Q: Pastor Paul, I am having trouble forgiving someone who has hurt me deeply. It’s not so much what they have done, but the fact that they continually do things that hurt me and my family. Every time I think I’ve gotten over one hurt, here they come doing something new that tears us up. I’m trying hard to forgive, but I don’t know if I’ll ever forget. What should I do? – Anonymous

A: I can tell from your letter that this is something that is weighing heavily on your heart and mind. Forgiveness, or rather the lack thereof, is one of the main issues that Pastors tend to counsel people over. There truly is a multitude of hurt in this world, and most of it is caused by those around us.

Since you did not specify I’m going to assume this person is mainly hurting you through their words. There are a host of things someone could be saying to or about us that would cause great pain. We’ve all heard the children’s rhyme, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Unfortunately that little rhyme is totally wrong and words do hurt us very much!

Regardless of what is being said about you or those you love, the solution is the same. It is given to us in Matthew 18 where Jesus teaches His followers about how to handle personal disputes. First, the person who is hurting you should be confronted with their sin. If they refuse to listen or change their ways, you should take a witness to help mediate your discussion. If the offender again ignores this admonition to stop, the church should get involved to try to bring resolution and reconciliation to both parties. 

Even if all of these steps are ignored or even mocked by the person who is hurting you, your response is the same. You, as a follower of Jesus Christ, should absolutely and totally forgive without reservation. 

The best illustration of this simple truth is found in the same chapter, Matthew 18. When Jesus has completed His instructions concerning reconciliation, Peter pipes up to ask a question of Jesus. He asks, “Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Till seven times?” Matthew 18.21 Peter probably thought he was being quite generous with his forgiveness. After all, the Rabbis and religious scholars said a man was obligated to forgive three times before halting future forgiveness. 

Jesus burst Peter’s bubble by responding with, “I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.” Matthew 18.22 What Jesus was saying was that forgiveness is not something that should be counted or tallied. Instead it should be the default response of a Christian to those who have wronged them.

The illustration is found in the following verses. Jesus tells a parable of a man who owed a very large sum of money who was then forgiven his debt by his Lord. The same man then finds a coworker who owed him a paltry sum. Instead of forgiving as he had been forgiven, the man had his debtor put into debtor’s prison to work off the debt. This, of course, made everyone angry, especially the man who was owed a great sum and had forgiven.

The application to our lives is easily seen, but it is spelled out even more plainly by the Apostle Paul in Ephesians 4.32, “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”

As a Christian, a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, when you forgive someone, you’re not doing it because they are worthy of forgiveness. You must also forgive regardless of whether they ask for forgiveness or not. Your forgiveness is not based on them or their actions at all, but rather on the forgiveness that you yourself have received. 

Can I remind you of something? No matter what someone has done to you, that thing (or things) is not nearly as bad as what you’ve done to God. You’ve ignored His love. You’ve disobeyed His word. You possibly have said bad things about Him or His bride, the church. Yet with all of the no good, bad, rotten things you’ve done to God, He has still forgiven you, and He will continue to forgive you as long as your life may last. Over and over and over again He has forgiven and removed your transgressions from your account all because the shed blood of the Lord Jesus Christ has paid your sin debt for you.

Your forgiveness of others is based on God’s forgiveness of you. If you have been forgiven, you must forgive others to be right with Him.

You say you don’t know if you’ll ever be able to forget the hurt and move on from the pain. This is a problem you will possibly have to work on for a long while, but you must learn to forgive, forget, and move on if you are going to be Christ-like.

When God forgives our sin, He also forgets. The Psalmist reminds us that, “As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us.” Psalm 103.12 God does not hold these sins against us nor does He hold them over our head whenever we sin again. No, the sin is forgiven and forgotten in the same moment, never to be remembered again.

The idea that we can forgive and not forget is an entirely unbiblical concept. It is a product of our sinful flesh wanting to hold on to that hurt to get back at and repay those who have hurt us. I’m thankful that God does not operate in the same way!

Whatever your hurt is, no matter how difficult it is, you must learn to forgive, to forget, and to reconcile with those who have wronged you. It is the only way to truly get closure and it the process that is ordained by God to deal with those who have hurt us.