Do you need better holiday grief support? Here are 6 signs that say YES, YOU DO

Unexpecting Interview with Rachel Whalen Hello world!

Do you need better holiday grief support? Here are 6 signs that say YES, YOU DO

When you’ve suffered a loss — good holiday grief support can be the difference between barely surviving the season — and finding meaningful moments of healing and remembrance. But good holiday grief support is not a given.

If you can resonate with any of the following signs, there’s a good chance you would benefit from some better, more intentional holiday grief support.

Do you need better holiday grief support? Here are 6 signs that say, Yes, you do.

1. A sense of dread creeps up every time you think of this upcoming season.

For many, the idea of the holidays brings a lot of mixed emotions: looking forward to fun traditions, anticipating decorating their homes with all the festive things from Homegoods, and playing Christmas music the moment it’s 12:01 am on Black Friday. Mixed in with all the anticipation can be anxiety around all the financial commitments, decision fatigue with all the people to buy for and plans to make, and low-level exhaustion from all the extra demands the holidays create.

However, as each day crawls closer to Thanksgiving and Christmas, your anxiety about facing the holidays without your loved one only increases. You only wish there were a way to fast forward to January 2.

2. You are missing a loved one but don’t know how to include them this year.

Holidays make a loss so stark. Even if everyone else appears determined to move on — you see the person who is missing everywhere: The name missing from your shopping list. The holiday card addressed to one-too-few people. The incomplete family photos. The empty chair at Thanksgiving. The stockings that should be hanging by the Christmas tree.

All the should-have-beens and would-have-beens are inescapable.

And yet, even with all the reminders, you are still unsure just how to include your loved one in your holiday season. Do you set a chair for them anyway? Light a candle? Speak about them to others? Or are you supposed to hold it all in (unless it’s to your therapist, naturally.) If the idea of trying to include them this year feels a little dizzying, you may want some personalized support helping you figure out how you can continue including your loved one in your memories, even if you can’t make any more memories with them again.

3. Nothing feels comforting about your usual traditions.

Holiday traditions provide structure, predictability, and opportunity for anticipation. And . . . in theory anyway . . . these traditions should bring you some comfort. But what happens when suddenly, your usual traditions feel anything *but* traditional without your loved one present? When the last thing you want is “Christmas as usual” because nothing feels usual about a holiday without your loved one?

Noticing that holiday rituals are falling short means it may be time to make some changes this year. Perhaps that means forgoing a tradition, modifying it, or starting a new one altogether in its place. Maybe it means brainstorming with someone else on ways you can switch up traditions to inject that little bit of comfort back into your holiday.

4. You would rather bury your head in the snow than navigate this much small talk.

Holidays often mean catching up with all the people you don’t normally see day-to-day. (Or at least, they did before a pandemic.) There’s the long-distance aunt who only flies in every few years. Your partner’s coworkers you chat with once a year at the work Christmas party. The cousins, crazy uncle, and great-grandparents all gathered together can make some interesting conversational dynamics. Then there are the people you’re used to seeing, such as your mom’s group gathered around a secret Santa gift exchange. And then strangers — so many strangers. Huge crowds in the stores and at restaurants. All the cashiers, baristas, Uber drivers, Doordash drivers, Amazon delivery people — all wishing you a “merry Christmas.”

Does the thought of navigating this much small talk make you want to just bury your head in the snow? If so, it may be helpful for you to find someone who can hold space for you this holiday season. Someone you can completely vent on. Someone who won’t look at you sideways when you admit you snapped at someone because they told you to just be grateful. Someone who gets what it’s like to hold this much grief, under this much pressure, for this long.

