Rightly or wrongly, I’ve been very open with my mental health, or lack thereof. When I was first diagnosed with depression, I wrote blogs and got a few published in places that used to matter. I even got a radio interview that ended up being pretty weird.

Then I wrote a book showing the funny side of mental health and got a write-up in Maxim for some reason. The book sold so well that I made dozens of dollars and can now afford branded toothpaste. Small size, but still branded.

Mental health sucks. When you think you’ve got all the inputs handled (drugs, therapists, quitting drinking), the outputs (anxiety, panic attacks) sneak up on you.

I’ve smashed the inputs. I do yoga, meditate, see a therapist and burn crap that makes my house smell weird. I’ve quit alcohol (12 months in February), I’ve got a great job which I work hard at and my wife and daughter are amazing.

So imagine my surprise on Saturday afternoon when sipping coffee (which I’m not quitting, you masochist), I found myself on the edge of a self-doubt spiral.

If you’ve had one, you know how it feels. It starts with a suggestion that sneaks in almost subconsciously. It could be ‘you’re getting fired,’ or ‘your partner is leaving you,’ or ‘you’re not good at tennis.’

For me, it was ‘you’re never going to be anything, and you’ve achieved nothing in your 44 years.’

To understand the spiral, you need to recognise it for what it is. Not a statement but a question.

‘Are you never going to be anything, and why have you not achieved anything, you old bastard?’

To which the brain responds with evidence, either pro or con. My brain, being a dick, gave a load of reasons why I’m a massive piece of underachieving shit, and I sat in bed covered in heavy warm things watching Netflix and burning candles for the remainder of the afternoon.

What’s the cure? This isn’t a self-help article. I have no idea. I lie in a puddle of dread until it goes away. I’ve tried everything.

The good news is it’s only temporary, for me anyway. Now I’m writing about it, and I feel fine. But I know the spiral is sneaking around, waiting for me to be off guard.

I’ll just keep trying everything until then.