Artemis I Has A Stowaway - Day 12
November 27th, 2022
Zero gravity sounds like a lot of fun. But it’s also weird. For example, try celebrating in zero-g. You can’t jump up and down. You can’t run around the room. Most satisfying thing is a kind of twisty half-dancing thing. Anyways, I’m doing that in the commander’s chair of Orion as the computer finishes booting up and doesn’t immediately crash.
The same error message with instructions pops up again, but I’m not paying that much attention.
Now I get that no one likes to eat humble pie, but is NASA seriously so raw about needing my help that they are not going to immediately call and congratulate me on getting Orion fixed?
Surely automated systems onboard are connecting to NASA’s systems and sending them mountains of data about the ship’s current status. Surely…
I try the radio. No answer.
Orion wasn’t designed to have its computer crash - twice. Could the computer be damaged? I spend a minute clicking my tongue, then look a little more closely at NASA’s message to me.
“Error: Comms Frequency Format”, is the dialogue box’s header.
“Freq. Invalid: Alex:Faulty_ARC-5sensor_must_be_disconnected>>EVA>PANEL17>CABL_BUNDL3>CUT_GOLD+RED_WIRE>RESTART”.
Is it possible that NASA managed to update the communication’s system’s frequency to a text string to generate an error message on reboot, and now I’ve got a radio that’s forgotten what frequency it should be on?
Back to my old friend, the emergency procedures manual. Radio - loss of signal. Fortunately, there is actually a segment of the console that looks specialized for radio controls and it’s nice and easy to find all the buttons I’m looking to mash.
I’m making pretty good progress. Good moment for a break. Mostly I’ve been taking breaks to eat when shit is going wrong, and it would be nice to see what it’s like to eat breakfast without the fear of impending doom.
When I get back to Earth I’m never eating a chocolate bar again. They do almost nothing to satisfy hunger.
While I eat, I look at my toes. They swelled up overnight. They basically look like pink/purple balloons at this point, and four toe nails have popped right off. But the good news is that if I try to move them, they hurt more. I think that means the muscles are doing something. Up, and down, both ways hurt. That’s good right?
I wonder what Jess is doing right now? Probably yoga. Why is yoga so much more popular with women than men? Shouldn’t it be a 50/50 thing and stretching feels good to everyone? Actually, how do I know more women than men do yoga? It’s just a guess but none of my male friends have ever asked me to come to the yoga studio with them.
Alright, back to work.
Item 74 on the radio checklist. “Settings > Frequency > Frequency/Encryption > Verify frequency and ACS-1024 encryption enabled”.
The sub-menu opens up easily enough and there is a dialogue box with “ACS-1024”. But then there’s another field, “frequency”, and it says: Alex:Faulty_ARC-5sensor_must_be_disconnected>>EVA>PANEL17>CABL_BUNDL3>CUT_GOLD+RED_WIRE>RESTART”. Well, that’s your problem right there.
You want to know the funniest thing about engineers? Part of our job is to write the documentation for our design work. You know how many essays you need to write to get a degree in aerospace engineering? Zero. You know how may essays you need to write to get a masters in engineering? Zero. You know how many essays you need to write to get a PHD in engineering? One, if you consider a few sentences joining pages and pages of equations, as an “essay”. Point is, you can get through a PHD level engineering program writing fewer sentences than are in the college’s orientation pamphlet. Then you get out into the world, start working, and one of your jobs is to document the heck out of your work.
Someone on the radio’s engineering team either forgot to actually include the frequency I’m supposed to be checking, or just figured every astronaut would have it memorized the same way I know pi to eight digits.
But there is supposed to be a number in that field, and instead it’s instructions.
I tap the blank field and a keypad pops up. It is pretty standard and has a decimal place marker. ‘1,000.0’ the computer accepts that number. ‘1,000.00’ the computer rejects that number. ‘10,000’? Nope. Ok. Progress. ‘80.0’? Rejected.
It takes about a half hour of trail and error but the computer is willing to accept values between 200.0 and 1,800.0. Which means there are only 16,000 possible numbers I could plug in.
If each number takes one minute then it would take 11 days, without sleep or distraction (and I get distracted), to cycle through them all. I’ll be out of air by then, or food, or water, or something else I need to live.
I start at 1,000.0. Why build something with a 1600 demarcation range if you’re going to be at the very top or bottom of it?
Five hours later and I’m up to 1,050.0. I’m going to die because engineers suck at writing. Typical.
When confronted with an absurd task it’s always a good idea to take a step back and ask if you’ve forgotten something, and I had. I forgot the power of nerds. Unforgivable.
Encryption > Off. Frequency > 1,200.0
“Hey! Anyone receiving this!”
Nope. 1,199.8. “Hey! Anyone receiving this? I need some help here.”
Nope. 1,198.6. “Hey! Anyone out there? This is Alex Whelm and I need help!”
Didn’t even make it to 1,180 before I hit pay dirt.
“This is Dallas ATC, please get off this channel.”
