“I am the servant of the power behind the Nothing.”

G’Mork: The Neverending Story. 1984

I don’t remember if it was a tip from an artist friend in high school or advice from Julia Cameron’s “The Artist’s Way,” but I once encountered a suggestion to picture writer’s block; to actually find or create an image that personified it and place it where I could see it when working. The idea is, if you can face it, you can fight it.

Last night I wrote a blog for someone near and dear to me about a shared experience. In it, I included the actual intrusive thoughts that occurred as I was writing. I put them in italics to set them apart from “my own” words, the words of my conscious mind. As part of my battle with a recent increase in the intensity and frequency of my fight against anxiety, I have come to think of my anxiety and I as separate entities.The blog I mentioned above was the first time I separated them to the degree there was a bit of dialogue between us as I wrote.

Anxiety doubts. It questions. It suggests uncertainty. It undermines. It’s the unfiltered fear and worry of the subconscious mind. I’m borrowing and adapting this idea from Jen Sincero’s “You Are a Badass,” of which I’ve just read the first chapter. The conscious mind is the rational one. It’s responsible for logic and reason. It processes information and makes decisions. It’s the part of me in the driver’s seat so long as I’m winning the fight. Anxiety comes from the subconscious

Anxiety is G’Mork; the nightmarish wolf-like creature from the 1984 film “The Neverending Story.” As a child, this was one of the scariest characters in any scene in any movie. He might be responsible for the fear of large dogs I had when I was young that, to this day, keeps me on the other side of the street when a large, pointy-eared canine is approaching. G’Mork has long represented fear. I don’t think of him often, but when I consider formative images from my childhood, he’s there, poking his head out of the shadows and issuing threats.

Today, I decided that he is my anxiety. When I wrote that blog last night, I could see a vague form in my mind’s eye of the beast who was speaking those intrusive thoughts. The more I thought about it, the more it took shape. When I was describing to my friend the idea of my anxiety being a separate entity I had to fight, I described G’Mork, and he became the “official” avatar for the anxiety-monster that plagues me.

And if I can see him, I can fight him. I bought a sticker I’m going to put on a notebook where I’m starting to journal those intrusive thoughts. The sticker reads “Fight the Nothing.” The Nothing is the lost battle. It’s the victory of my subconscious mind over my conscious mind. The Nothing is defeat and hopelessness. And I have no intention of losing.

I am on the earliest pages of a new chapter in my life. It’s a chapter full of hope and promise; one where I embrace who I am, where I grow personally, professionally, and in my relationships. It’s the chapter where The Nothing’s power is a memory, not a threat. And G’Mork isn’t welcome. The transition between chapters is difficult, as change often is. And anxiety is playing a key role. G’Mork is growling and baring his teeth. He’s staring at me with those chilling eyes and whispering lies. His domain is doubt, uncertainty, and fear. My conscious mind sees him for what he is; the foe in a fight I have to win.

And I will fight The Nothing.

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