For the first time since coming out years ago, I don’t think I will be going to Pride. June has had a special place in my life for a while now, although it’s really more like August because in my hometown of Eugene, they celebrate Pride in August. Coincidently the event also took place around my birthday which made for an easy way to celebrate both. Have fun with friends, go to Pride, drink a bunch and celebrate. This year I’m almost two years into my parenting journey, I haven’t slept through the night in about that long, I’m working outside of the house and I’m so so tired. 

Last year I attended Pride (in the correct month) in Kansas City with my partner and our baby. It was a special event because we went with our polyamorous friends, and it was Danny and Baby’s first time attending.  The event was huge! Much larger than any I’ve gone to before, the heat was sweltering, despite us attending purposely in the evening, and very very overwhelming. My already fragile nervous system was put on high alert being with so many people in such a loud situation. There was a huge stage and the kind of booming music you hear in your chest. Everyone was dressed up, dancing and having fun. While I worried about the noise level and my baby, and about mosquitoes and too much heat. I felt out of place with my worry and my exhaustion. 

I’ve never felt out of place at Pride before, but then I’ve never presented quite this straight before. In our group of friends at least we all bunched together and melted into the crowd, but that didn’t stop me from feeling uncomfortable. And I know straight passing is a privilege so I don’t want to complain about that, but simply say it surprised me as someone who has typically felt like I was home at Pride. 

But honestly feeling my straight passing privilege was a good reminder for me. What made me the most uncomfortable was the frankly astounding amount of Pride branding by so many corporations. I’ve heard on the internet a lot about this issue, but I had never come face to face with it before. And when I saw the verizon wireless table with rainbows on it I stood for a moment wishing I had the strength to go full “Jesus in the temple” on them and start flipping tables. As it was I could only stare in exhausted parent. Which all brings me to my point of, I’m really not sure how to feel about Pride right now. 

The whole topic is incredibly nuanced, and I don’t think there’s one correct answer, nor do I think I could come up with a good answer for anyone other than myself.  Pride, for many people, is a touchstone to the wider LGBTQ+ community. It’s a welcoming event, a place where everyone is supposed to be welcome. And therein lies an issue, if everyone is welcome then are LGBTQ+ police welcome? Are corporations welcome? If we start excluding people, are we ignoring our own message? Thinking about the questions and nuance makes my mind and spirit even more tired than they already are. And I don’t want to debate anyone about it, I gave up theological discussions when I left Catholicism. 

But my mind goes back to the beginning, to the roots of our history, and I remember this whole thing started as a protest against police violence, and I wonder, what would those LGBTQ+ people think of us now? What would they say about the merch and the branding and some people saying that police should be allowed at Pride? I’m sure there would be mixed responses. And where does this leave me? What should I do for Pride? How do I both celebrate, mourn, and honor our history? 

I think what feels the best to me right now, is just to write out my thoughts and to be able to see them on paper. To acknowledge my questions, to be able to come to terms with the uncomfortability of the situation. And to realize that maybe this year I won’t go to any official Pride events (at least not the big ones put on by cities), not out of protest specifically, but simply to allow myself space and time to reflect. Though who am I kidding? I’m too tired to go anyway.