Air traffic control in Tampa was even ruder and let me know the FCC was going to be getting a call about my antics. But I guess it was a slow airplane day in Toledo because after the typical ‘stop bothering us’ they came back with a real question: “What’s going on?”
So, I explained it.
“Bull.”
Reality check time. No one was going to believe me. But, do I need them to believe me?
1,186.4. “My name is Alex Whelm, I stowed away aboard Artemis I and the ship suffered a computer failure. I’m trying to find NASA’s frequency but am just scrolling down in 0.2 increments right now. Every hour, on the hour, I’m going to check 800.0 for anything from NASA.”
1,186.2. Same. On the hour I click over to 800.0. “Anyone there?”
“KRC-5 to Alex Whelm - is this a joke? Over”
“No joke KRC-5. I get that you don’t want to call NASA because this really must seem like a prank. But just tweet at them or tag them on Instagram or something, let them know that there is some crazy guy claiming to be Alex Whelm gumming up the radio spectrum trying to find them and that I’ll be at 800.0 on the hour every hour till I find them.”
“KRC-5 to Alex - you’re going to get in a lot of trouble for this you know. Over.”
“We’ll just have to see about that, won’t we. See you in an hour KRC-5.”
I cycle through another thirty calls before the hour’s up. By the time I get back 800.0 is so crowded I can barely hear anyone. They very kindly explain to me I should be using proper radio slang which I guess I knew from movies but on a crowded channel it’s important.
Everyone’s curious. NASA had wanted to keep the whole ‘we have a stow away aboard Artemis I thing’ a secret. Opps.
I do another hour of prank calling the radio spectrum, then zip back to 800.0.
The channel’s dead silent. For about ten seconds. “Artemis I mission control to Alex Whelm, over.” Charlie’s voice might just be the best sound I’ve ever heard.
I think I just made a lot of ham radio operator’s year.
***
I’m Nathan H. Green, a science-fiction writer with a degree in aerospace engineering, and I’m going to be doing daily semi-fictional stories tracking the Artemis I mission. You can follow along through my reddit (u/authornathanhgreen).
Artemis I Has A Stowaway is a work of semi-fiction. All incidents, events, dialogue and sentiments (which are not part of the mission’s official history), are entirely fictional. Where real historical figures appear, the situations, incidents, sentiments, and dialogues concerning those persons are entirely fictional and are not intended to depict actual events, personality, disposition, or attitudes of the real person, nor to change the entirely fictional nature of the work. Save the above, any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
© 2022 Nathan H. Green
Zero gravity sounds like a lot of fun. But it’s also weird. For example, try celebrating in zero-g. You can’t jump up and down. You can’t run around the room. Most satisfying thing is a kind of twisty half-dancing thing. Anyways, I’m doing that in the commander’s chair of Orion as the computer finishes booting up and doesn’t immediately crash.
The same error message with instructions pops up again, but I’m not paying that much attention.
Now I get that no one likes to eat humble pie, but is NASA seriously so raw about needing my help that they are not going to immediately call and congratulate me on getting Orion fixed?
Surely automated systems onboard are connecting to NASA’s systems and sending them mountains of data about the ship’s current status. Surely…
I try the radio. No answer.
Orion wasn’t designed to have its computer crash - twice. Could the computer be damaged? I spend a minute clicking my tongue, then look a little more closely at NASA’s message to me.
“Error: Comms Frequency Format”, is the dialogue box’s header.
“Freq. Invalid: Alex:Faulty_ARC-5sensor_must_be_disconnected>>EVA>PANEL17>CABL_BUNDL3>CUT_GOLD+RED_WIRE>RESTART”.
Is it possible that NASA managed to update the communication’s system’s frequency to a text string to generate an error message on reboot, and now I’ve got a radio that’s forgotten what frequency it should be on?
Back to my old friend, the emergency procedures manual. Radio - loss of signal. Fortunately, there is actually a segment of the console that looks specialized for radio controls and it’s nice and easy to find all the buttons I’m looking to mash.
I’m making pretty good progress. Good moment for a break. Mostly I’ve been taking breaks to eat when shit is going wrong, and it would be nice to see what it’s like to eat breakfast without the fear of impending doom.
When I get back to Earth I’m never eating a chocolate bar again. They do almost nothing to satisfy hunger.
While I eat, I look at my toes. They swelled up overnight. They basically look like pink/purple balloons at this point, and four toe nails have popped right off. But the good news is that if I try to move them, they hurt more. I think that means the muscles are doing something. Up, and down, both ways hurt. That’s good right?
I wonder what Jess is doing right now? Probably yoga. Why is yoga so much more popular with women than men? Shouldn’t it be a 50/50 thing and stretching feels good to everyone? Actually, how do I know more women than men do yoga? It’s just a guess but none of my male friends have ever asked me to come to the yoga studio with them.
Alright, back to work.
Item 74 on the radio checklist. “Settings > Frequency > Frequency/Encryption > Verify frequency and ACS-1024 encryption enabled”.
