IDID NOT GIVE UP, I WILL NOT GIVE UP
PARTONE



Ihave wanted to write for so long now but the words do not come andwhen they do there are times the tears come with them. I hadpromised to share this journey of life honestly and hope that itmight help others who suffer difficulties. There were plenty of wordsand things to share but finding a way to be honest and share thingsthat might be helpful to others rather than depressing anddistressing was almost impossible.
Ithas been almost a year since I wrote a blog. It is not because I didnot think of it or care but this has been a year of challenges tostay alive let alone keep hope. Nothing seems to be simple or easy.Complications can kill.
Ihave lived with such tremendous pain in my spine that there are nowords to describe it. Years ago the doctors told me how very sorrythey were because I have a degenerating disorder that affects bonesand joints. It is a slow process that I have lived with for years butnow as I am older the progress and problems have intensified untilthere is not a day or hour there is no pain. The object is to be ableto continue and live life and appreciate all the wonderful blessing Ido have.
Whenthey first told me I broke down and cried. It was hard not to slipinto a severe depression as I thought about my future. I not onlyunderstood what they were telling me but had seen it first had yearby year and day by day in my own grandmother and mother. I watched asthe pain stole away the happy times when she could have joined in buthad to sit back unable to walk or take part in so many things. As theyears went by it was like a horror movie in real life as she became aprisoner of her own body. No matter how much family tried to help itwas impossible to do at home and eventually she had to go live in anursing facility. She was a prisoner in her own body. Her mind workedbut she was trapped in a body wracked with pain hour after hour, dayafter day for the years that remained. One day she turned her headand the bones gave way in her neck and it cut the spinal cord.
Ihear people say how badly their backs hurt and each in their own waythinks their pain is so much worse than most others. When I say myback hurts it is so intense that it is sometimes hard to breathe. Thepain is and was so intense that my blood pressure becameuncontrollable. Trying all different medications and dosages helpedbut the pain continued as the more the pain the higher the bloodpressure.
August24th of last year I wrote a blog about a wonderful doctorthat helped not only relieve the pain but restore hope for me and myhusband.  http://linda-nance.blogspot.com/2015/08/count-my-blessings-part-one-pain-never.html  He not only is an amazing doctor but a person of heart andcare for others. He has done so much for me there are really no wordsto tell. He did the same thing for my husband as he suffered headaches that incapacitated he and left him no peace or hope. What canyou say about someone who cares and dedicates their life working toease the pain and suffering of others?
Theyhave always been cautious of pain medication with me because of thelimited lung function after they had to remove all of the upper lobeof the left lung. I not only had a mass under the aorta but foundmasses in the lung and surrounding the arteries that supplied theblood flow for the lung. That was another challenging and difficulttime in life.
Thepain in the back had escalated to the point it not only hurt andached but burned in the whole spine. August 17 of last year I woke upwith a stiff neck. It was uncomfortable but the next day it reallyhurt to even try to move it. Albert, my husband demanded I not waitbut go in and get it checked out. I felt stupid going to the urgentcare medical facility over a stiff neck but we went. One doctorexamined me and immediately called another to confer about what theysuspected. It amazed me I was getting so much attention over a stiffneck but realized it may be so much more by the way they were acting.I assured them I wanted to know the truth even if they just suspecteda problem. I can deal with thing easier if I understand than ifpeople try to protect you leaving me feel like I am crazy to feel sobad if there is nothing to concern me. When they said they weresending me to get an MRI or CT scan I knew they suspected somethingserious. I demanded to know what. When they said lymphoma my heartsank. I asked when I would have the tests done and they said rightthen. They had arranged with the hospital to take me right in.
Thatwas the beginning of a long fight. It has been a fight to survive. Ithought I would be able to share things here and hope it might helpothers but I have been working so hard just to live. I have alsotried to stay ahead of depression that could steal away the will tolive.
Thepain in the back intensified as the lymph nodes enlarged along thespine. When I came back to the vehicle where Albert waited to hearwhat they said, I could not speak at first. The tears could not beheld back and I fought for breath before I could say the wordlymphoma. I told him that I could not do it. I was not strong enoughfor something like that. I had lived through so much after a head oncollision, lung cancer, stroke, heart attack 4 stints in the heartbut lymphoma, on top of all the other things was more than I coulddo.
