HOW TO WRITE A BEST SELLER
Authors, disappointed with the sales of your books? What exactly does it take to write a best-seller?
First, pick a trendy topic. Harry Potter teaches us that readers want fantasy, so don’t write a book grounded in reality. Reality is boring, even threatening. Readers want escape, to Never-Never land. Vampires are a hot topic. They have more fans than you or I will ever have, so a book about vampires is a sure bet. And fairies are always popular, especially if they are cute. Gnomes too. Werewolves and zombies don't need to be cute to be popular.
Heartwarming stories about dogs are always winners. Writers Digest said, “You can’t go wrong putting a dog in your story.” Better yet, make a dog your protagonist. There is always a great demand for books written by dogs, as evidenced by America’s first dog during the first Bush presidency—what was her name? Millie? Her book was a smash hit that put yours to shame. So pretend to be a dog, or ghostwrite a book for your dog.
Disease sells! Virtually everyone suffers from stress, anxiety, adrenal fatigue, post nasal drip, future shock, or some other modern ailment, so write a book about how to cope. No need to be a real doctor—Dr. Laura is not a real doctor. Never mind if you cannot cope yourself, you can always fake it. Pseudo-scientific claptrap has a steady niche audience. My book reviews at Amazon are ignored, except those of books about diseases, which rack up most of my “helpful” votes. Book buyers are a sick bunch! And there is always a huge demand for how-to books about losing weight without exercising or changing your food intake.
Books about the private lives of celebrities are good sellers, especially if they are not based on facts. And conspiracy theories are forever. Or you could start a new urban legend. Where do those things come from anyway?
Romance novels are popular with unlovable people who will never find real romance outside of their dreams. If it bleeds it leads. Writing is one place where crime really does pay. Serial killings have wide appeal to the depraved instincts of millions of readers, especially if wrapped in complicated intrigues. Remember the formula of the Hearst press: “crime and underwear.” It worked for them! An undraped female on the cover of your crime book will boost sales almost as much as a winsome dog. Better yet, use them both! According to Joseph Medill Patterson of the Chicago Tribune, people are interested in three things: sex (or love), money, and murder. Combine them and you have a winner!
Arthur Schopenhauer said that whoever writes for fools is always sure of a large audience. So if your book is not selling, it is your own damned fault!
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First, pick a trendy topic. Harry Potter teaches us that readers want fantasy, so don’t write a book grounded in reality. Reality is boring, even threatening. Readers want escape, to Never-Never land. Vampires are a hot topic. They have more fans than you or I will ever have, so a book about vampires is a sure bet. And fairies are always popular, especially if they are cute. Gnomes too. Werewolves and zombies don't need to be cute to be popular.
Heartwarming stories about dogs are always winners. Writers Digest said, “You can’t go wrong putting a dog in your story.” Better yet, make a dog your protagonist. There is always a great demand for books written by dogs, as evidenced by America’s first dog during the first Bush presidency—what was her name? Millie? Her book was a smash hit that put yours to shame. So pretend to be a dog, or ghostwrite a book for your dog.
Disease sells! Virtually everyone suffers from stress, anxiety, adrenal fatigue, post nasal drip, future shock, or some other modern ailment, so write a book about how to cope. No need to be a real doctor—Dr. Laura is not a real doctor. Never mind if you cannot cope yourself, you can always fake it. Pseudo-scientific claptrap has a steady niche audience. My book reviews at Amazon are ignored, except those of books about diseases, which rack up most of my “helpful” votes. Book buyers are a sick bunch! And there is always a huge demand for how-to books about losing weight without exercising or changing your food intake.
Books about the private lives of celebrities are good sellers, especially if they are not based on facts. And conspiracy theories are forever. Or you could start a new urban legend. Where do those things come from anyway?
Romance novels are popular with unlovable people who will never find real romance outside of their dreams. If it bleeds it leads. Writing is one place where crime really does pay. Serial killings have wide appeal to the depraved instincts of millions of readers, especially if wrapped in complicated intrigues. Remember the formula of the Hearst press: “crime and underwear.” It worked for them! An undraped female on the cover of your crime book will boost sales almost as much as a winsome dog. Better yet, use them both! According to Joseph Medill Patterson of the Chicago Tribune, people are interested in three things: sex (or love), money, and murder. Combine them and you have a winner!
Arthur Schopenhauer said that whoever writes for fools is always sure of a large audience. So if your book is not selling, it is your own damned fault!
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