The Grandpets
So I am 48 years old, the proud mother of three daughters, and the grandmother of zero grandchildren. Grandpets, on the other hand, I have coming out the wazoo.
Brittany, my oldest, is the proud mother of two cats, Amos and Brady. Brady is named after Tom Brady. He’s a cute cat, but not that cute. And he’s the size of a small shed. When Brady jumps onto your lap for a little lovin’, you know it.
Amos is a female. Her ‘daddy’, Brittany’s boyfriend, is named Andy. ‘Amos and Andy’. And I know that you younger readers won’t get that reference, but trust me … it’s cute. I like Amos. She’s a pretty chill cat.
Daughter number two, otherwise known as Sam, is the proud mother of a cat and a dog. Sam is currently living with us, and therefore, so are her pets. I have two cats of my own. This house is a freakin’ zoo.
Sam’s cat is named ‘Cake’. Why ‘Cake’? Sam likes to eat cake, and she loves the band ‘Cake’ … so why not? As cats go, Cake is spoiled rotten. There is no doubt in her little feline mind that she is the ruler of all the earth, and that whatever house she resides in is her castle. That would make the rest of the members of this household her peasants, and that includes my two cats. My cats take umbrage to her unsubstantiated claim of royalty. The end result? Incessant cat fights. And, as my boyfriend points out, not the good kind.
Sam’s dog is a 70 pound Plott Hound by the name of Barkley. Sam adopted Barkley when he was about two-years-old, and he is an absolute sweetheart. Loves everyone and everything. He also loves to eat. He’s never eaten a living thing, but as for inanimate objects … nothing is sacred. I could go on and on about the things he’s eaten, but one story stands above the rest. One day I took my pal Barkley out to do his business. He had recently eaten two pies (see picture above) and half a dozen pencils, so I was carefully watching his poo to make sure that everything was coming out all right. So he squats, does his thing, and then goes about his business. I’m checking out the poo, and it’s very strange. There is a lump of something white in there. What the hell is that? Now I’m poking it with a stick, wondering if it is some sort of obese worm that I should be worried about. And then I see the string. Yup. Barkley ate a box of tampons. For the next few days there were tampon-poos all over the yard.
Daughter number three is Danielle. Danielle has only one pet, a six-pound Maltese named ‘Kenny’. Kenny is the epitome of cute. White and fluffy and slightly cross-eyed. Unfortunately, Kenny also has a bad case of ‘little man syndrome’. He barks at and attacks anyone and everyone. He simply cannot be convinced that even a small child could simply step on him and squash him like a bug. But Kenny, as is the case with all of my grandpets, loves his Grammy. That would be me. And I, as is the case with all of my grandpets, love him.
I find that in my eyes, my grandpets can do no wrong. They are all highly intelligent, extremely attractive, and their misdeeds are simply misguided attempts to gain attention. Their every wish is granted. Punishment is frowned upon. When their parents are cruel enough to try to convince them to behave, they know they can come to Grammy and she will set their parents straight.
Oh, I cannot wait to have grandchildren!
Brittany, my oldest, is the proud mother of two cats, Amos and Brady. Brady is named after Tom Brady. He’s a cute cat, but not that cute. And he’s the size of a small shed. When Brady jumps onto your lap for a little lovin’, you know it.
Amos is a female. Her ‘daddy’, Brittany’s boyfriend, is named Andy. ‘Amos and Andy’. And I know that you younger readers won’t get that reference, but trust me … it’s cute. I like Amos. She’s a pretty chill cat.
Daughter number two, otherwise known as Sam, is the proud mother of a cat and a dog. Sam is currently living with us, and therefore, so are her pets. I have two cats of my own. This house is a freakin’ zoo.
Sam’s cat is named ‘Cake’. Why ‘Cake’? Sam likes to eat cake, and she loves the band ‘Cake’ … so why not? As cats go, Cake is spoiled rotten. There is no doubt in her little feline mind that she is the ruler of all the earth, and that whatever house she resides in is her castle. That would make the rest of the members of this household her peasants, and that includes my two cats. My cats take umbrage to her unsubstantiated claim of royalty. The end result? Incessant cat fights. And, as my boyfriend points out, not the good kind.
Sam’s dog is a 70 pound Plott Hound by the name of Barkley. Sam adopted Barkley when he was about two-years-old, and he is an absolute sweetheart. Loves everyone and everything. He also loves to eat. He’s never eaten a living thing, but as for inanimate objects … nothing is sacred. I could go on and on about the things he’s eaten, but one story stands above the rest. One day I took my pal Barkley out to do his business. He had recently eaten two pies (see picture above) and half a dozen pencils, so I was carefully watching his poo to make sure that everything was coming out all right. So he squats, does his thing, and then goes about his business. I’m checking out the poo, and it’s very strange. There is a lump of something white in there. What the hell is that? Now I’m poking it with a stick, wondering if it is some sort of obese worm that I should be worried about. And then I see the string. Yup. Barkley ate a box of tampons. For the next few days there were tampon-poos all over the yard.
Daughter number three is Danielle. Danielle has only one pet, a six-pound Maltese named ‘Kenny’. Kenny is the epitome of cute. White and fluffy and slightly cross-eyed. Unfortunately, Kenny also has a bad case of ‘little man syndrome’. He barks at and attacks anyone and everyone. He simply cannot be convinced that even a small child could simply step on him and squash him like a bug. But Kenny, as is the case with all of my grandpets, loves his Grammy. That would be me. And I, as is the case with all of my grandpets, love him.
I find that in my eyes, my grandpets can do no wrong. They are all highly intelligent, extremely attractive, and their misdeeds are simply misguided attempts to gain attention. Their every wish is granted. Punishment is frowned upon. When their parents are cruel enough to try to convince them to behave, they know they can come to Grammy and she will set their parents straight.
Oh, I cannot wait to have grandchildren!
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