You have two people.

Both grew up with childhood trauma that caused them to have trauma responses that are similar. Both tend to self-isolate as a means of safety, maybe even hiding from what the world may offer. Both constantly think that the bottom will fall out of any situation. They think the worst automatically and must respond to it. Finally, both are in a situation where they do not have many support systems – no family to depend upon and no external resources. They each must make it on their own. Interestingly, although these two people have all of this in common, they end up dealing with the trauma in completely different ways.

For several years, I have been taking in youth who do not have the resources or a place to stay. It is a temporary arrangement, often for six months to a year, allowing them to get a job, save some money, and get out on their own. The youth currently staying with me is one of the people I am talking about in this post. She has obviously had a difficult childhood and has developed some trauma responses that are pretty debilitating. She automatically thinks the worst in every conversation. I cannot even send her a text with a question or ask her a question face-to-face without her thinking there is some nefarious reason I am asking. I asked her once how school was going and she took the question to mean I wanted her to leave my home. What? She also hides away here at the house afraid to venture out into the world. I told her that a condition for staying here was to get a job – any job. So she got a job, told me about it, then promptly quit. How do I know this? Because she never leaves the house. She never leaves her room in the house. I know it is fear that keeps her from working, I know it is fear that caused her to start school only to quit less than a month later. I know that it is fear that keeps her in her room 24 hours a day. The most frustrating thing, however, is that she won't do anything to improve her situation. She won't go to therapy, she won't talk to anyone, and she won't seek out help in any other way. She lacks motivation to improve her situation so she remains stuck in time not moving forward or backward.

The other person in this scenario is me. I also ended up with fears from childhood trauma. I also tend to think the bottom will fall out. I also self-isolate when I am stressed and would rather spend time alone. But where we differ is in our response to these things. I chose a different path. I became hyper-independent and did everything possible to ensure I would never have to depend upon anyone to help me through. In order to be successful, I got out on my own as soon as possible. I worked three jobs to support myself while I went to school. This was all in an effort to ensure I could make it on my own and never need anyone’s assistance. I became a master planner, always planning for the bottom to drop out but also planning for how I would get through it once that happened. These things led me directly into my chosen field where I literally plan for bad things every day. I also was motivated to improve so I didn't need any assistance. I became a good researcher and sought out answers to my questions.

Both are responses to trauma and both seek the same end goal. But the reactions are drastically different. You would think someone like me would be able to help this youth since we have the same trauma responses, but our methods are so vastly different that I feel ill-prepared to help. And worse, she wouldn’t accept my help if I offered.

Is it possible to help someone so debilitated with fear if they won't take the steps to help themselves?