In the online world, it’s common for anyone to declare with absolute certainty any predictions and speculation they wish with little or no supporting facts or expertise. Of course, these prognostications are largely ignored since everyone else is busy screaming their own opinions. In the echo of this noise, I thought it was time to offer Duh Future, Bubba’s Pointless Predictions, based on a complete absence of any facts, knowledge, insight or intelligence. You’re welcome.

22nd Century:

I’m not going to sugar-coat this. It’s bleak. At least, it is for the survivors. By the dawn of the century, human communications are reduced to monosyllabic grunts and emojis. Within a few decades, once the radioactive clouds dissipated, those who remain are more interested in finding food that doesn’t glow than in having a meaningful discussion. There are some positive features. Without a civilization, there are no more political ads or talk shows. Traffic is non-existent, along with working vehicles. It turns out that caves are quite nice places to live and nobody minds if you draw on the walls.

23rd – 25th Centuries:

We’ll call this period a “rebuilding age”. Things get a little testy as people emerge out from under the rocks and discover that no one has built a decent coffee shop while they were away. Of course, no one is very sure what coffee is, since it’s been a myth for hundreds of years, but legends say everyone is entitled to a highly customized version at ridiculous prices. A new group steps forward to guide what’s left of humanity. They call themselves, “Historians.” While they’re not certain exactly what that means, they’re pretty sure it involves spreading wild guesses about the past and securing a mystical source of power known as “tenure.”

26th Century:

The worst thing about new civilizations is the realization that your world is infested with other people. No longer content to hurl insulting pictographs and memes, humans discover to their amazement that there is a difference between disagreeing with someone and actual physical violence. This exciting discovery leads to a whole new world of tribalism, warfare and dodgeball. It’s not all good times, however. Towards the end of the century, a dark and insidious force from the ancient world arises. The people speak of it in hushed tones. Politics.

27th Century:

In an unexpected turn of events, Urgl the Philosopher presents a revolutionary political theory. Using the lessons learned from Historians of the Dork Ages (the period just prior to the collapse of civilization), Urgl said that rather than being led by politicians, humanity would be no worse off being led by items of food. One nation could have a head of lettuce as a sovereign, while another might serve a bowl of soup. Urgl’s philosophy is adopted around the inhabitable portions of the world, paving the way for a new golden age.

28th Century:

Unfortunately, humanity’s final Golden Age comes to a screeching halt with the rediscovery of an ancient technology. The return of Social Networking is the trigger that prompts the Turlaxians from the Gnel%9ick Stellar Empire to intervene. Unwilling to stand by and watch humanity inflict this nightmare on the cosmos a second time, the Turlaxians scoop up the human race by offering free donuts and Wi-Fi. Humans are stored in sealed domes on Hurgn0!6 where visiting aliens from across the galaxy come to stare at them and tap on the glass. There’s a brief period of time where some attempt to keep human beings as pets, but they soon discover that people simply cannot be trained or suitably housebroken. For the Turlaxians, keeping humanity in a zoo has provided an additional benefit. Once considered the laughingstock of the galaxy, the Turlaxians are no longer considered the dumbest species in the universe.

There you have it. This prediction may not be completely (or partially) accurate. I may have been overly optimistic.