All Aboard!

I know I promised never to set foot aboard another cruise ship, but when Marge and Tex decided to celebrate their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary by taking a cruise, and invite the rest of their extended family to join them, we couldn’t possibly stay home at some pet hotel. Which is how we found ourselves on board the Ruritania for a ten-day Caribbean cruise.

And I think I may have finally started enjoying myself to some extent, if not a murder had been committed, and Odelia’s dad was being fingered by the ship’s detective as one of the possible killers. As it was, we soon were roped into the investigation, interviewing suspects, gathering clues and generally traipsing all over the giant cruise liner in search of a killer.

Jack Harper had been lying on his towel, minding his own business, when he was alerted to the presence of an interruption of the peace and quiet of his pool time by droplets of cold water sprinkling on his person. He opened his eyes but could only see that a person or persons unknown were blocking the sun. He tried to shield his eyes to take in this person but found it hard going. Finally, the person spoke, and as his eyes adjusted, he finally saw her steadily, and he saw her whole. She was a woman of considerably handsome aspect, and when she spoke, there was a lilt of something exotic in the way she formed the words.

“You’re in my spot, mister,” she said. The way she said it suggested that she didn’t think it all that important that he move forthwith. More like amusement that he would have the sheer gall to occupy a spot that had clearly been assigned to her.

“I-I’m sorry,” said Jack. “I didn’t know.”

“That’s all right. I guess I could just as well take the spot next to you, Mr…”

“Harper,” said Jack, mesmerized by the presence of such a gorgeous creature standing a mere foot away from him. “Jack Harper. And you are…”

“Madeline,” said the woman, and proceeded to position herself on the sun lounger right next to his.

As they were pretty much the only people present at the pool at this early hour, there were plenty of spaces to choose from, which is why he hadn’t really considered that any of these spots would have been reserved. As a cruise ship newbie, he was still trying to come to terms with the ins and outs of cruise ship traveling, and so if he stepped on a few toes from time to time, it wasn’t out of malice but simply because he didn’t know what the correct etiquette was.

“You a first-time traveler, Jack?” asked Madeline now as she languidly started applying what looked like sunscreen to her bronzed skin. It looked like satin, he decided. And for some reason, he felt a powerful urge to reach out and touch it. But of course, he refrained from doing so. He might be a cruise ship newbie, but at least he knew he shouldn’t go about touching completely strange women. That kind of behavior might see him kicked off the boat, and then where would he be?

“Yeah, this is my first time traveling on the Ruritania, actually,” he confessed. “Why? Is it that obvious?”

She laughed, a tinkling sort of laugh. “Yeah, pretty much,” she said. “But you picked a great one for your first trip, Jack. The Ruritania is probably the best ship traveling the seven seas at the moment. Built in Germany, she’s one of the highest quality and largest cruise liners ever built. And it shows.”

“You seem to know a lot about cruise liners,” he said admiringly. “I take it this isn’t your first time traveling on the Ruritania?”

“Oh, no, I’ve traveled on her loads of times. All the time, in fact.” She gave him a radiant smile that could compete with the sun for first place in sheer radiance. “I live on board, you see. I’m part of the crew.”

“Oh, you are? That’s so great. So what do you do?” he asked, glad for this opportunity to have a chat with the woman before she turned away and disappeared into her own world, as most of the people on board seemed inclined to do. Since he was traveling alone, he had more or less hoped to strike up friendships with some of his fellow passengers, but so far, that hadn’t happened yet, so this opportunity to engage someone in conversation was one he wasn’t going to pass by.

“I’m the captain,” said the woman simply, causing him to goggle at her to some extent. In his mind, captains were these gray-bearded distinguished older men who stood erect and tall and had a sort of iron grip and a look of steel in their icy blue eyes. But this epitome of loveliness looked probably as far removed from the typical image he had of a captain as he could have imagined.

“Your mouth is hanging open, Jack,” said Madeline, looking amused.

“I… I’m sorry,” he said. “It’s just that… I mean you… I mean to say…”

“You don’t think a woman can be the captain of a cruise ship?” she asked sweetly. “Is that it?”

