Nov. 2018: Me at around 400 pounds. My heaviest was about 10 months before that at 443.

It’s been a year since I wrote something on here and have been meaning to do a weight loss update. I so enjoyed doing that journaling exercise last August and kind of wish I’d have done it this year. I think for the next little while on here though I’m going to try and do some more general journaling on here and more regular weight loss thoughts. This morning I got on the scale at the gym with socks, shorts, and a shirt on, and weighed 280.3 pounds. As an adult, I’ve only been below this weight once and that was in 2011/12 or so when a severe depression episode had me eating very little and weighing 267 at my lowest. From there I gained steadily up to 443 pounds in late 2017/early 2018. I did a blog about my weight loss journey from 443 to 343 back in March of 2022 and you can read that HERE. Just for reference I’m a pretty tall person at 6’4″.

So that was about 17 months ago and I’m down 60 pounds or so in that time. About 8 months of that was spent basically plateaued at around 318 to 320. This past March I started really losing again, initially through diet and exercise. But I also have been battling some bad digestive issues with acid reflux and gastritis, so to be honest, eating more than 2000 calories a day has been very tough just cause I constantly feel full even when I haven’t eaten that much. I got an endoscopy and they said everything looked good other than my stomach was irritated. So they gave me a new medication and that has helped with getting food down, but the fullness and bloating still persists. I’ve been eating pretty clean though and so the mixture of good foods, exercise, and lower calories has equaled a pretty fast drop the last five months or so.

Getting under 300 pounds felt like a really exciting milestone to get by. Other than that foray down to 267 in 2012, I’ve basically been over 300 for most of my adult life. I truly have never had a “goal weight” throughout this process and honestly never really have at any point in my life. I truly don’t know what I’d look or feel like at 250, 240, 230, etc, so we shall see. I can’t imagine someone of my height and broader build being under 220 or so. I’d guess 230 to 240 is probably where I’d like to eventually be at. My approach to the loss has been kind of a “day at a time” mantra, just make as many good decisions each day as I can and things will take care of themselves. But now that I’m kind of in the later stretches of this thing, I wanted to reflect on what’s different, what’s the same, and just some thoughts on the process.

I’ll start with the positives. I am proud of myself. My weight has been a battle for much of my life and I’m happy that I’ve made the changes that I set out to make. I’ve had a lot of people helping and supporting me through making those changes. Friends who have been amazing resources and occasional shoulders to lean on. I had a personal trainer for a year that got me educated and really started on a good fitness program. And I’ve gotten lots of support and nice comments from people on social media. All of that encouragement has really made this a better experience. Like a lot of things in life, it feels like a solitary journey but there’s so many people helping out when you think about it. It’s such a tedious and slow process, and it’s so easy to get derailed. The difference for me the last few years is that I just never have really gotten derailed for more than a day or two. Before, I’d fall off the wagon and would stay off

Right now my biggest positive is buying clothes. I think at my heaviest I was a 54 inch waist for pants and 4xl shirts were a little too snug. a little over a month ago, at about 290 pounds, I went to the Destination XL shop to buy some clothes. I’ve mostly shopped there, JC Penney Big and tall section, and amazon in recent years for clothes. Well at DXL I went to buy a pair of jeans and all they had was 44 waist as their smallest. Last time I bought clothes was in the winter and I bought 46 waist clothes. I knew those were now too big so I asked the guy if they had a 42 and he said I’d need to go to Dillards as they didn’t carry below 44 very often. I hadn’t bought new clothes in a while and imagine my surprise when the 42 waist jeans at Dillards were even a touch big! I tried on the 40 waist and they fit perfectly. I also walked over to the Mens section (not big and tall) and tried on some shirts at a XXL size, and they fit perfectly. My friend Jessica told me a while back, don’t go by the scale, go by how your clothes fit. Of course I still go by the scale (Hi Jess), but trying on those clothes and having them fit felt so good. For YEARS I’ve gone to stores and seen things I like, only to see them not available in my size. Shopping as a heavier person legit sucks and I wish more brands expanded their sizes for bigger folks.

So now some negative things. Number one has to be body dysmorphia. I see myself in the mirror every day and I still think I look exactly the same as I did when I was much heavier. I see a fat person looking back at me (yes I’m aware I’m still a fat person, but you know what I mean). However, what’s interesting is that when I see photos, especially photos of me with other people, then I see the staggering difference in weight from the past. I’m starting to think that I’m just always going to see myself that way and maybe that’s exactly how body dysmorphia works. But it’s a frighteningly real part of this process and one that gets me down quite often.

I’ve also recently started noticing my skin changing as weight has come off more quickly in recent months. I wouldn’t say I have “loose skin” but it’s certainly starting to happen. I guess this is a negative, but truth be told I think it’s more of a battle scar/victory type thing. As I said right now it’s minor, and hopefully if I can lose weight a little more gradual over the coming months and years, then it’ll be just a small issue.

One thing that I’ve really focused on trying to work through since moving to Florida is loneliness. I feel like it’s a word that has a weird stigma around it, but it’s the correct word for how I feel most of the time. I’ve always been very blessed with a lot of friends and a wonderful family who I’m very close with. However, I live 3000 miles from almost all of them. In Florida I’ve worked to expand my network of friends, but making friends as an adult isn’t easy. A big part of my wanting to lose weight was to make myself more attractive and hopefully more appealing as a prospective partner for someone. I’ve dated a lot the last couple years and met some wonderful people, but nothing has really stuck beyond a few dates or just staying friends. I’m fortunate to be able to travel a fair bit and do lots of fun and exciting things in my free time, but I do 95% of those things alone. I really wish I had someone to share my time and life with and it’s a priority of mine to find that. It’s just proved very elusive. I feel like for years I figured it was my body and appearance that made me unattractive to women. Turns out maybe it was my personality all along lol. But I’m still optimistic that I will meet someone and have a great relationship.

Overall I’m very happy with my progress and the experience. When I look at some of the most rewarding things that have come in my life, almost all of them were long roads that had lots of twists and turns as well as many low points. I think if something comes without struggle it’s not as appreciated and learned from. I’m looking forward to more milestones with this but also just hoping to continue to work towards more self acceptance. Thanks for reading. Here are some more recent photos to contrast with the one up top.

Gym Bro My hair isn’t the only thing getting thinner!