Let’s Hope this year is better for me. I’m going to recap of the last few months. I feel no shame in being vulnerable. You have to be if you write.

I know my last post was in July 2022 and boy, has it been hectic!

July

I had an interview for a job I was perfect for. I was excited. My mind was pre-planning lesson plans for this non-credit college class. You might be thinking someone beat me out for the position. The after-school summer camp had ended. I was preparing for the interview that morning, suddenly I get a call from my Nana. I usually clean her apartment and do her laundry once a week for her. I thought maybe I forgot to tell her. I was ready to say I’ll be there in an hour.

Her voice cracks and says. “I just called an ambulance for Pops. I’m going with him,”. My heart drops and I immediately tell my mother. She was in the shower, getting ready for therapy. (I live with my parents and have no shame, especially in this economy). I immediately send an email, saying I have to reschedule and if they can’t, I hope they consider me for future opportunities. I remember my mom just dropping me off at the ER door while she found parking.

I scrambled because this wasn’t the first time that summer he had been admitted. The month (July) before I get a call, Pops fell. My dad and I rush over to ER. It’s an instant replay as I recall handing my id to the ER clerk to find his room. My entire family makes their way to this hospital. My sister is freaking out. She is seven months pregnant. She lives in Jersey while I reside in Staten Island. I’m sitting there on my phone practicing German (thanks Duolingo) to distract my mind from the fact, my Nana is tapping her foot constantly, my Pops is on and off sleeping. I stay with them till we get any news.

A doctor comes by and recommends, “I would advise he stay the night, but it’s up to you,” I’m trying to tell my Nana he should stay the night. What if he falls again? She doesn’t want to hear it. One of my uncles comes in and asks what’s going? I explain the situation and he’s met with the same argument. I shoot my dad a text. Next thing, my Nana has a call. “Mom, he’s staying overnight end of story,”. My Nana asked me to go outside while she has a cigarette and get something to eat from the hotdog guy. (It’s a literal food truck on UberEATS). She won’t say it, but I can sense she’s worried. He lost half his body weight in eight months.

We sit there and joke about the German I was practicing. I see my other uncle has arrived and decide it’s best to go back home for a bit. There are only a certain amount of people at a time. My Tif cousin meets me two hours later. I find my two uncles and two other cousins sitting there in the waiting room with my Nana. You wouldn’t think my Pops is in the worst health with the way the conversation is flowing. Tif is telling us all about her new job, the benefits, her health insurance. That’s how you know you’re old, when you’re like health insurance with zero co-pays. My Nana is making jokes about me practicing German. Then there’s this silence. I didn’t like it.

“Why did you bring him?” My Nana asks, pointing at one of my cousins. My uncle response. “This might be the last time he sees his grandfather.” What gets strange is we all get up and leave to go to a diner. My Nana doesn’t want to come. She doesn’t want anything to eat. I feel a little guilty as Tif drives us. I feel like my sister should be with us. She loves this man. He has been there for us since we were born.

When I was born, my mother’s entire family rented a townhouse. My uncle had the first floor, my grandparents had the second, and we lived on the third. We ate dinner with them every night. We woke them up every Saturday morning instead of our dad. He was not our grandfather. He was literally a second dad. He always had a bad dad joke and would sit with a cup of tea, reading the newspaper. A few years later, he showed up to every softball game I played. He didn’t drive; he took the bus to all of them. The following year, he was the assistant coach for the team. I’m thinking about these moments before heading into an overheated diner in the middle of a humid July.

Tif appears upbeat but worried about Nana. I assure her Nana will be fine, we’ll get her a milkshake and she’ll be fine. We sit in this diner. My mom doesn’t want to come after getting off. I think she had been at the hospital with Nana. I’m asking questions to my cousins about their college plans, what they’ve been up to. My one cousin is telling me about her trip to Germany, my other is telling me how his dorming situation. The hour flies before we’re back. There’s no update on his room or what’s wrong. What caused him to fall? I have a slight panic in my stomach. I remember I was supposed to go food shopping with Nana today. I had chosen to sleep in after working all week. If I hadn’t slept in, I still wonder if we would have found him dead. How long would he have been laying on the floor calling out Nana? Tif drops me off and I take a shower and scrolled to see what movies are playing that the movies that week. I wanted to be distracted.

My sister calls, and I had been dreading the conversation. “How is he?” she says,. I don’t lie and find myself saying. “It’s not good. Come out and see him in case.” I think back to my uncle saying, “This might be the last time he gets to see his grandfather,”. I didn’t want to stress her or cause harm to her pregnancy. This was her first child and she should have been celebrating, not worrying.