“Oh, no!” he hastened to say. “Of course not. It’s just that…” He finally gave up. It was probably obvious that he was both baffled and deeply impressed by this revelation.

“There are lots of women captains now,” she said. “So you better get used to the idea, Jack. At least if you plan to become a regular cruise ship traveler. And now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to lie here for ten minutes and work on my tan. As you can imagine, captains of cruise vessels don’t get a lot of time off, so I was actually hoping to make the most of my off-time.”

And with these words, she closed her eyes, and it was clear that their conversation time had come to an end. At least for now. Jack lay back on his sun lounger, but try as he might, he couldn’t quite see himself capable of relaxing after the startling revelation that the most gorgeous creature that he’d ever met—the woman lying right next to him, in fact—was also by way of being in charge of this entire vessel. It certainly put a very interesting spin on things, and as he gave himself up to thought, he wondered if he should have told her about the reason he was on board the Ruritania. If he had, she might not have smiled at him with such radiance or talked to him with such enjoyment.

No, if she really knew what he was doing on board her boat, she probably would have had him arrested on the spot and locked him up below decks in one of the brigs. Then again, nothing ventured, nothing gained, and so he decided to take a leap of faith.

Vesta Muffin and her friend Scarlett Canyon hurried to their designated spot at the pool. After having spent a couple of days aboard the Ruritania, they were slowly starting to become acquainted with the habits and the mores on board the vessel. For one thing, if you wanted to have a great spot by the pool, you had to hurry and make sure you beat the other passengers to it. And since some of these passengers were perfectly ready, willing, and also able to kick you in the shins if they thought that would suit their purpose, it was paramount to develop a strategy. And so, along with Scarlett, she had devised just such a method of securing the best spot. It was all about the wrists, she knew. You had to race to the sun loungers from the moment the pool deck was being opened for the day, then flick your towel from afar and cause it to land in the right spot. For the moment your towel had landed on the sun lounger, that lounger was officially yours, and nobody could touch it. It took some doing, and she and Scarlett had spent the better part of their second day on board practicing their throwing technique, but now they were experts, and Scarlett was even better at it than Vesta was. She could throw a mean towel from no less than twenty feet away, beating all the other contestants of the daily race and thus securing herself the perfect spot by the main pool.

It was just one of those things that the travel agency hadn’t mentioned in the glossy brochures these companies like to publish, extolling the many advantages and virtues of traveling aboard the cruise line’s flagship, the Ruritania, but it was one the two friends had learned in record time.

The same thing applied to breakfast, of course. Even though the crew prided itself on making sure that all passengers were always fed and the breakfast buffet was supplied on a continuous basis during official breakfast hours, Vesta had discovered that if you arrived even half an hour late, a lot of the good stuff was gone, and the buffet looked as if a horde of ravenous wild beasts had attacked it and left nothing but crumbs for those who came behind. So it was important that you lined up in front of the restaurant twenty minutes before the doors were officially opened, and used your elbows to muscle to the front of the line and get in there first. She knew what she wanted, and so did Scarlett, and so the moment they burst through those doors, they were already making a beeline for the sushi rolls filled with raw fish and avocado, getting in there before the vultures arrived.

Others might have said it was a stressful way to start the day, but not for Vesta and Scarlett. It was simply part and parcel of traveling with hundreds or possibly even thousands of other passengers on the same boat. And since they were determined to make the most of their time on the ship, the strategy the two friends had devised suited them perfectly. The only thing they hadn’t managed yet was to secure themselves a seat at the captain’s table. But they had plans in that regard. Big plans, and they were determined to see them through. Before their voyage was over, Vesta and Scarlett would become the captain’s new best friends, even if the man didn’t know it yet.

Vesta had seen the captain, and she had decided that he was going to become her second husband, or conversely, Scarlett’s first. Handsome as could be, with a distinguished white beard and those cool blue eyes that set him apart from all the other males of the species, she knew that wedding bells would ring out in her near future. But since Scarlett had confessed to her that she had also heard those very same wedding bells ring in her ears, Vesta was quite willing to forgo the big prize and become Scarlett’s maid of honor if that’s how the dice rolled. But until then, it was every woman for herself, and if Scarlett didn’t make a move, she most certainly would.

