BY STEVE BATES

Recently, I had the honor of meeting with President Biden to offer him advice on how to win a second term. Not surprisingly, the one and only topic was Joe’s age. People think he’s too old for the job. If he won a second term, he would be something like 103 by the time he left office, or so voters believe. He’s already stumbling on stairs like Gerry Ford used to do. At times, particularly when suffering from jet lag, he seems to mumble or repeat himself. He’s not as bad as Mitch McConnell, of course. No one with a pulse is as bad as Mitch.

Here’s the transcript of my Oval Office meeting:

Steve: Thanks for meeting with me Mr. President. I am so honored that I will waive my usual fee.

Joe: Wave, as in wave the flag?

Steve: Ah, sure. So, tell me, how old are you really?

Joe: To tell the truth, I’m not certain. My birth certificate was destroyed in a fire during the Civil War, so I’ve just been telling everyone I’m this age or that age. The news media never bother to try to confirm it.

Steve: We’ve come a long way from the Obama Birther scandal, when Republicans proved that Barack Obama was born in Kenya, South Africa, India, and several countries ending with “stan”. All on the same day.

Joe: [mumbles].

Steve: I recommend that you take very specific steps now to make yourself seem younger, and cooler, and more in step with people under 65.

Joe: Like wear sunglasses? I already do that. It makes me look cool.

Steve: No one will mistake you for one of the Blues Brothers. You should start driving a sports car. A flashy convertible. A red, white, and blue one.

Joe: Not bad. But the Secret Service won’t let me drive.

Steve: Okay, maybe have an affair, get some bimbo pregnant, pay her to have an abortion, and leak it to the tabloids.

Joe: Jill would kill me. And, uh, I’m having a little problem with, uh …

Steve: I can get you some meds. In the meantime, let your hair get long, grow a beard, and start playing in a rock band.

Joe: Could I sit down while I perform?

Steve: That might not be the best look. Maybe you could start smoking marijuana. That would help you relate to young people.

Joe: Stoned people don’t vote. And besides, it’s legal now, which takes all the fun out of it.

Steve: That’s for sure. How about going on social media. You could get a lot of attention attacking other people. Republicans, Democrats, Independents, cults, survivors of alien abductions, mimes.

Joe: Mimes?

Steve: An easy target. Okay, maybe you should focus on older voters. You don’t poll well with Evangelicals. Have you thought about becoming born again?

Joe: If I was born again, I’d have to wait 35 years to qualify to run. I think I’d be too old then. Plus, I don’t want to have to go through that whole spittle and wearing diapers thing again.

Steve: Okay, I was saving this one: Let’s send you back in a time machine to the 1970s or 1980s. You would still have most of your faculties, and you did a little better back then.

Joe: Now you’re talking. As long as I don’t have to run against Ronnie Reagan.