Okay, so there's a building site by our house (a new Leisure Centre). We're a little worried they might get carried away and bulldoze our house (step in Arthur Dent and your towel). Anyone who knows Streatham will tell you that it's as dirty as Paris after a sand storm – as much as I also love it of course. However, the posters surrounding the site show a computerised version of what the structure will look like once it has been completed.

Although the building looks impressive and contains an ice rink, 5 tennis courts, a pool and many modern-day wonders (apparently even a vending machine that doesn't mug you and leave your hard-earned Twix dangling on its gripper), the building also promises to make the entire street clean and bring out the sun. Do they think that people will say, "I was going to drop my half-empty can of liver killer but that building has touched me in ways my wife couldn't, so I will instead place my can in the bin that's obviously off shot, clean myself up, wear a suit and become one of the very few people using the facilities in the pictures. And what's with the sun? Is it a 'build it and it will come' scenario?

There are pictures of a couple of people enjoying a light swim or a game of tennis. In truth, I'd imagine that the water would be yellow from urine, the receptionist would be smoking crack and two youths would be whacking a third to death on the floor with their tennis rackets.

What's the most impressive part is that the church next door seems to have been polished up in these pictures too.  Undoubtedly God couldn't quite do it but they will. There's not even a bus driver peeing on its wall (I swear that I have actually encountered this – it was next door to the bus terminus as well, not sure why their staff have no toilets. Unless this guy has some weird, anti-protestant fetish). Let's see how it turns out. I'm hopeful that it will be a great investment, however, playing 'leg-it-home before someone steals your pizza' provides all the exercise I need for now.