Tis the season to attend Christmas parties with people you don’t really like, don’t know very well, and/or total strangers. So dust off the toothy smile, dig out the small talk and tell yourself…strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet!

Actually I have no problem with talking to strangers. It’s strangers who have a problem talking to me. But back to small talk. Here’s my take. Five or ten minutes on the weather and your Christmas plans is fine, it’s all social butter to the, uh, awkward intercourse required at the average Xmas do. After that, it’s boring.

What IS boring? Yes, it’s in the eye of the beholder but I’m still going to be judgemental. Lack of curiosity is boring. If you’ve been talking to me for half an hour and you haven’t asked me a single question, that’s boring. Lack of self-awareness is boring. If you haven’t realised, after ten minutes explaining the exact route you plan to drive so as to visit all of your grandchildren by Boxing Day, that this topic is unlikely to be of interest to anyone except maybe your kids, there’s something missing. Food, in my opinion, is kinda boring (eat it, don’t talk about it). Ditto alcohol and drugs. And medical conditions. Unless it’s one I’ve got, of course. Also, don’t launch into long discussions of people not present who you know and I don’t. Unless they’re famous actresses or something, I guess.

What do you think is boring?

What is NOT boring? Stuff that you know that I don’t (other than people). Goats and their quirks, how to tell if you have a leak in your tank, what it was like when you went to prison, why you hate Trump and/or Biden, that time you got abducted by a UFO, and scurrilous rumours about a certain person we (both) know and despise. Anything personal and honest, like your road to recovery from narcissistic personality disorder or narcolepsy. Opinions, especially unfounded ones. Disagreements, as long as they don’t end in punch-ups. Taking an interest – in other people, in life, in the world around you. You don’t have to be an egghead to enjoy thinking and wondering and listening and theorising and then chucking out the theories and getting new theories or just making stuff up…

Speaking of which, last week I kidded a bunch of people into believing the following was a real article in the Guardian. (Well, it could have been, if they weren’t so PC.)

A global survey by CoolTravellers.com has ranked Australians as the second most boring people in the world after the inhabitants of Liechtenstein. Based on feedback they received during the survey (which was conducted online via social media) the reasons for this included Australians’ unwillingness to talk about anything emotional, serious or intellectually challenging, their ignorance of other countries and cultures as well as of science and literature, and their general lack of passion.

“I was invited to an Australian barbecue in Brisbane,” said one respondent, Thea. “All the women wanted to talk about was the weather and diets, and all the men wanted to talk about was the weather and sport. It was excruciating!”

“Went on a blind date with an Australian once. I asked him what he was passionate about, he couldn’t come up with anything. Then he said his car. Well that just about finished it for me,” said Sofia, from Spain.

“Half the Aussies I talk to online don’t even know who Freud is or like Dostoevsky. And they think we’re backward!” said Oksana, from Russia.

48% of respondents thought that Aussies were generally friendly, but 68% agreed that they were ‘tight-arsed’. “You always hear how relaxed Australians are,” said Giulia from Italy, “it’s fucking bullshit, you get fined for parking your motorcycle on the sidewalk, you can’t even take your top off at the beach and all the pubs close at eleven. I’ll never go there again!”

There were, however, some positive comments among the general canning. “They hate arguments and they won’t discuss politics, sex or religion but at least they don’t set fire to their garbage bins,” said Jules from France.

“They have these things called public intellectuals,” said Matt from the UK, “and they do all the thinking while the other guys just focus on bagging refugees. Maybe we could learn something?”

Ok, so this is fake – but is it true? Are Australians really boring, in your experience? Or are (insert your nationality here) even MORE boring than us?

(For an alternative answer, visit here)