I haven’t updated The Fabulousness in awhile. It’s time to recount some fabulous things about life! 

I have:

Grown a radio show to 500+ subscribersRecorded another audiobookGrown a YouTube channel to 400+ subscribersWorked on Miss Fitz and the Hard NO NovemberAttended arthritis exercise classes for six monthsHeld my husband and youngest child’s European Union passports in my handsVisited CanadaStudied Italian for over 300 days in a row

It has been a terribly difficult past two years. DESPITE THAT, I have done all of the above. That is some truly FABULOUS STUFF!

Another fabulous thing that isn’t my achievement at all is…my baby boy is finishing high school.

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. less fabulous below

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I miss my Seannie horribly. I love him so much and think about him all of the time. It hasn’t faded or gotten much easier, and it’s hard to live in an extended state of grief. He graduates this weekend and I’m still not sure if I should go or not. I want to show him support, but he has been verbally abusive the past few times we have spoken or seen one another. I told him that if I go, he won’t know I’m there, anyway, because the gym will be so crowded…but I don’t know if I can resist approaching him, trying to hug him, trying to tell him I am proud of him and that he can do anything he sets his mind to doing.

I wish him peace. Peace, joy, confidence, success…I think I will write him a letter. I just want him to know that no matter what, he is loved.

There are days when I feel like he has broken my heart, and other days when I have hope that someday we will be able to find common ground. We are family. He is one of the great loves of my life. I know he doesn’t understand that right now, but I hope someday he will.

And I wish I had been a better mother to him. But I can’t keep counting all the things I did wrong. I have fought for him, for what is best for him, but soon he will be legally able to make those decisions for himself. I hope he takes care of himself, is surrounded by real friends–true friends–and knows love. 

I forgive him. I can forgive him anything, with ease. I forgive Tim for his role in all this. I even forgive Sean’s father. This year, I hope I can really and truly forgive myself.