Wesat quietly in the pickup truck we drive and tears streamed down myface. He sat totally silent. When he finally did speak he asked whenthey wanted to do the tests. I told him we were supposed to godirectly there and that they had arranged for me to go right in. Hestarted the engine and said, “then that is what we are going todo.”
Arrangementswere made for a cancer specialist and I have been blessed with anamazing man who is fantastic in his field but does everything he canto ensure my overall safety with all of the other specialists andproblems. Dr. Monte was determined to keep me alive. Before theycould do anything to help me they had to get a biopsy and see exactlywhat kind of cell they lymphoma was to design a treatment. That doesnot sound to difficult. They do needle biopsies, see the cell typeand go from there. It often seems as if the things in my life becomecomplicated and difficult. The needle biopsy did not get live cellsthey could use for diagnostics. I will skip on ahead to September.Every minute we wait this mass was growing. They found not onlyswelling in the lymph nodes but a mass around my carotid artery,filling the chest area and around the heart. It was growing soquickly and aggressively that it was already pressing on my air way.We could not get a live tissue sample to begin treatment and I feltas if every day I died a little more.
AgainI was blessed with a wonderful doctor that was not going to give upon me. Doctor Woodward agreed to do surgery to try to get to livingtissue for the diagnostics we needed. They all agreed they had neverseen a patient that had such difficulty being able to get a simplebiopsy. I always worry about being put to sleep. In my past that hasalso been an issue that left me on life support. I made it throughthe surgery with no problems September 23 of last year and eagerlyawaited the findings.
Icould hardly believe it when they again had no live tissue toexamine. They explained that the type of cancer I had was extremelyaggressive and fast growing. It was so much so, that the tissuereachable was dead as the cancer cut off the blood supply to theupper tissues. My heart sank, thinking how quickly my life wasending. Every day I felt closer to the time when there was no hopeleft. Before I could even begin the first surgery I had to workmaking sure the respiratory would survive the anesthesia. Thepulmonologist, cardiologist, the endocrinologist and now Dr. Woodwardall worked together trying all they could to help me. They said itwas the first time ever it took 4 biopsies and two surgeries to get adiagnosis of the cell.


Afterall of that I still had to go to surgery and have the port put in forthe chemo treatments. That went well with no extra problems.
Whenthey had the live tissue, we prepared to fight the cancer with a fullplan of treatments. I knew I would loose my hair and felt that wasnothing to stop the cancer. I wrote a blog about that too. I had hadlong hair for so long but seeing it fall out felt as if I waswatching my own body die a little more each day.
WhenI first came in for the chemo treatment, I was shocked to see howmany people there were there, all fighting for their lives. We satin the waiting room silently waiting for our turn. I glanced at thefaces of those around me and could actually feel the extremeemotions. You could see sadness, worry, fear, and some almost lookeddefeated. You could tell the patients and there were also the lovedones who came with them and the worry in each face. It was time tobegin the fight and I was determined not to give up. I was going todo my best to live.
Sinceit took me almost a year to begin this blog I know I will not be ableto do it all tonight but I will be back soon. I had promised to writeas much as I could and as honestly as I could and that I will do. Iwill also finish the book of Art, Words, and Inspirations and the newnovel and so many other things that I have in my head and need to getworked so I can hold them in my hands. I will admit that pain isstill and issue with me. Some days I can hardly sit up but I will notgive up. One day at a time I will live and not just be alive. I am sograteful for all of the wonderful support of family and friends nearand far. I have heard from so many of you and seen when you haveshared my posts and words for me and it means so much. You too havehad a hand helping me to live and feel I have not been forgotten. Youhave helped me to have a voice when I felt to weak to speak formyself. I thank you all. I have felt the love, prayers, cares andsupport. With all of the problems and pain I feel I do not walkalone. The prayers have been heard and I am still here, alive, andnot giving up.
Iwill be back again soon and hope you each have a wonderful night andyour lives are filled with love and bright times ahead.
I am sharing a few pictures of from then to now and what a journey it has been..