In contrast to permanent narratives, the stories of your life are always being rewritten. As you seek to explain to yourself and others how you got to be the person you are, the delicate threads of causation are rewoven and reinterpreted. While listening to my clients’ recollections of their past, I am struck by the manner in which people make the connection between what they experienced as children and who they are now.

Thus, what is your personal past due? Certainly, these memories have an impact on you, and you must learn from them if you are to avoid making the same mistakes over and over again, which can make you feel imprisoned in a long-running drama of your own creation. In order to achieve this, it is vital to listen to the patient’s tale without interrupting it throughout the earliest phases of psychotherapy. Not only are the events themselves contained inside those memories, but so too is the significance that those experiences have for the individual who has experienced them. The fact that the narrative is being told by someone who is worried, unhappy, or otherwise unsatisfied with his or her existence increases the likelihood that one may hear about grievances and traumas that are apparently tied to current misery.

Every American has been exposed by now to pop psychology that promotes the idea of linking past problems to current symptoms. Because accepting responsibility for what you do and how you feel requires a deliberate act of will, it is tempting to place blame on people from your past, particularly your parents, for failing to provide a better education or upbringing.

Recognizing and processing major physical, sexual, or psychological trauma is critical for the individual who has suffered from it. The effects of parental abuse and neglect are irreversible in the lives of children. This assessment must be approached sensitively, with an emphasis on learning rather than on the idea that even the most traumatic experiences will define your life for the rest of your days and years to come.

In essence, most of your early traumas are no longer valid. It’s time to heal.