A Trauma Informed Life
When I became a paramedic, I did not know that 1) it would lead to a lifetime of working with people experiencing trauma, and 2) that my own trauma would inform and lead to that choice in career.
I have loved each part of my life. When I think back, I remember the good. Many in my field talk about the STRESS they feel in this job and its impact on mental health. All I feel is excitement about the work I get to do. I find beauty in disaster - the sunrise that comes only because there is a wildfire nearby, or the community that forms from chaos. As a paramedic, there were also the difficult calls - the suicides, harm to children, the death of a colleague - but through it all I felt rather detached from the pain. Instead I examined the lessons I learned from whatever it was that had happened.
I can't think of a single person I know who has fond memories of high school, but I all I remember is how much fun I had. And although my childhood was marked with alcoholism, drug use, and a great deal of uncertainty, I see the gifts my parents gave me.
It wasn't until I turned 50 that I decided to take the deep dive into my brain to try to figure out what makes me tick. I wanted to better understand why I have a hard time connecting with others. I have lived alone the majority of my adult life. I am happiest alone. But I also know that there is something holding me back from being able to feel comfortable with others - to truly connect. It is only recently that I have realized that it is complex trauma that is the key to how I think, how I connect, and how I live.
My therapist told me I am great at trauma. Instead of turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms I took all my trauma and created a thriving career based on helping people move through their own trauma. I am happy most of the time. The downside, of course, is that I also disconnect from the pain around me and I rarely allow myself to process emotions. It is a strange mix of good and bad.
About a year into this journey, I started to worry that by resolving old traumas, I would also lose my joy at life or my ability to be effective in my work. But maybe I can continue to harness all I have learned and resolve that which holds me back at the same time. This is the path I am currently on and I am excited to see where it leads.
I have loved each part of my life. When I think back, I remember the good. Many in my field talk about the STRESS they feel in this job and its impact on mental health. All I feel is excitement about the work I get to do. I find beauty in disaster - the sunrise that comes only because there is a wildfire nearby, or the community that forms from chaos. As a paramedic, there were also the difficult calls - the suicides, harm to children, the death of a colleague - but through it all I felt rather detached from the pain. Instead I examined the lessons I learned from whatever it was that had happened.
I can't think of a single person I know who has fond memories of high school, but I all I remember is how much fun I had. And although my childhood was marked with alcoholism, drug use, and a great deal of uncertainty, I see the gifts my parents gave me.
It wasn't until I turned 50 that I decided to take the deep dive into my brain to try to figure out what makes me tick. I wanted to better understand why I have a hard time connecting with others. I have lived alone the majority of my adult life. I am happiest alone. But I also know that there is something holding me back from being able to feel comfortable with others - to truly connect. It is only recently that I have realized that it is complex trauma that is the key to how I think, how I connect, and how I live.
My therapist told me I am great at trauma. Instead of turning to unhealthy coping mechanisms I took all my trauma and created a thriving career based on helping people move through their own trauma. I am happy most of the time. The downside, of course, is that I also disconnect from the pain around me and I rarely allow myself to process emotions. It is a strange mix of good and bad.
About a year into this journey, I started to worry that by resolving old traumas, I would also lose my joy at life or my ability to be effective in my work. But maybe I can continue to harness all I have learned and resolve that which holds me back at the same time. This is the path I am currently on and I am excited to see where it leads.
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