Is being gay a social problem?

Gayness has existed since timesimmemorial; it’s only since Indian people started asserting everything about theirpersonalities openly that we are waking up to the situation.  Bewildered by their ignorance, parents,grandparents, aunts and uncles, contrary to their eons of culturalconditioning, are having to face the harsh reality that one of their sons, granddaughters,nephews or nieces is gay.  The situation isso glum that for many elders in India, the concept of homosexuality is animpossibility that they struggle to comprehend. 

If you look around, I am certainyou can find an uncle or an aunt or a distant relative or a friend who hasremained a ‘bachelor/spinster for life’, only because they were unable todeclare their actual sexuality to the world for fear of ostracization by theirfamily/community.  Either this, or theysubmitted to the whims of their families and entered into fruitless and joylessmatrimony, which if it lasted, was nothing short of torture. 

I am reminded of a recentlymarried male patient who was advised to see me because he was not‘participating’ in the marriage.  Hismother expressed great hope in our therapy process and thought that he would becured of his marital diffidence, whereas the bride’s side were vehement intheir criticism of his family for conniving to get their ‘abnormal’ sonmarried.  The girl even tried to touchhim during therapy to demonstrate how he would recoil from her.  At home, the mother apparently stood guardoutside the couple’s bedroom so that her son would not escape conjugal unionwith his spouse!  

What would you do in cases suchas these?  How would you address a problemthat was created to hide another problem? How will you tell them that straight marriage is not the one-stopsolution to all problems under the sun? That individuals will not be cured of their gayness if they are marriedoff?

While all denominations of theLGBTQI spectrum face the ire of the ‘regulars’ to varying extents, it is themale-male relations that seem to receive the most flak from all quarters in ourcountry.  I am not suggestingfemale-female relations are accepted without problems – they are not – butsomehow men falling for men is considered to be more shocking andunacceptable. 

This is probably due to theexpectations surrounding the male progeny; that he should be macho, in controlof all situations, well educated, gainfully employed till retirement age,married to a woman who he can keep under his thumb, and able to procreate andraise children according to his family’s expectations.  Any deviation from this norm invites harshcriticism from all quarters, and an expectation of course-correction to fallback in line and ‘settle down’. 

Is homosexuality a disease?

Zoologists have observed homosexualproclivities in animal species as diverse as baboons, giraffes, dolphins, anglerfish,mallard ducks and cats, among others. The Homo sapiens species is no different.

Indeed, the more relevantquestion to be pondering upon is how is it possible for the entire humanity tobe divided right down the middle into male and female genders? 

Birth, influence ofgenes/environment, physical gender, psychological gender and sexual feelingsare complex factors influencing the ultimate gender/sexual expression of anindividual.  This is reflected in the ever-increasingnumbers of alphabets that are added to the acronym LGBTQ+ that indicates thegay community.  Therefore, reducing gender/sexualityto a binary is a reductive exercise and betrays a lack of understanding ofthese complexities. 

But ignorance and bigotry make adeadly duo.  This is why gay peoplearound the world have had to bear with insults, taunts, ostracization, victimization,discrimination, and the worst, conversion therapies.  Anybody who makes a claim that gayness can becured like any disease, is lying, and is probably operating under the influenceof the deadly duo. 

Being gay is neither a disordernor a crime.  Homosexuality has beenremoved from psychiatric diagnostic manuals such as the ICD-10 (devised by theWorld Health Organization) and the DSM-5 (devised by the American PsychiatricAssociation) since a long time. 

Whether it is a crimedepends on where you are living.  Thereare still certain countries where the state and the majority of the populationare afflicted by the deadly duo, and homosexuality is considered a criminaloffence.  It is not because gay people donot exist in such societies; it is just that they live a cloistered life, awayfrom public expression.  I have seen thisin students who come from a far eastern theocratic country where being gay isoutlawed. 

Homosexuality is not a disease,but homophobia is!  Homosexualityis neither a lifestyle choice as surmised by upholders of traditional culturalvalues nor does it occur due to poor upbringing, as some parents of gay childrenfear it to be.  On the other hand, homophobiais a by-product of eons of erroneous cultural and religious conditioning.  Further, it can be indicative of theunderlying insecurity and a fear of the unknown on part of the ‘straight’ people,who operate under the influence of the psychodynamic defence mechanisms ofreaction formation and projection of these fears onto the gay community.

Ultimately though, it is all aboutthe ego.  Families of gay people live infear of stigma and ostracization.  Deeplyaffected by the diagnosis, they either live in denial of their son/daughter’shomosexuality and try to get them married, or if they do acknowledge thecondition, they try to drag them along to dubious therapies in the vain hope ofa ‘cure’.

This non-acceptance ofhomosexuality and the resulting distress caused by the attitude of their family,relatives and friends can result in gay people experiencing cognitivedissonance – a phenomenon characterized by a discord between how one feels fromwithin and how one has to behave in the outside world.  Combine this with the guilt resulting fromcultural and religious bigotry, and you will get some idea as to the pitiablestate of mind that gay people have to endure for having been born that way inthe wrong place and at the wrong time.    

