A: I’ve been working on something new.
B: And that affects me how?
A: I just want to read you a little bit of it. It’s really good.
B: What is it?
A: A short story.
B: What’s it about?
A: Blowing the lid off Die Hard.
B: Die Hard, the movie?
A: Yes. I haven’t read the book yet, so it’s based on the movie.
B: Um, okay. I’ve got a few minutes to spare while I finish my coffee. Shoot.
A: *clears throat* “There is something sinister in Die Hard that many people miss. Yes, sure, it’s a classic of the action movie genre, some would argue a Christmas classic. But it is also full of contradictions. Yes, it has great special effects and battle choreography. But let’s talk about the elephant in the room: Hans Gruber.”
B: I’m confused. Is this a story or a review?
A: It’s a story. The narrator is a character, you’ll see. “Hans Gruber is ostensibly a German. The best evidence of this is that he has a German name. He was also a member of a German terrorist group before being kicked out for being too extreme. But here’s the elephant in the room: Hans Gruber’s accent. Most of the time he talks British, but then he also impersonates an American very convincingly, tricking Bruce Willis into thinking he’s an American. But we never hear him talk English with a German accent, which is what most Germans do.”
B: Is there a story here?
A: Be patient. “My Uncle Fritz was also a German. He helped me join the force. I am a police officer just like Bruce Willis. My Uncle Fritz has a German accent when he speaks German, unlike Hans Gruber. This has led me to a radical new theory: Hans Gruber is not a real person at all. He’s a character being played by famous English actor Alan Rickman.”
B: Um, what the hell does this mean? Of course he’s a character being played by Alan Rickman.
A: It’s meta.
B: How is it meta?
A: The narrator lives in the universe where Die Hard takes place. He’s figuring out that it’s all movie.
B: But he literally just said Die Hard was a movie, so it would have to be a movie in whatever universe he’s in, right?
A: It’s double meta.
B: I think you need to think this through a little more.
A: Hold your horses, it’s building up. “I used my police knowledge to track down Alan Rickman and I asked him, ‘Did you play Hans Gruber in Die Hard?’ He said, ‘That question is absurd. We are in the universe that Die Hard took place in.’ But I could tell he was hiding something. ‘You were in Galaxy Quest, weren’t you?’ He said, “Of course I was. Everyone knows I was in that movie. It won twenty-four Academy Awards and several British Globes as well. It is one of the most well-received science fiction franchises in our universe.’ Then I had him. ‘Mr. Rickman, that film also takes place in the universe where Die Hard is set.’”
B: What the hell? How is there even a connection there?
A: Oh, you’ll see in chapter twenty.
B: Also what’s with all these dated references.
A: Dated in what way?
B: In the “specific to era” meaning of dated, not in the sense of “took out for a romantic meal.”
A: Oh, well what year do you think they think this story is taking place in?
B: Your story?
A: No, our story. This conversation.
B: What year does who think this is taking place in?
A: The readers.
B: Well, I’m going to assume that since there haven’t been any clear indicators of the year, they assume is it more or less present day.
A: Right, and it is present day. This is 2001, two years after the biggest action sci-fi comedy of all time, Galaxy Quest, was released.
B: Well yes, of course I know that.
A: You know that, but perhaps they did not. Now it is clear and that puts my story in context.
B: I’m not clear what additional context was provided.
A: The first Harry Potter film hasn’t been released yet, so that would explain why that’s not the touchstone I’m using to identify Rickman.
B: Good point. I’m almost done my coffee. Any last thoughts?
A: What if my story, in addition to being a Die Hard exposé, was also a prequel to Braveheart?
B: Annnnnd, I’m done my coffee. Back to work.