“Oh, isn’t he just the most gorgeous man you have ever seen?” she asked now as she smeared a liberal amount of sunscreen on her chest. “He’s just so… captainy, isn’t he?”

“He is very captainy,” said Scarlett. “But something tells me that we’re not the only ones in the running for the big prize, honey.” She gestured with her head to the captain as he lay next to a woman of bronzed and exotic aspect, who was amiably chatting with the captain. And if Vesta’s eyes weren’t deceiving her, the captain wasn’t fully impervious to the devious vixen’s charms either, as he was grinning like a moron while he listened to whatever the woman was pouring into his ear.

Vesta’s face clouded. “Treacherous little minx,” she muttered under her breath. “You see that all the time, don’t you? Women throwing themselves at the captain like that. Making a total fool of themselves.” She could have added that she was just such a woman, and in all likelihood, so was Scarlett. But then they had both determined that the captain was theirs for the taking, and so by all rights he shouldn’t engage this other woman in conversation and revel in the dubious privilege.

“She’s pretty,” said Scarlett, and if Vesta wasn’t mistaken, there was a touch of jealousy in her voice.

“I guess so,” said Vesta reluctantly. “If you like the type.”

“The captain certainly likes the type,” said Scarlett.

And as they watched on, the conversation between the two seemed to have come to an end, and they both lay back on their respective sun loungers and closed their eyes. Clearly, the captain had decided that enough was enough and had told the woman in no uncertain terms what he thought of passengers becoming entirely too fresh with him.

Vesta relaxed. And as she started thinking up ways and means of approaching the man and snagging his attention, she knew she was in for a tough time since she was obviously facing stiff competition. But she was nothing if not determined and knew that she would come out the victor in this ruthless campaign she was about to engage in. A captain’s wife. Now wouldn’t that be something? Then she could move out of her daughter’s place and travel the seven seas by the side of her handsome captain, being awarded all the perks that probably went with the position. For one thing, she would never have to struggle to get first dibs on a sun lounger in the morning ever again, for the captain’s wife probably had her very own lounger reserved especially for her. Maybe even her own private deck with her own private pool. And she would get the best food at the breakfast buffet, the best cabin, and the best service supplied to her free of charge. And as she freely indulged in her daydream of the kind of glorious life she would lead once she became the Ruritania’s First Lady, she didn’t notice that a hidden hand had snuck up behind her, grabbed the bag she had brought along that contained her wallet and her phone, then retracted again, removing the items and securing them for its own. The same procedure was repeated seconds later with Scarlett’s bag and about a dozen other passengers all enjoying those first rays of sun heating up the pool deck. It was a nice haul, and all perpetrated under the nose of the ship’s actual captain, who wasn’t the gray-haired man who answered to the name Jack Harper but the woman lying next to him.

Marge wasn’t all that keen on the fact that their cruise wasn’t going to take them to the one island she had been looking forward to visiting. It had been on the itinerary when they set out on this journey, but apparently something had gone wrong, and now all of a sudden it wasn’t on the schedule anymore. It was a small island in the Caribbean, and she had read great things about it, both about the local population’s hospitality and friendliness, but also about the springs located in one of the island’s spas, which were supposed to possess rejuvenating qualities and be able to cure any diseases you might be suffering from. And since she had been experiencing a slight pain in her right hand lately, she had been hoping that bathing in that healing spring water, which allegedly sprang up straight from the Earth’s core, might alleviate the malady she had.

As it was, her husband of twenty-five years, who was a doctor himself, had told her it was all hogwash, and she shouldn’t give credence to a bunch of nonsense stories and local hoodoo. Just a way to fleece the tourists, he had said. If she gave into that sort of thing, she was simply perpetuating a myth and allowing these crooks to continue swindling naive people.

Still, when she read on that day’s schedule that the trip to the island had been canceled and the boat would steam ahead to their next destination, she felt a distinct pang of regret. The pain in her hand was one thing, but her granddaughter Grace had developed a sort of skin rash lately on her upper back, and she just knew that a dip in that healing spring water would have cleared it right up.

“I don’t understand,” she told her daughter while the family was enjoying a nice breakfast. “Why did they decide to skip a trip to Marker Island?”

