I’m writing to you from an airport. My first plane trip in more than two years- I’m on my way to the first retreat in more than two years, and to see knitters and teach and see Debbi and Judith for the first time in two years and I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you I’m so happy and nervous and excited and worried that it almost negates the exhaustion I feel from having to get up at 3:30am to come here. I tried to write this post yesterday – because yesterday was my Birthday but it turns out that I am having a weird problem with hope and I spent most of my time yesterday rushing around getting ready to leave because I’d put off packing like some weirdo who can’t read a calendar. It’s a theme right now.

Have I told you Meg is expecting again? I don’t think I have, and that says something, doesn’t it? It isn’t that I am not happy about it – I’m beyond delighted. A new grand baby on the way? The old Steph would have been thrilled, started knitting like mad, ordered a ton of yarn (ok I did do that part) and essentially doubled down on being all in. The new Steph (who is ironically an older Steph) is thrilled but has grown a calm but insistent voice, one that quietly leans over and gently whispers “maybe”. It is the voice of my inner Steph, the one that’s been disappointed so many times over the last while, and now hears about plans and good news and babies and retreats and bike rallies and hedges her bets, qualifies her hopes, keeps dreams a little tethered and makes sure all ideas are properly shored up with that cautious “maybe” to make sure I’m not signing up for any unnecessary heartbreak. I am enjoying the idea of a new grandchild, and whatever time we get to know they exist, but in absolutely no way am I capable of counting any grandchickens before they’ve been hatched for a while.

This “maybe” problem has leaked into a few other things – like the problem with my Birthday yesterday. I didn’t avoid packing because I’m a procrastinator (although I’ve often said that I do work well under pressure, and will often put things off a bit to create that pressure) it was because whether I acknowledged it or not, after so many cancelled retreats and postponed retreats and problems and surprises and really- two years? That “maybe” voice just kept telling me to bide my time. It’s not a pessimistic voice – it’s a realist. “Why” it asks “Why waste your time packing for a trip that’s not a definite thing? Why not wait and see?”

To me that sounds really smart, I mean the voice isn’t wrong, and the whole thing makes loads of sense until suddenly it’s the day I’m leaving and nothing bad has happened and whammo, here I am spending my birthday organizing underwear, pants I haven’t worn in two years, and trying to remember how airports work. (They are almost the same, by the way, in case it comes up.) I busted a move all day still managed to have a short dinner in the back garden with family and friends and Elliot and I made time for the splash pad even, so it’s not like it was a total disaster – but it was instructive. Obviously I’ve done a good job learning the lessons the last few years have offered, whether they’re totally helpful or not.

As I packed, I thought about the Bike Rally. The first year of the pandemic the whole rally was virtual but we had a little family socially distanced really anxious rally, then last year I thought there would be a rally and there was the abbreviated little version instead, and this year – well this year there’s a full rally. Six days of cycling- more than 600km (about 375miles, for my American friends) from Toronto to Montreal in support of PWA (People with Aids Foundation) and two other ASOs. (An ASO is an Aids Service Organization) and I am signed up and so are Cam and Ken and Pato and together we’re this year’s Team Knit. By now we should be doing a lot of two things. Riding, and fundraising.

I’ve neglected both. I’ve been riding my bike a few times each week – between 40 and 60 kilometres each time, but truthfully there’s been more 40s than 60s and I really, really should be heading out to the formal organized rides – but they are hard to get to without the subway and I’ve been trying not to get Covid so I can do this retreat and not give it to Meg and . I finally got out for an official training ride the other day and to be completely honest I rode the whole 80km and then cried the last five home because I had my arse so completely handed to me. Even if the Rally is a “maybe” somewhere in my mind it needs to become a “definitely” in terms of training or things are going to be seriously, desperately ugly out there, but at least if I screw up training that only hurts me – the fundraising needs to be where this team gets it together, and soon.

Usually by now Team knit has things well underway, with every member headed for meeting their goals and we’re nowhere near that now and it’s because all of us are a little leery, holding back a little bit, trying to get our heads back in the game, and that’s a jerk move because here we all moving slowly towards getting our scenes together while time is short and the need is great.

I had a whole thing I was going to say here. I was going to talk about how the Covid pandemic has compounded the HIV/AIDS epidemic, but you know that. I was going to talk about how far from over the crisis is, how things got worse, not better over the last two years. About how in 2020 a child was infected with HIV every two minutes, globally. About how all the things that Covid made worse, poverty, inequality, unemployment, fragile employment, food insecurity, access to health care, mental illness…on and on and on- those things all make people vulnerable and make it hard for them to help themselves and make it almost impossible to deliver services when they can’t help themselves and make the need for agencies like PWA greater, and make it harder and more expensive to deliver those services and I was going to tell you a lot of stuff.. but I think you know, and want to do things about and there’s no maybe about that. You, my dear knitters have never been a “maybe” on the Sign-me-up to help list. You are a definitely, you just need to know how to help. So here we are.

We got together yesterday, your little Team Knit, and because it was my birthday we got ourselves a bubbly drink, and we made every effort to move our tired and nervous hearts from Maybe to Definitely so we can get this thing done. Team Knit this year is:

Me

Ken

Cameron

Pato

We would really like your help, for all the reasons that you know already, because it’s time to try and have a little hope, and because sometimes you really have to make it yourself. All donations to the cause are welcome, and please remember that fundraising works just like knitting – every stitch is important, every dollar is important and it all works together to make something wonderful- one little bit at a time. If you’d ever wished you could get me a Birthday present? Moving Team Knit to the finish line is all I want.

Finally, as a gift from me to you – Bonus picture with Elliot getting us all to pretend to be dinosaurs. I know that’s really the content you’re here for anyway.

No. We don’t know what kind we are. Cam and Ellie were the only two of us with a really clear vision on this one.