Oh, happy day! "The Bachelorette" premiere is still a little ways off (May 14!), but ABC has "released" the men who will be vying for Emily's hand and heart (I see the word 'release' and picture the men milling around in a cattle holding pen while producers watch over them, with whips and cattle prods).

I'll be live-blogging the fun for the good folks at Entertainment Weekly, but let's warm up with a look at the contenders.

First impressions: the producers have presented us with a delectable assortment of the good, the bad, and the intriguingly coiffed, a fine crop of guys who want to find true love, or at least the guarantee of being on a few tabloid covers and maybe – just maybe – “Dancing with the Stars.” There’s a heavy emphasis on the International Male (hey, who else is old enough to remember that catalogue?) – and guys with jobs we’ve never heard of. (Hello, Brazilian grain merchant!)

Bonus points for whoever's running the show for not bothering/offering to proofread any of the bachelors’ responses. If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then bad grammar, iffy spelling, and odd capitalization are a window into…something else.

So who’ve we got?


Arie is a race-car driver. Hey, just like poor Emily’s late fiancée, and father of her child! Oh, producers, you wonderful, lovable sadists.


Alejandro is a mushroom farmer from Medellin. First reaction: sure he is. Second reaction: I’d keep him around for a while, just because I enjoy saying “mushroom farmer from Medellin.”


Here’s Michael. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: never date a guy you’re going to have to fight for the flat-iron.


Kyle’s favorite movies are “Zoolander,” “Point Break” and “The Notebook.” Translation: I’m funny, I’m hip, and if we start dating, our schedules will sync!


The most outrageous thing Jean-Paul has ever done is “quitting my job, selling everything I own, and jumping on a plane to travel the world for six months – all within three weeks.” Hey, rambling boy, you want to know what’s impetuous for a single mom? Ordering extra pepperoni at Chuck E. Cheese.


Charlie is cute, seems down to earth, and has an English bulldog. I’d declare him the winner right now, except he was dumb enough to take the bait and give an honest answer about his biggest fear: “RATS!!!” Prediction: Charlie and Emily’s first date will be a ride-along with a local exterminator. Note to future contestants: if producers ask you your biggest fear, the answer is "naps" and "hot-stone massages." You're welcome.


Chris is twenty-five. Does he consider himself a romantic? Indeed he does! “I’m always trying to find the net best way to romanticize a woman.” Hubba-whah?


Here’s Kalon. He is a luxury brand consultant. Both his name and his job sound made up. My guess? His name is Steve. He pumps gas.


I respect Randy’s fashion choice, even though I dozed off briefly while reading his answers.


Ryan’s favorite artist is a basketball player. “I believe athleticism is the “Art” of movement. Michael Jordan was an incredible Artist.” Somewhere, Ryan’s English and art teachers are huddled in small balls of shame, weeping. Or should that be Weeping?


Of course, we have Lerone, the obligatory Man of Color. He seems nice and down to earth, but, given the history of interracial couples on this show, I’m dubious about his chances.


Then there's Tony. He ripped his pants trying to hop a fence in Vegas. He, and bulldog Charlie, are at the top of my list...


along with the guy whose forehead's so enormous I'm thinking about taking out ad space for my new book.