been contemplating suicide
for over a year now
heard in September
my cousin beat me to it

it made me reconsider
for a little while

mid-November now as I sit
typing this out
thinking about it again
how I’d do it and all
the shitty things I’d be remembered for

knowing they’d outweigh the good
because people seem to forget
especially when you’ve been
as fucked up as I have
wrecking lives
including my own

I don’t want to die
that’s what sucks the most
about having these feelings
but life feels so hopeless

so I light another cigarette
drink my fourth cup
of prescription-strength coffee
and kill myself the slow way

because I want to live

©2023—JDCIV