Pop goes home two weeks later. My one co-worker ask me about him and my sister. There are rare co-workers who are human. She was one of them. She tells me she’s glad to hear it.

August

I’m sitting on the same bench eating a hotdog while Nana smokes a cigarette. Tif is bumming a cigarette. They haven’t given him a room yet. The security guard tries to tail me and Tif. There is a two-person only rule. This guard is staring us down. All I can think is my grandfather is dying, you dick. A doctor helps hid us from the security guard. Tif pulls out her work id, so he can’t say anything. (she works there). My Pops is laying there, sleeping on and off. He keeps saying he’s going to get to hold his first great granddaughter. He says nothing is going to stop him from meeting her. My uncle comes in with my aunt. He sits down and starts crying. I’m trying not to show I’m worried. I have never seen my uncles or mother cry. It feels surreal, almost permeant. My aunt is telling him to calm down. Tif and I go and get some air.

We don’t talk about how much of a mess our uncle is. She wonders how her father is going to take it. We decide it’s best to talk about the baby shower. Tif and I are similar in we don’t want children. Well, I don’t want to have them, but I’m not opposed to adoption. We’re excited for my sister. First one to get married, first one to have a child. Everyone is happy for her, but it feels weird to be happy with the darkness in the background.

“When do you think he’ll come home?” Tif asked. I shrug because I don’t know if he’s ever making it out of the hospital. I’m worried he’ll die there. That week my mom and I start taking Nana to the movies more. It keeps her mind off the bad for a few hours. This eventually becomes the new routine for my mom and I. Work, Hospital, movie (1x-2x a week), bed. The weeks become a blur.

Pops goes into a nursing home. I’m exhausted from that day, my Nana kept debating if she wanted me to come for the ride in the ambulette. The hospital informed us that he would be admitted at 4, but he was still waiting. My mom and I head to Wendy’s. Not the best thing for us to eating, but it’s close and cheap. We eat the car and bring Nana food. She comes down and eats; she critiques the pumpkin spice frosty, asking what’s wrong with vanilla? We get a call. Pops is leaving. It is now seven. My Nana decides she doesn’t want me to come and to meet her there.

I’m exhausted. I had been up since 4:45 am. I ask the receptionist at the nursing home if they know what room he’ll have. She looks at me like I’ve lost my mind. She wasn’t aware, but the upstairs wing was. My mom and uncle sit in the lobby, waiting for the arrival. Another hour passes. They finally arrive. My Nana looks tired. My Pops is complaining about everything. He is brought to a room. My uncle, mother and I are following behind to see his room. A woman stops my uncle and says hello. My uncle is polite and says “good, you?”. She grabs his hand and says, “I know where the bodies are buried.” I didn’t like that at all.

We’re told we can’t stay while they hook up machines and etc. We sit in the lobby. I fall asleep in a bright red chair in a cheery lobby.

September

My mom and I are getting yelled at by Nana. “Stop bringing him sweets. He’s diabetic.” My mother always replied. “He’s 84 years old. If he wants it, he gets it.” He’s grumpy and not eating that first week. He’s constantly asking about how me and my sister are doing. If there’s any update about the baby coming? The update? The doctor keeps pushing her due date back. My sister is exhausted, her body is aching, even her wrist has blown up. She just wants her daughter to come.

He is difficult and rude to my Nana. My mom finally snaps. She is worried about my Nana. Everyone else is worried about my Pops. My mom and I are both afraid she’s getting stressed. My mom and Nana make sure he starts eating, so he can get off the feeding tube.

My mom flat tells him, “It’s up to you if you are going to see your great granddaughter. It’s up to you if you are going home. Want to go home? You have to start doing what they say!” That night he eats “Comfort foods” (foods that don’t affect the feeding tube but people tend to like) without a problem. My mom takes my Nana and I to the movies that night. I don’t remember the movie we saw. I think it was a murder mystery.

At the end of the month comes, my sister is texting me at work. She says her dog has been up her butt all morning. Like he knows something is about to change forever. She is attempting to walk, but her feet are swelling, her body is aching and she has been feeling false contractions all day. She calls me asking if moms around that night. She wants to know if she should head to the hospital. My mom tells her she should already be there.