5. Decision fatigue has turned you into a Scrooge.

You may normally be the jolliest of Santas during the holidays — but this year have you feeling a lot like Scrooge. And the chaos of all the demands on your time and attention has you mumbling Bah Humbug. You may be feeling massive decision fatigue from managing the following:

Deciding which side of the family you’ll spend the holidays with.Making travel plans.Making a budget — then trying to stick to it. (And then making a second budget, because of course.)Picking outfits for your holiday pictures.Choosing, buying, and hiding all the stocking stuffers — then, of course, stuffing the stockings.Searching all the online and in-person sales to find the best deals.Picking coordinating wrapping paper, ribbon, tissue paper, and bags — and ensuring you have all the time, tape, and scissors to wrap all those presents clandestine-style.Deciding which meal you’ll be hosting, which recipes you’ll be fixing, and which food preferences/allergies you’ll need to accommodate. Grocery shopping. Then fixing said food — on time — coordinated so that all the food is hot at the same time.Designing and sending out holiday cards (or blog updates — or just one massive social media post).Picking out the Christmas tree — and then decorating it. Then undecorating it — and getting rid of the Christmas tree.Ensuring the leftovers get eaten or properly frozen.Returning all the items your family members didn’t want, or you opted not to give.This (incomplete) list alone should tell all of us we need better holiday grief support.

Here’s why all this mental energy may be dragging you down: You have a finite reserve of energy per day. And your mental, physical, and emotional energy all come from the same reserve. So if you are using a ton of mental and emotional energy navigating all these decisions — and the resulting emotions — your physical energy is going to massively be lacking. The fatigue is not just in your head — it is very real.*

If you’re trying to navigate all of this when you are having difficulty with executive functioning due to your grief — you may benefit from brainstorming with someone else which of these plans should take your priority and what you should let go of or simplify.

6. You are pretty sure that you will be swallowed up whole in the busyness of the season.

When you were a kid, it probably felt like the holiday season was made for you. But as an adult, you may wonder if you were made for the holiday season. With so many extra expectations — financial strains — the pressure to feel merry and create a magical experience for others — well, it’s just a lot.

Then you add in grief — the constant wondering of where you belong — feeling like you have half of your heart in heaven with your loved one and the other half here on earth — the fear that your loved one will someone be overlooked this season — and you may just wonder if you and your needs will be swallowed up whole.

You don’t have to come in last this Thanksgiving and Christmas. Your grief does not have to take a backseat. Not only can you include your loved one in whatever way makes the most sense to you — you get to say, “I matter too.” Because you do.

If any of these signs resonate with you, you need holiday grief support this season.

Here are a few ideas of how to get better support this year:

Schedule weekly or twice monthly appointments with your therapist.Listen to podcasts that educate you on grief and offer validation.Read grief books that can affirm and validate what you are experiencing. (I recommend starting with my book, Unexpecting: Real Talk on Pregnancy Loss. Even if you have not lost a baby, the grief principles and coping techniques will be the same regardless of your loss.)Ask your family for help — be specific in how they can support you this season. (If they need a primer, I recommend sending them this free Bonus Chapter: How to Support a Loved One Through Baby Loss.)Join a support group like Brave Mamas.Stay in communication with a safe person you can vent to.I am excited to announce I am personally available to help provide holiday grief support.

This year, I am launching an 8-week personalized grief coaching program. I will meet with you one-on-one for 30 minutes a week via Zoom, provide “homework” that will offer practical tools to help you navigate your loss this season, and offer you unlimited voice and text messaging.

If you would like more information about grief coaching, your next step is to fill out this questionnaire here. You can include if you would like a complimentary, 15-minute session to go over any questions you may have.

No matter how you get holiday grief support this year, what matters most is that you are supported in a way that feels right to you.

If you need permission to say, “I get to do this holiday season in the most gentle, compassionate, and considerate way” — consider this your permission slip.

You matter.Your loved one matters.Your loss matters. Your grief matters.

And all of these truths mean you deserve to have the absolute best holiday grief support this year. Wishing you as gentle of a season as possible.

Rachel

Tell me: What is one way you’ve incorporated your loved one into your holidays that has felt healing and helpful?