Is What You're Eating Giving You Stress?

One of the problems of having a mother who reads the newspaper is that she calls you to give you a distilled report of current events. Since she's in her later years (she still will not allow me to tell anyone her age), most of her concerns focus on food and the elimination thereof.

"Jean, did you see the report about the pink slime? That's a meat product that looks like worms. The manufacturing plants who make it are shutting down. It's disgusting. If I had known they were putting ammonia in my meat, I never would have eaten all those baloney sandwiches."

"Mom, they are not serving pink slime at Friendly Arms. I agree it's gross, but stick to fish and chicken and you'll be safe." I am in a huge hurry because I have a client who's worried the health plan coverage he has for his facility will require him to ask women what they're using birth control for. It's a crazy state.

"No, I don't even want to go to the dining room anymore.. It can be disguised as anything. It's worse than Spam."

"Mom, you gave me Spam sandwiches as a kid. I lived."

"Yes, and look how you turned out."

"Mom, stop stressing about it and eat some chocolate. It'll relax you. a new study was released that says a dark chocolate square that's rich in antioxidants can fight inflammation, lower blood pressure and improve your artery flow."

"I'll get fat if I do that. Your father always loved my girlish figure."

"Mom, eat a small amount. It'll improve your attitude. You won't even think about pink slime anymore. Plus, research says chocolate can help you lose weight."

"That's impressive. I always need to lose a few pounds. You're right. When can you take me chocolate shopping?"

"As soon as I help Glee research how to get herself declared indigent in Brazil so she can get free plastic surgery."