Noticing small things shifts our awareness. Recently, I began the intentional act of focusing on my interactions as an outside observer. This practice empowers me to operate as an outside judge. This role guides me to ask some very important questions. In my relationships: Do I feel uplifted and joyful? Do I feel misunderstood or defensive? Is my energy depleted or do I feel full? These are small but necessary data points. I want to be surrounded by people who encourage and celebrate me. When I am with other people I want to be lifted up, otherwise solitude is preferable. I want to go where I am wanted and celebrated.

Being attentive to the energy we feel when engaging with others, leads us to put ourselves first. These are not small stakes. Stop putting the comfort and values of other people ahead of your own and you will find what brings you joy and satisfaction. You get to choose your relationships. Select the people in your life based on connection rather than circumstance.

The first step is to recognize that this is what is happening. That we do not need to redouble our efforts when someone steps away. Our lives all progress at different paces and we move from one phase of life to another, often making new friends along the way. American songwriter and performer, Taylor Swift, calls these Eras. Sometimes we outgrow friendships and relationships. It is hard to let go but noticing the quality of the relationship helps us to gauge its true value. Are you the only one reaching out? Does it feel good to be in this person’s company? Or do you feel drained, tired, misunderstood, or as if you are repeating yourself because they didn’t listen?

People aren’t perfect and we all have off days. But as I notice the people I am investing in not reciprocating, I realign my efforts. I make a deliberate choice not to invest any further where there isn’t any return. It’s a basic financial principle, invest where the returns and dividends are plentiful. When something is expensive and costing you time and money, it should be worthy of the investment. And if it’s not, cut your losses. Move on to a new investment – or relationship – that better serves and supports you. Go where you are wanted and celebrated. We don’t want to be anywhere where we are only tolerated or allowed. Surround yourself with people who are excited to see you. Those friends that light up when you enter the room, those are your people – move towards them!

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