“Probably because King Kong has been spotted,” her husband said in a weak attempt at humor.

She made a face at him. “It’s not funny, Tex. I was really looking forward to visiting those springs. They’re world-famous, and on TripAdvisor there are lots and lots of very positive comments. Hundreds of them, in fact. It would have cleared up Grace’s rash.”

Odelia gave her a look of commiseration. “Maybe you can ask the captain?” she suggested. “There must be a reason they decided to change the itinerary. Though if you’re worried about Grace’s rash, don’t be. It’s practically gone already, with that new cream Dad prescribed.”

“They’re probably behind schedule,” said Chase, Marge’s son-in-law. “So they figured they’d better make up for lost time by skipping a destination or two. It happens.”

Chase and Odelia were experienced cruise ship travelers, Marge knew. They had done a cruise for their honeymoon, taking along their cats for that occasion, or at least two of them. This time, to celebrate Tex and Marge’s twenty-fifth wedding anniversary, the rest of the family had all chipped in and decided to offer the happy couple a Caribbean cruise, something Marge had been dreaming of for years but which had never materialized. But now it was finally happening.

“I’m sure there will be springs on other islands,” said Tex now, giving her a rub across the back. “And if you really want to pay a visit to this particular island, we could always come back next year and do it all over again.”

She gave him a grateful look. She knew it probably wouldn’t happen, but then again, it might. So she decided to put the whole Marker Island business out of her head and focus on the bright side, which was that she was there with her family, and they were having a great time.

“Where is Gran?” asked Odelia now, looking around. “She wasn’t in her cabin when I knocked on the door just now to tell her we were heading out.”

“She and Scarlett are lounging by the pool,” said Tex. “They got up early again so they could get first dibs on the best spots by the pool and also be the first at the breakfast buffet.” He shook his head. “They seem to believe that if you’re not first to attack the buffet, there will be nothing left.”

“Well, it is true that some food items already seem to be finished,” said Odelia as she took a bite from her pancake.

“I thought they kept refreshing all morning,” said Marge.

“That’s the idea,” said Tex. “But sometimes they run out of stuff before everyone has had a chance to sample all the items on display, so they simply move some of the other stuff around so it doesn’t look obvious things have run out. Which is something Vesta seems to know very well.”

Vesta and Scarlett had quickly become experts at this cruise liner thing, and it was obvious that the two older ladies were having a whale of a time. First dibs on the breakfast buffet, first dibs on the best spots by the pool. And their next plan was to get first dibs on a seat at the captain’s table for dinner. So far, that particular honor had escaped them, but Marge was convinced it wouldn’t be long before they were glued to the captain and wouldn’t let go until the man had promised either of the two friends to marry them.

“They certainly have taken to cruise life like a fish to water,” said Chase with a grin.

“They’ve been looking forward to this cruise so much,” said Marge. “They’ve been reading everything they could lay their hands on and watching documentaries, YouTube videos, and movies about cruise life for months now.”

“If I didn’t know any better,” said Tex, “they might even consider becoming fixtures on the Ruritania.” A sort of wistful look had come into his eyes, and Marge knew what he was thinking. If he could unload his mother-in-law onto the cruise line company, it would probably be the best day of his life. But since Ma was one of those people who are an acquired taste, Marge didn’t think that would happen. They would simply return her to sender as soon as possible.

She glanced around, and when she saw that their four cats were seated next to the table and snacking from their bowls, she relaxed. She hadn’t thought they’d be allowed to bring their cats on board. Pet dogs, yes, by all means, but pet cats? She didn’t think she had ever heard of people taking a trip aboard a cruise ship with their cats in tow, but the Ruritania was one of the only cruise liners that allowed pets on board, so they had applied for and received permission to do just that, and so now Max, Dooley, Brutus, and Harriet were all aboard, and even though they were still getting used to it, they didn’t seem to be overly put out by the sudden shift of environment.

She picked up the remnants of her soft-boiled egg and deposited it onto Max’s plate. She watched with interest how he discarded the white and concentrated on the yolk for some reason. He ate it all, then proceeded to start licking himself, blithely ignoring his benefactor, as most cats do.

She shared a look of amusement with her daughter, who had been watching.