What do the religions say?

It is most unfortunate that theLGBTQI discourse has been hijacked to some extent by 'wokeists' andpseudoliberals who never let go of an opportunity to pit it against SanatanaDharma’s tenets, conveniently forgetting the patent homophobia that exists in prescriptive and converting religions.  If anything,Sanatana Dharma has always been LGBTQI-friendly.  The only Hindu person who claims to have acure for samlaingikata (that is homosexuality in Hindi), is a prominentyoga guru and Ayurvedic products manufacturer – no prizes for guessingwho.  I am an admirer of his work ingeneral, but I disagree with this claim, and I hope he desists from making suchmisleading claims.   

Leave that aside, and you will findthat our itihasas and puranas are replete with stories of LGBTQI characters whoare part of the mainstream discourse and play a crucial role in the storiestherein.  Mahabharata’s Shikhandini who laterbecame Shikhandi is only one such example. The enchanting damsel, Mohini, who tricked the Asuras into forgoing theirshare of the immortal nectar, Amrita, was Vishnu in a female avatar.  The Ardhanarishwara form of Lord Shiva showsHim as a union of the male and female forms. Aiyappa, the celibate Hill-God of Kerala was born of the union of thisvery Mohini and Shiva.

These stores underscore the factthat everything in this universe is energy. So, even gender should be seen as such; varying expressions of the sameenergy, depicted in different cultures as Purusha-Prakriti and Yin-Yang.

Further, in the Valmiki Ramayana,Lord Rama’s devotee and companion Hanuman is said to have seen rakshasa womenkissing and embracing other women.  Atanother place, the Ramayana tells the tale of a king named Dilip, who had twowives, but died without leaving an heir. The story says that Lord Shivaappeared in the dreams of the widowed queens and told them that if they madelove to each other, they would have a child. The queens obeyed Lord Shiva and one of them got pregnant and gave birthto a child who grew up to be the King Bhagiratha, best known for having broughtGanga from heaven to the earth.

So, why did our culture that wasso libertarian that it expressed sexuality on temple walls and in sex treatisesbecome so close-minded and bigoted?

Most likely, it is due to theimposition of puritanism by western invaders/land occupiers that any matterrelating to sex was severely curtailed, the crowning glory being the impositionof Article 377 by the British, which the Indian government foolishly continuedeven after the British themselves had legalized gay relations in their owncountry. 

As the scholar of Abrahamicstudies, Sumit Paul, says: ‘Thousands of years of slavery and the restrictiveSemitic civilisational influence transformed the collective mentality ofIndians and changed their psycho-sexual behavioural ethos.  We began to condemn our own cultural heritageand history.’

It took a few enterprising NGOsto take the matter to the Supreme Court to have it struck down.  Still, that’s only one part of the struggle;till date there are not equal civil rights to marry, registerchildren/properties for gay couples (this matter is sub judice in theSupreme Court, as of April 2023). 

Spiritually, we are moving fromone body to another; sometimes male, sometimes female, sometimes othergenders.  So, a man might have been a woman in a previous birth,and may be reborn as a transgender in the next.  So why confine yourself to this birthalone?  If you look at it from theuniversal and spiritual perspective, it hardly matters whether you are male,female or other. 

As per spiritual healers andmasters, your soul decides which body to inhabit prior to its earthlysojourn.  You are a spirit wearing thegarb of a human body, put here to do certain actions with your fee will, so asto facilitate your karmic journey through this birth and the next with theultimate aim of attaining moksha.  So,focus on that, and give up your fixation with ephemeral bodily features. 

What should parents/families do?

As I have written under sex education, have an open conversation with your child at the appropriate timeabout their sexual preference. Alternative sexuality is a normal variation of sex expression, just asbeing left-handed or grey-eyed is.  Thereis more to your child than just his/her sexuality; look at developing theiroverall personality, academic interests and any other passion.  Do not reduce their life to fretting over thefact that they may not get married or have children.  There is more to life’s purpose than theseevents.  Remember that not everybody iscut out to get married or have children.

Whether we like it or not,whether governments of the day dither or not, whether radical religions opposeit or not, and even if self-appointed custodians of Indian culture writemissives to the President asking for equal civil rights not to be granted tothe gay community, gayness always was and always will be.  It will be accepted in the mainstream in thefuture, if not now. 

As we emerge from the heteronormative prerogative of brushing aside anything queer under the carpet, we need to figure out how to uplift 'hijras'/'eunuchs' from a marginalized lifestyle that involves begging from and harassing people at traffic signals towards a more mainstream life of gainful employment through equal opportunities.  And yes, for that matter, toilets and restrooms would also have to be redesigned to be more inclusive of the LGBTQI community.  

I envisage a future whereinintimate relations would be an optional undertaking rather than mandatory, withthe individuals having a wide range of sexual/gender diversity to select theirpartners from. 

Resources/references:

LGBT banner picture: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/LGBThtt....Shikhandi: And Other Tales They Don't Tell You, Devdutt Pattanaik, Zubaan and Penguin Books India, 2014