I’m as big a sucker for Christmas and the holidays as the next guy. Maybe even bigger. Just ask the neighbors in my apartment building here in Sydney—they’ll confirm I’ve been listening and singing along to carols since, like, August. (I’m surely the only Jew on the planet to do so.) Still, as much as l love getting caught up in the merriment and joy and love so prevalent this time of year, sometimes I can’t keep my criminal mind from wandering over to the dark side during the holiday season.

The good news is I’ve managed to curb my more sinister side enough to keep me from writing an entire novel featuring Christmastime crime and murder. The bad news is I couldn’t stop myself from taking a beloved Christmas carol and turning it into a tale of thievery and revenge.

I’m sorry and you’re welcome.

 

Santa Claus Is Robbing the Town

You better watch out

You better not snitch

The last guy who did is dead in a ditch

Santa Claus is robbing the town

 

He’s making a list

He’s checking it twice

He’s pulling off one huge holiday heist

Santa Claus is robbing the town

 

He sees you when you’re sleeping

And he knows when you’re awake

He’s pissed you don’t believe in him

So your life is now at stake

Hey!

 

You better watch out

You better not try

To call the damn cops or you’re gonna die

Santa Claus is robbing the town

 

He sees you when you’re sleeping

And he knows when you’re awake

He says if you stand in his way

He’ll bury you by the lake.

Yay!

 

You better watch out

You better give thanks

Santa just came to rob houses and banks

Santa Claus is robbing the town!

 

B O N U S C A R O L !

(I had planned on writing/posting just one cri-fi carol, but hey, Christmas is a time for giving…  readers serious concerns about my mental stability.)

 

Frosty the Hitman

Frosty the hitman

Was a deadly, icy pro

With his chilly name and his killer aim

Frosty made a lot of dough

 

Frosty the hitman

Is a fairytale they say

But I know the truth—damn the man could shoot

And he’d take your life for pay

 

There must have been some magic in that rifle scope he used

For even from 500 yards every bullet would come through

Oh!

 

Frosty the hitman

Knew the Feds were on his tail

So he took his gun and went on the run

Cause he knew he’d melt in jail

 

Frosty the hitman

Had a blast while off he sped

But the cops were fast and they shot his ass

Frosty’s snow could not stop lead.

 

 

HAP P Y H O L I D A Y S T O A L L, A N D T O A L L

A G O O D H E I S T !

 

*No beloved giant elves or snowmen were harmed in the making of these carols