Cats. They love you when they need something, then when they get it, they simply ignore you.

Suddenly there was a sort of commotion near the entrance to the restaurant, which was one of many different restaurants on board the gigantic vessel but had quickly become their favorite. When Marge looked up, she saw that her mother and Scarlett were approaching, and they didn’t look happy. Both ladies were dressed in their bathing suits, which wasn’t allowed in the restaurant, something the hostess at the entrance of the restaurant was pointing out to them. But Ma being Ma, she simply ignored the woman and steamed on the moment she caught sight of her family.

“We’ve been robbed!” she shouted from thirty yards away. “Someone stole our phones and our wallets!”

“Oh, Christ,” said Chase under his breath.

“And we weren’t the only ones,” Scarlett added. “At least a dozen people lost their personal possessions, some of them their passports and other valuables!”

“And we tried to complain to the captain, but he said he’s not the captain at all!” said Ma and seemed even more aggrieved by this betrayal of her confidence than the actual theft of her stuff.

“What do you mean, the captain isn’t the captain?” asked Odelia.

“Just what I’m telling you: we told the captain about our stuff being stolen, and the man had the sheer audacity to claim that he wasn’t the captain! Probably trying to shirk his duty!”

“You do know that the captain of the Ruritania is a woman, right?” said Odelia.

The look on both Ma and Scarlett’s faces was something to behold.

“A woman!” Ma cried, much aggrieved. “But why?!”

“Because women can captain a boat just as well as men can,” Odelia pointed out. “So the man you thought was the captain is probably just another passenger, just like us.”

“But… but… but…” Ma sputtered, looking like a kid whose candy had been taken away. “But that’s not fair!”

“I get first dibs on the passenger,” Scarlett said quickly. And when her friend eyed her in abject dismay, she shrugged. “He may not be the captain, but he’s still a very handsome man, honey.”

Ma threw up her hands. “This cruise is going to hell in a handbasket!” she yelled, and then she pointed a finger at Chase, for some reason. “You have to find our stuff and arrest this thief, Chase.”

“Why me?!” Chase cried.

“Because you’re a cop, and it’s your duty to do… cop stuff.”

“I’m on vacation!” said Chase. “And besides, I don’t have any jurisdiction here. Go talk to the captain. The actual captain this time, not some passenger who looks like a captain. He’ll probably refer you to the ship’s security team, and they’ll take your statements and catch this thief.”

But Ma wasn’t so easily appeased. “I don’t trust this captain,” she said.

“Why?” asked Odelia. “Because she’s a woman?”

“Because she’s been cheating us! Making us believe this other guy is the captain.”

It was the kind of specious logic Marge’s mother excelled at. Only this time she was about to be put in her place, Marge saw, for the actual captain had appeared at their table. She was a woman of Marge’s age, with red hair tied back in a ponytail and perfectly attired in a captain’s uniform. She gave Ma a look of censure. But when she opened her mouth to speak, she was nothing if not perfectly civil and professional. “The deck steward has informed me about the thefts,” she told them. “And I want to apologize on behalf of the crew and tell you that we will do everything in our power to make sure it doesn’t happen again and that the thief will be apprehended, and your property returned.”

“You shouldn’t have put this other guy in charge,” said Ma.

The captain gave her a look of confusion. “You mean the deck steward?”

“No, the other captain! When we told him what happened, he said he wasn’t the captain, and I don’t think it’s fair.”

The captain simply stared at her and gave her a look that Marge had become quite accustomed to over the years. It was the kind of look a lot of people gave Ma Muffin when she was going well. “I don’t understand,” she finally confessed.

“Don’t listen to her,” Tex advised since he never did so himself. “She’s had a big shock.”

The captain’s expression instantly morphed into one of compassion. “Of course you have. And like I said, we’ll catch the person responsible and return the stolen items as soon as possible. In the meantime, we would like to offer you free drinks for the rest of your trip, and that goes for your entire party.” She made a gesture encompassing all those present at the table, and Marge gave the woman a look of approval. Free drinks all around were a nice way to compensate them for the trouble this thief had caused.