The sub-menu opens up easily enough and there is a dialogue box with “ACS-1024”. But then there’s another field, “frequency”, and it says: Alex:Faulty_ARC-5sensor_must_be_disconnected>>EVA>PANEL17>CABL_BUNDL3>CUT_GOLD+RED_WIRE>RESTART”. Well, that’s your problem right there.
You want to know the funniest thing about engineers? Part of our job is to write the documentation for our design work. You know how many essays you need to write to get a degree in aerospace engineering? Zero. You know how may essays you need to write to get a masters in engineering? Zero. You know how many essays you need to write to get a PHD in engineering? One, if you consider a few sentences joining pages and pages of equations, as an “essay”. Point is, you can get through a PHD level engineering program writing fewer sentences than are in the college’s orientation pamphlet. Then you get out into the world, start working, and one of your jobs is to document the heck out of your work.
Someone on the radio’s engineering team either forgot to actually include the frequency I’m supposed to be checking, or just figured every astronaut would have it memorized the same way I know pi to eight digits.
But there is supposed to be a number in that field, and instead it’s instructions.
I tap the blank field and a keypad pops up. It is pretty standard and has a decimal place marker. ‘1,000.0’ the computer accepts that number. ‘1,000.00’ the computer rejects that number. ‘10,000’? Nope. Ok. Progress. ‘80.0’? Rejected.
It takes about a half hour of trail and error but the computer is willing to accept values between 200.0 and 1,800.0. Which means there are only 16,000 possible numbers I could plug in.
If each number takes one minute then it would take 11 days, without sleep or distraction (and I get distracted), to cycle through them all. I’ll be out of air by then, or food, or water, or something else I need to live.
I start at 1,000.0. Why build something with a 1600 demarcation range if you’re going to be at the very top or bottom of it?
Five hours later and I’m up to 1,050.0. I’m going to die because engineers suck at writing. Typical.
When confronted with an absurd task it’s always a good idea to take a step back and ask if you’ve forgotten something, and I had. I forgot the power of nerds. Unforgivable.
Encryption > Off. Frequency > 1,200.0
“Hey! Anyone receiving this!”
Nope. 1,199.8. “Hey! Anyone receiving this? I need some help here.”
Nope. 1,198.6. “Hey! Anyone out there? This is Alex Whelm and I need help!”
Didn’t even make it to 1,180 before I hit pay dirt.
“This is Dallas ATC, please get off this channel.”
Air traffic control in Tampa was even ruder and let me know the FCC was going to be getting a call about my antics. But I guess it was a slow airplane day in Toledo because after the typical ‘stop bothering us’ they came back with a real question: “What’s going on?”
So, I explained it.
“Bull.”
Reality check time. No one was going to believe me. But, do I need them to believe me?
1,186.4. “My name is Alex Whelm, I stowed away aboard Artemis I and the ship suffered a computer failure. I’m trying to find NASA’s frequency but am just scrolling down in 0.2 increments right now. Every hour, on the hour, I’m going to check 800.0 for anything from NASA.”
1,186.2. Same. On the hour I click over to 800.0. “Anyone there?”
“KRC-5 to Alex Whelm - is this a joke? Over”
“No joke KRC-5. I get that you don’t want to call NASA because this really must seem like a prank. But just tweet at them or tag them on Instagram or something, let them know that there is some crazy guy claiming to be Alex Whelm gumming up the radio spectrum trying to find them and that I’ll be at 800.0 on the hour every hour till I find them.”
“KRC-5 to Alex - you’re going to get in a lot of trouble for this you know. Over.”
“We’ll just have to see about that, won’t we. See you in an hour KRC-5.”
I cycle through another thirty calls before the hour’s up. By the time I get back 800.0 is so crowded I can barely hear anyone. They very kindly explain to me I should be using proper radio slang which I guess I knew from movies but on a crowded channel it’s important.
Everyone’s curious. NASA had wanted to keep the whole ‘we have a stow away aboard Artemis I thing’ a secret. Opps.
I do another hour of prank calling the radio spectrum, then zip back to 800.0.
The channel’s dead silent. For about ten seconds. “Artemis I mission control to Alex Whelm, over.” Charlie’s voice might just be the best sound I’ve ever heard.
I think I just made a lot of ham radio operator’s year.
***
I’m Nathan H. Green, a science-fiction writer with a degree in aerospace engineering, and I’m going to be doing daily semi-fictional stories tracking the Artemis I mission. You can follow along through my reddit (u/authornathanhgreen).
Artemis I Has A Stowaway is a work of semi-fiction. All incidents, events, dialogue and sentiments (which are not part of the mission’s official history), are entirely fictional. Where real historical figures appear, the situations, incidents, sentiments, and dialogues concerning those persons are entirely fictional and are not intended to depict actual events, personality, disposition, or attitudes of the real person, nor to change the entirely fictional nature of the work. Save the above, any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
© 2022 Nathan H. Green
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