicit novella that I wrote made it out into the world. It was a proud moment for me, albeit not one I want to tell my mom or former cohort about.

A few people bought this little book. Many more did not. It was too obscene to be softcore erotica; it had both same and opposite sex encounters in it, scaring off M/M aficionados; the writing was too coarse and off-putting; the lack of a happy ending doomed it in romance circles. The same could be said for much of my fandom writing: I have a whole folder of hateful anonmeme comments that I read when I feel particularly self-flagellating, because I have issues.

I do not fit. My writing does not have a place, and after the end of this month, it will no longer have a home.

Perhaps it does not matter if anyone reads my scribbles. When I began reclaiming a voice that academia had stripped me of, the only thing that mattered was how good it felt. Tackling taboo subjects was never really the point. Being able to explore the stuff I cared about in a way that didn't require footnotes or IRB approval was.

Republica gave me a place to do this. They didn't care about happy endings or romance. In that I was lucky. I write what is dark in the human psyche; it doesn't necessarily need knifeplay to spill metaphoric blood. Sex is only the vehicle to derive insight into characters. It's never been endgame.

If you were to ask me, then as now, I would say that I don't even really write about sex. I write about power, the dynamics and drives of individuals, which inflect in different ways — in sex, in love, in friendship. Like, I just wrote a gangbang that owed more to Hegel than anything. Probably this is why I am painfully niche and will continue to be so. Thematically, I care about capitalism, growth, the realization of personal limitations and the value of finding one's place in the world. Also, blow jobs.

Thank you to Republica for giving me a home these last nine months. You will be sorely missed.

My book is available until the end of this month. After that, who knows.