The next day, I’m greeting to a text message of my very grumpy niece, who looks like she rather be back in the womb. Normally, I would have gone to the nursing home. My uncle says he’s going to tell Pops. I go to CVS and get a photo collage made. I work fast. It’s raining. My Nana, grandma and dad are in a car that feels like hours. My Nana is in the hospital’s gift shop. She picks something up for my sister. She tells me everyone always forgets about the mother. The gift shop clerk is super friendly and nice.

Due to Covid, only two can go up at a time. I decide to go last, not take this moment from the great grandmas and grandpa (my dad). My Nana says she’ll wait, we go get coffee and admired the beach view in the lounging area. I think she is still worried about Pops. I don’t blame her.

Finally, we go up. It’s the first time in weeks. My Nana doesn’t look stressed as she speaks with my sister. My sister is clinging to her baby. A beautiful baby girl who is asleep in her arms. She wants my Nana to hold her. My Nana refuses and says another time. Nana is smiling at her great granddaughter and a very exhausted new mom. My sister texted me that morning, she threw up giving birth. She says it was worth and sent me another photo of my niece.

October

There is a major mood shift in Pops. He is ready and cooperating. His major complaint is his roommate, who constantly pulls at his curtain and knocks wires away. He has found a new snack to like. Fruit snacks I gave him as a joke. Apparently, they are soft enough to chew and swallow. He’s eating more, he’s giving it his all in physical therapy. My Nana and I discuss Thanksgiving with him. I offer to stay behind and have thanksgiving with them. We tell him we’ll bring him whatever food he wants. A man who refused to learn technology. Learn how to face time pretty quickly. He had FaceTime with his great granddaughter every day. He said she was his motivation to get out of there.

See, I was never in denial he was going to die. I like to make that clear. I thought he was going to make it Christmas, or at least the new year. I’m sure you can see where this is going.

First Saturday in November

I agreed to see my Nana and Pops after I got out of work. I’m a social creature. I spend a half-hour bullshitting with my co-worker, joking about the millennial shit we went through that was making a comeback. I say “I have to go see my grandfather in the nursing home” “I hope he’s okay,” I reply “He’ll be home for Christmas, but I don’t know about next year.”

I hop in an Uber and do my typical sign in. I make my way to his room. I say hello to the little old ladies who have nothing and think about what Tif said. (“Kill me if I ever end up here, this place is depressing”) I enter his room. “Hey! How’s she doing?” The first question he always asked. I FaceTime my sister, her baby is wide eye and paying attention to anything passing by her. He’s not hungry and has no appetite. All he wants is his Dunkin coffee. My Nana looks worry. I ask her if he’s on a new medication. Turns out he is. He’s on and off sleeping. I keep her distracted with video and photos of the baby. I wonder if it was for her or me. He tells us not to come up tomorrow. He says take the day off. He tells me to take care of grandma.

First Sunday in November

It’s six in the morning. I get a call from my mom. “Pops died last night.” I don’t want to believe it. I wanted to believe he was going to be home by Christmas. I wanted to believe he was going to get to hold the baby. My mom’s voice is shaky. She says she’s going over to Nana’s immediately. I call my sister to tell her the news. Her voice drops at the news. There is a silence. I tell her I have to tell dad and our brother. My brother says nothing, my dad takes me over to Nana’s immediately. I stop and get her coffee. I hug her when entering the apartment. I can’t tell if she had been crying. This is not a family that openly expresses emotions, we demonstrate love through our actions. I hug her and say I’m sorry. She hands me a tissue.

Her apartment is cluttered with her sons, grandkids and the baby. I’m responsible for writing the obituary. I knew this would fall on me. I hated that.

How many words does it take to describe a life? This was a man who gave up playing professional baseball for his wife. This man was a war vet. This man was the most generous man I knew. How does one describe an entire life? Feels almost impossible, even five months later. 

December

My work schedule was messed up and I decided to help my sister with her baby. This is the most precious baby in the world to me. She is alter and curious, I suppose most babies are, it’s jarring to see in action.

I take her to the movies one night, because that afternoon. We were both crying in her car, while she changed her daughter’s dirty diaper, going she misses him. Christmas felt odd without him, my Nana seemed okay, we all speculated because there was a lot of family around. I know I seem okay to everyone but shields themselves for the sake of others. Like when I was doing laundry for my Nana and had to deep a breathe and compose myself in the bathroom. Why? Bedsheets, that’s right bedsheets my Pops made fun of on several occasion. “Cyn, I couldn’t get any sleep, these birds chirped the whole night,” then he would laugh.

March 2024

Feels like a very different world, I’ve been incorporating a lot of these feelings and emotions into my current writing. I have always used writing as a way to coop. It how I feel in control sometimes.