But of course, Ma wouldn’t have it. “Who cares about free drinks?” she asked. “You should never have allowed this thief to come on board in the first place. So what you’re going to do is hire my granddaughter and her husband, and they’ll make sure this never happens again.”

“I’m sorry, your granddaughter and her husband?” asked the captain.

“They’re cops,” said Ma proudly. “And they’ve solved a lot of cases back home. In fact, they never fail at any task they set themselves, so if you add them to your personnel roster, you can be safe in the knowledge that this thief is as good as caught.” And when the captain opened her mouth to speak, Ma waved a hand. “You don’t have to thank me. It’s the least I can do. And now I would like you to introduce Scarlett to your captain who isn’t a captain because she’s got first dibs, and even though I like the guy myself, Scarlett is my best friend, and if she wants to marry this guy, I’m not going to stand in the way of her future happiness. So lead the way, my dear, and we will follow.”

The captain closed her mouth again, and if the dazed look in her eyes was any indication, she was probably already regretting that she had ever welcomed Vesta Muffin aboard the Ruritania in the first place. But then she wasn’t the first, and probably wouldn’t be the last, to have a feeling of being sandbagged after making Marge’s mom’s acquaintance. She often had that effect on people.

Okay, so I know what you’re going to say. After our last terrible ordeal aboard a cruise ship, why did we ever agree to board another one of these horrible contraptions? The thing is, if we hadn’t come along, we would have had to stay in Hampton Cove without the benefit of our humans’ presence. And since the whole family decided to join Marge and Tex on this trip, they would have had to leave us with one of their neighbors or friends, or even one of those pet hotels that are all the rage. And since the last thing I wanted was to spend the next ten days at a pet hotel, no doubt surrounded by the scum of the earth in the form of canines and other pets, we had no other option but to buckle up and join the journey. So far, I hadn’t found my sea paws yet, but I was getting there. Who was enjoying the trip even less than I did was Brutus, whose otherwise nice black shiny fur had acquired a distinctly dull look and who looked a little green around the gills.

“I don’t like this, Max,” he confessed. “I don’t like this at all.”

“You mean the thefts?” I asked, for we had been following the back-and-forth between our humans and the captain with keen attention.

“Oh, who cares about the thefts?” he said miserably. “I don’t like this trip, I don’t like the boat, I don’t like anything about it.” He sagged to the floor. “I don’t understand why you didn’t tell me how absolutely terrible being aboard a boat can be.”

“You’ll get the hang of it soon enough,” I told him. Though when he gave me such a pitiful look that my heart bled, I had the impression that maybe he’d never get the hang of it. Maybe he’d be miserable throughout the whole trip and only be happy again once we returned to port and were home safe and sound once more.

“I like it,” Harriet announced happily. She had just stowed away a pretty impressive meal and looked as chipper as she had ever looked. “Say, maybe we could ask the captain if she needs another artist for tonight’s entertainment. I could sing a couple of songs and become part of the ship’s crew.”

We had sat through last night’s show, and I had to admit that adding Harriet to the program probably would be a major improvement, since even though she’s not the world’s best singer, she’d do a better job than the scheduled performer. Not that any of the passengers seemed to mind since they all sang along and generally had a ball. Though the copious amounts of alcoholic beverages most of them had imbibed might also have had something to do with that.

“How about you, Dooley?” I asked. “How are you finding this trip?”

“Oh, it’s fine,” said Dooley.

“Are you sure?” I asked. “You don’t sound all that excited to be here.”

“No, it’s okay,” he assured us. “It’s just that…” He glanced up at the table where our humans were still partaking of breakfast and were now discussing the recent events surrounding the theft of Gran and Scarlett’s wallets and phones. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, Max, but there’s something in the water, and it’s been following us all along. I think it probably started following us the moment we left port, and it’s been following us ever since.”

We all stared at our friend. “What is following us?” asked Brutus, his face turning even paler than before.

“I’m not sure,” said Dooley. “Though if I were to hazard a guess, I would say it’s probably a giant squid. Or it could be a shoal of sharks, of course, hoping one of the passengers will fall overboard so they can eat them. But like I said, I’m not sure.” He shrugged. “I would need to do more research.”

