I recall a time when fathers were highly regarded and respected. I was immersed in a family and a community where kids had a father in the home. Generally, most of these men held places of honor in their churches, neighborhoods and homes. I remember when I, one of my cousins, or friends spent the night at each other’s homes, it was understood that you did not test the patience, presence or authority of the man of the house.

My father raised me and my brother. He teased, taught, nurtured, mentored, molded and shaped us. He did not have the template of a father growing up. Nevertheless, he learned to be one. He is an imperfect, strong-willed man who always provided for his family. He was born in 1940. Dad is a product of what we know to be the Silent Generation (1928–1945) and Baby Boomers (1946–1964). He has experienced and endured the hardships of Jim Crow. He is a veteran of the United States Marines. He has navigated the gauntlets of marriage, parenting, divorce, remarriage and being a widower.

As he nears his 80th birthday, Dad is experiencing the onset of advanced aging. However, he has not lost his vigor. He remains an intimidating presence. He abhors nonsense and has no patience for people who make excuses. He is a principled person who remains resolute about his stances politically. He believes there is no substitute for hard work, and being just toward others. He lives by his convictions which places him at odds with people he knows well. When differences with others become irreconcilable, he is not afraid to acknowledge it as untenable. He “speaks his peace”, and moves on. Dad is a man who learns from his circumstances. He endures what life throws at him. Even when my brother and I disagree with our father’s decisions, we never have reason to question his motives to do what is right and honorable.

Dad has a side to his personality that is rarely seen. He loves unconditionally. He has become increasingly generous with his time, wisdom and finances. My brother and I have witnessed this growth, and his openness to let go of the offenses others have committed against him. He demonstrates a willingness to forgive and remains receptive to the prospect of reconciliation. Our knowledge of his personal struggles, conflicts and goodness has prepared us to be men who can successfully navigate life’s challenges. According to him, “You have to learn how to roll with the punches.”

In his article, “Mama’s Boy: There are some things you just can’t teach your son”, Jazz Keys wrote:

[T]he unavailability of a father also means that young Black men move about in this world without knowing how to express their rage and pain constructively, how to command respect with their presence, or how to stand firmly against oppression and racism. Our father taught us becoming a man is a process. You will fall short on your journey. You may hurt those you love. You will learn to persevere, apologize, forgive and reconcile.

Dad constantly challenged me and my brother to be good students and better citizens. The people he admires include Martin Luther King, Jr., Presidents John F. Kennedy and Barack Obama, Muhammad Ali, Jim Brown, and Congressman John Lewis. Once, he issued a challenge by reminding me of the difference between my and Martin Luther King, Jr.’s capacity to love and forgive others unconditionally who wronged him. I told him “I don’t know if I can forgive all that . . . .” He quickly interrupted and said, “That’s the difference between him and you.”

My brother and I speak frequently. We discovered we are routinely asked why we don’t get angry about the racial injustices we see or experience. People assume we are not bothered by it or are somehow immune. To the contrary, we experience hurt, anger and frustration. We learned from our father not to allow our emotions to dictate how we respond or make decisions. We learn to listen twice as much as we speak. Through our father’s example we learned to strategically measure our responses to unpleasant situations. He would say, “If you have nothing to say, say nothing at all.” Don’t be afraid to be silent, listen and objectively reflect on the circumstances of a situation. Dad taught and showed us the importance of relying on our intellect, not our emotions, and certainly not violence, when faced with conflict or tumultuous moments. He was hard on us and only let up when he saw in us what he expected. It is from him we derive our manhood.

Dad taught us being a man is never about how much money you make, the style of clothes you wear, the car you drive or the house you own. Being a man is about putting the needs of others before yourself. Being a man is about making and keeping your commitments and not making excuses. Being a man requires self-reflection and an evaluation of oneself. Being a man is about fostering and investing in the dreams and visions of your loved ones. Finally, being a man is also about “working” to love those who hate you.

Dad has never been a big talker. He does not boast or brag about his accomplishments. He has always been and remains a man of action. He does not expect or wait for someone to do something for him. Although I wish he did, he rarely asks for help. It is not the way he is wired. Yet, he is ready, willing and able to help others. He has a brilliance and intelligence I have always admired. He has the uncanny ability to teach himself and learn skills that leave people in awe of his work-product.

Our father set and lived by a standard we were expected to follow. His life resembles an imperfect man’s pursuit of perfection. He expected a lot of him self. Thus, he could be critical of the people around him. We came to realize his critique of us was his way to make sure we remained grounded and humble. Even today it is a tough standard to live up to-a heavy burden to carry. Yet, it was Dad’s standards and view of the world that equipped me and my brother Terrance to navigate uncertain times, discern truth and take difficult and unpopular positions in our respective lives. We are not deterred by what we see and what we hear. We are not bound by fear. We have the dignity, strength and conviction gifted to us by our father. It is the gift we remain committed to pass on to our progeny.

Following the 2016 Presidential election, my daughter expressed concern and anxiety related to the outcome. The gist of my response was:

The outcome of this or any election does not change your life’s purpose. Focus on doing what you can do to positively impact the world within your sphere of influence. You cannot control how others will behave. However, you can control how you respond to it.

As dad would say ,“You’ve got to learn to roll with the punches.” It would shock some people to know our father bestowed a gift to us in the form of tough discipline, harsh and blunt words, and sarcasm that may appear cold and lack empathy. It did. However, a deeper look reveals it was all by design to prepare his sons to face what life would throw at us. In short, our father’s gift appears to be the gift that keeps on giving.

Happy 80th birthday Dad