I think it’s safe to say we all shivered after this shocking announcement from our resident sea expert. In anticipation of this trip, Dooley had watched even more Discovery Channel than usual and had even gone online to brush up on his knowledge of everything to do with taking long journeys aboard a boat. He’d even watched videos of Captain Cousteau, who had been something of a legend in French maritime circles and an avid explorer of sea life. So if Dooley said the boat was being tracked by a large squid or a shoal of sharks, then he probably wasn’t too far off the mark.

“But why would a giant squid follow us?” asked Harriet.

Dooley nodded wisely. “For the exact same reason the sharks do. To feed on human flesh. And since people fall overboard all the time, they stand a pretty good chance at being rewarded for their patience.” He gave us a serious look. “So whatever you do, don’t fall overboard, you guys. You’ll be snapped up immediately and become giant squid or shark food. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

And with these words, he returned to his breakfast, which today consisted of shrimp. But even though I love shrimp, something we rarely get to feast on at home, somehow I’d lost my appetite. And as I thought about the prospect of being eaten by a giant squid or a shark, I vowed not to set another paw on deck for as long as we were guests on the Ruritania. Best not to take any chances!

Gran and Scarlett had joined our humans at the breakfast table, and as I glanced up, I saw that two more members of our party had decided to participate. They were Uncle Alec and his fiancée Charlene Butterwick. Apparently, they had slept in, and only now were induced by the rumbling sensation in their stomachs to join the rest of the family.

“I was robbed, Alec!” Gran immediately announced, effectively wiping the happy and relaxed smile off her son’s face. “Robbed, I tell you. So what are you going to do about it, huh?”

“What are you talking about?” said Uncle Alec as he briefly glanced over to the buffet. Seeing it was still moderately stocked, he relaxed.

“Scarlett and I were at the pool discussing Scarlett’s wedding plans when suddenly we both noticed that someone had stolen our wallets and our phones from our bags.”

“Tough,” was Uncle Alec’s only comment. He then excused himself and hurried to pick up a tray and fill it to his heart’s content with breakfast items.

“Tough!” said Gran, sounding incredulous. “Is that all he’s got to say? First Chase refuses to help us out, and now my own son! What good is it to have cops in the family when they won’t even lift a finger to help you when you’re being robbed at gunpoint!”

“Gunpoint?” asked Marge, alarmed. “Did the guy have a gun?”

“It’s just a matter of speech,” Gran clarified, “but it wouldn’t surprise me if this miscreant did indeed wield a gun, just in case one of his victims caught sight of him in action and decided to do something about it.” She turned to her friend. “Looks like we had a lucky escape, honey. For the same token, he could have shot us both stone-cold dead!”

“I don’t think he had a gun,” said Scarlett, offering an alternative view. “Guns probably aren’t allowed on board. And we did have to pass a guy waving a wand when we boarded, remember?”

“Oh, they’ve got ways to sneak a gun past the wand,” Gran assured her friend. “No, I’m telling you, there’s a gang of thieves on board this ship, armed to the teeth, and if we don’t do something about it, they’ll probably lay waste to the entire group of passengers!”

Charlene, who had joined her future husband to load her tray full of breakfast goodies, now returned, looking fresh as a daisy and with a happy smile on her face. Being away from the office and the business of managing the town of Hampton Cove of which she was the mayor became her.

“This is so nice, you guys,” she announced. “Though I’m probably going to gain about ten pounds if I keep this up. This buffet is so amazing, and I just want to keep loading stuff onto my tray!”

“That’s both the beauty and the danger of these buffets,” said Tex. “Everything is so delicious, you want to try it all, and before you know it, you need two trays to carry everything and two stomachs to digest it all.”

“Okay, so I’m going to give myself permission to go all out,” said Charlene as she took a seat at the table and eyed her little haul with gratification. “And then once we’re back home, I’m going on a diet. How does that sound?”

“Lousy,” said Gran. “So are you just going to sit there and stuff your face while Scarlett and I are being robbed of our possessions?”

Charlene frowned. “You guys were robbed?”

“Yes, we were! And at gunpoint, no less!”

“Not at gunpoint,” Marge hastened to say.

“But we were robbed,” said Gran.

“The captain has promised us she will catch the thief,” Odelia told Charlene. “And she’s going to return everything that was stolen to the rightful owners.”

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” said Gran, continuing to offer the critical view.

Meanwhile, Uncle Alec had returned, his tray full to overflowing.

“Are you going to eat all of that?” asked Marge with a laugh.

“I’m going to give it my best shot,” said Uncle Alec with a happy grin. He then sighed happily. “Now isn’t this the life? I could get used to this, you know.”

“Yeah, me too,” said Chase as he settled back in his chair. His tray was empty, having transferred its contents to his inner trencherman, and he looked ready to take a little siesta by the pool. The only one who didn’t look as if she had overdone herself was Grace, but then she only ate what she was being given, and to Odelia’s credit, she was limiting the toddler’s intake of food to what she needed.

“I like the cruise,” Grace now announced. “I like it almost as much as daycare.”

“You’re a very lucky girl,” said Harriet. “To be going on a cruise at your age.”

“I just wish there were other kids,” Grace said, offering a minor note of critique.

“I’m sure there are lots and lots of kids,” I said. “You just haven’t met them yet.”

Even though the cruise ship offered daycare and even supervised mealtimes for kids who stayed on board during port days, Odelia and Chase had opted to stay with Grace themselves, and to accompany her while she had fun on the waterslides, played in the different pools on offer, and generally had a ball. They were there to have fun as a family, and so the whole family had been joining the activities geared for kids so they could spend this vacation together. The adult contingent, meanwhile, had mainly been relaxing and staying in the vicinity as much as possible, though I have to say that this whole pool aspect didn’t sit well with me. Frolicking in a pool isn’t my idea of a fun time being had by all. In fact, I couldn’t think of anything less fun than being submerged in a very large receptacle filled with water, dozens and dozens of people splashing about, kids sliding down waterslides, and generally getting wet all the time. Brrr.

But then, since I’m not a spoilsport or a wet blanket in any way, I had decided early on not to voice my reservations, and my friends clearly felt the same way, for when Odelia had asked us at the end of our first full day on board the Ruritania if we were having a good time, we had all nodded enthusiastically and said we’d never enjoyed ourselves more. And she actually believed us!

But let’s be honest: who in their right mind would voluntarily set foot on board a gigantic floating metal tub and head out in the middle of an entire ocean? You’d have to be crazy to think this constitutes ‘fun’ in any way. More like suicide, in my personal opinion, or the figments of a deranged mind. But then of course I’m just a cat, so what do I know?

Breakfast over, the human contingent returned to their cabins to get ready for a day of poolside enjoyment, while the four of us dragged our paws to some extent as we patiently waited until our humans were ready so we could spend the day in the shade, a safe distance from the pool, and take long naps while we dreamed of feeling dry land underneath our paws once more.

For the next couple of hours, Marge read her thick tome, which she called a beach read, even though there were no beaches on the ship, Tex simply closed his eyes and promptly fell asleep, Chase and Odelia spent all day in the pool with Grace, Uncle Alec did his best impression of a beached whale, and Charlene surfed on her phone, a pair of oversized sunglasses on her nose, looking like a movie star of old in her stylish bathing suit. As for Gran and Scarlett, there was no trace of them, so I assumed they were probably on the hunt for the captain who wasn’t a captain.

As far as I was concerned, I decided to follow Tex’s formula. So I closed my eyes and took a prolonged nap, as did my friends.

Except perhaps Dooley, who kept darting anxious glances to the ship’s stern, or is it aft? Presumably on the lookout for that giant squid or that shoal of sharks. If you’re the group’s designated sea life specialist, you have a responsibility to act as a watchcat, and clearly he took this responsibility very seriously indeed!

And I had just been dreaming of my spot on the couch back home when a sort of roar arose in my vicinity. Immediately, I opened my eyes, fully expecting to see a giant squid tentacle reaching out and picking up people left and right. But instead, all I saw was a very large woman with a very red face looking down at me and shouting something that at first I didn’t understand. Finally, I tuned in and heard her say, “Who brought these cats on board! Don’t you know I’m allergic?!”

As if people splashing in a pool, giant squids, sharks, and thieves weren’t enough to contend with, now we had to deal with a cat hater too!

Copyright © 2023 by Nic Saint